Nearly 17 years ago, when Rich and I were dating and engaged, we decided it would be fun to have nine children. It was just a silly number we came up with. I never thought it really mattered, until now. For some reason, I can't give up the idea that someone is missing. So we have been hoping to have another baby for one year now. Can I tell you what an eye opening year this has been?! I don't know how women do this, the emotional ups and downs, the thinking "this is the month" only to be so disappointed when it's not the month, the thoughtless responses by a well-meaning husband who isn't quite as...well, quite as impatient. I have a whole new respect for women who have experienced infertility. I will say it again--how do you do it?So for some reason I thought this month was the month. I don't why I let myself get all excited. I kept saying it didn't matter, and then the fateful day came when I knew I wasn't pregnant, and I was depressed. It doesn't really make any sense, to be honest. I have a great family and certainly plenty of work to do! But I have still felt disappointed. So laying in bed last night, I started to think of all the reasons why it is so great that I am not pregnant. Here are some of them:
--I get to eat barbecue sauce, which I cannot eat, or even see, or even speak of, or even have others speak of, when I am pregnant. I like barbecue sauce. Hooray for barbeque sauce! I think I am in the mood for chicken with barbecue sauce!!
--The little black hairs, which grow so abundantly all over my husband's chest, back, arms and legs--but curiously not on the top of his head--do not currently make me sick. In fact, I can clean the shower without even noticing those little black hairs. I can change the bed sheets without wanting to throw up from seeing those little black hairs. I can even admire them on my dear husband without feeling even one little bit sick. Hooray for the ability to ignore little black hairs!
--I care about whether or not the house is clean. Now I am not saying that the house is clean, because I just don't think one woman can fight the apathy of nine other people who don't seem to care if the house is clean. But right now I actually do care about the house and so I make efforts to move it in the direction that I like, which is clean. When I am pregnant, I don't care and the apathy takes total control of the house. Oh, they all pretend to care and make pitiful efforts at doing extra chores in the name of "helping Mom" but they know that I don't really have the energy to care and to be pregnant, and they can let a lot slide. So hooray for caring about a clean house!!
--I can put my head on my bed pillow and not feel like throwing up. There is something about smells that really get me when I am pregnant. The smell of the bathroom, the smell of the laundry, the smell of my husband and the smell of myself (both sad but true), the smell of the bedsheets, the smell of the unmentionable barbecue sauce. All these things make me pretty darn sick when I am pregnant, especially in the beginning. So hooray for a comfy bed pillow and the ability to lay my head down on it (especially since that pillow sometimes also has little black hairs on it!)
--Well, I could go on and on, but here's just one last thing. (And I'll bet this is one that Rich will shout hooray for, too.) I like being able to eat the food that we actually have in the house. When I am pregnant, the only food that sounds good to me is food that is not in our house and has not been mentioned recently in our house. Oh, how good it is to be able to eat peanut butter and jelly or tuna, for instance, for lunch today and tomorrow and then again the next day. Isn't that great?! When I am pregnant, I might be able to stand it today, and I might let you eat it tomorrow with me in the room, but the next day, and for the next six months, it will be completely out as a food option. It's so good to just be able to eat and feel full and go on with the day. (And I will bet you anything that Rich is saying how good it is that he is not the one out hunting for the food that sounds good to me that is not in our house!) So hooray for eating normal, easy-to-access, available food!
See all the reasons why I am glad that I am not pregnant? And I think these reasons will sustain me all month long, and I will be absolutely sure that I am so happy not to be pregnant and not to be dealing with all this, right up until that fateful day next month when I find out again that I am not pregnant. And then I will probably be depressed and have to start a new list! ; )
4 comments:
Nice job finding all those silver threads in your cloud of frustration. Interesting how both being pregnant and NOT being pregnant are emotional roller coasters. One of the most difficult things with infertility is the feeling of lack of control. You want to be able to go forward with this exciting decision of having another baby, yet it seems the steering wheel has been disconnected from the rest of the car. Or the engine, or the gas pedal. Oh, the brakes seem to check out fine, of course. But you've got that destination planned and the car just won't move! Very frustrating! I'll be thinking of you.
I could have written this post....well, not every single thing, but pdc (pretty darn close). This is one of the gifts of having experiences across the spectrum, don't you agree? How nice to be a mother of a large family and still have the chance to be able to empathize with those who have fertility issues.
I would love to visit with you! I haven't forgotten your dates for children question... Call me when you have a window of a few minutes. (I'll pray that our windows are open at the same time!)
If you are going to do it, hurry, so we can delay our next mission departure. Oh, I forgot...you are not in charge. Heavenly Father is not often transparent in his schedule for us. We'll all just wait and see and try to cooperate with His plans.
I like that analogy, Natalie. No steering wheel, no engine, no gas pedal! Liz, I will be at Women's Conference, so if worse comes to worse, let's get together then. I do think it is amazing how much our situations can be different and yet we learn the same things. Maybe that is because the Holy Ghost is the teacher to all? Jeri, I would happily delay your mission for another baby. I am not sure we could do it without you! ; )
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