Redfern twins and the bother of parenting

Today, my oldest niece gave birth to twin baby boys. The text came in around 6 am telling us that Albus and Jimmer were here. My husband's reaction: "Jimmer? Really?"

The next text came several minutes later. "Just kidding. We couldn't resist." They really named the boys Christian and Connor. 6 lb. 4 oz and 5 lb 14 oz, respectively, mother and babies all doing well.

This took me back nearly 17 1/2 years when my own baby twins were born. They weighed almost the same, 6 lb 4 oz and 5 lb 11 1/2 oz. I just can't help thinking about all we have been through and gained over the past 17 plus years.

Yesterday, Rich ate lunch with an older man who never had children. He told Rich as they were discussing his plans for retirement, "We don't have kids, so we don't have to bother with all that."

Bother. Maybe that is a good word to describe some of the headaches of parenting. It is a bother, when you look back on it, to give up sleep and hot meals and all capacity to think through a complete thought, when children are little. It's a bother not to be able to do things when you want to do them. It's a bother to have to change your schedule based on other people. It's a bother to try to figure out how to pay for college and missions, and basketball camp, and to wonder how on earth you are going to help this busy teenager find time to complete his Eagle project. And to stay up til midnight (or later) helping with big school projects. It is definitely a bother when they are sad or disappointed, and when they are sick. Yes, there is a lot of bother in being a parent.

The problem is, if you give up all the 'bother', you give up all the wonder and amazement and fun too. Like just this week. Rich had to leave for work before 5 am, and I was up with a sick child during the night. So when 6 am rolled around, Katie and Jacob were on their own. They got themselves up, got themselves breakfast, made lunches, and got themselves to seminary and then to school. I was amazed by these fabulous teenagers we have. Wow.

What would life be without laughing with them this morning before seminary about the crazy Jimmer and Albus text? Or without hearing about how it went when Jacob asked Ashley to homecoming? Or figuring out Katie's busy practice schedule for the musical at the high school, looking forward to watching her perform next month?

Life is so much more fun and sweet and full because, 17 years ago, two babies entered our lives. There have absolutely been times full of 'bother'. But there have also been times full of hugs and kisses and learning and teaching and happiness. And in the end, we have these great people to love and to be a part of our lives.

Besides, I think all the bother is a part of the plan. How can we ever become selfless like the Savior if we don't have something that makes us forget ourselves?

Here's a quote by Erika Jong from the Mary Engelbrite book Motherhood that I love:

You give up yourself, and finally you don't even mind. I wouldn't have missed this for anything. It humbled my ego and stretched my soul. It gave me whatever crumbs of wisdom I possess today.

Brandon and Whitney, you are starting on a wonderful road. You will love it. (And there will be times when you will wonder what on earth you've gotten yourselves into!) The babies will grow, and so will you. What a happy day! Enjoy!!

Building

"Nothing worth having is easy."

Katie is taking a life skills class from a fabulous teacher who tries to inspire her class with simple, meaningful, daily quotes. Katie writes some of them on the white board in our kitchen. This was today's quote.

Boy, is it true.

I was thinking about how this applies to family life this morning, as I dug through the post-Sunday mess and tried to pull the house back together. I feel guilty for thinking this stage of life is hard because people will tell you all the time how the best years are when your children are young. They reminisce about how much they miss the little handprints on the wall and the pitter-patter of little feet. I always want to ask if they miss the footprints on the walls where the boys continually climb up to hang from the ledges that the architect put there just to torture mothers? Or do they miss the feeling that a herd of elephants has escaped and is running through the house, as kids chase one another up and down the hallways? What about the crushed top ramen noodles all over the kitchen floor where somebody was eating at the computer, again, even though it's against the rules? Because I am just not sure I am going to miss any of those things later.

This morning during some rare time alone, I was pondering how messy and busy and crazy life feels right now. Into my mind came this image:

Imagine that you are building a house. You begin with the foundation. At that point, you've created a big mess; it's just a big slab of cement that sure doesn't look like much.

Next, you begin to add the frame. There are nails and sawdust and tools everywhere. The progress is slow, and things begin to take a bit of shape, but the house is really still a picture in your mind. It takes imagination to see how this frame will become the comfortable home of the future.

Eventually, you begin to add the walls and roof. Then the details start to come into place, as you add the specific items needed for each room in the house. It's a long, slow process, but over time, with patience and work, the house will finally be finished.

I realized that we are in the middle of building a family, which is not unlike building a house. We laid the foundation when we had the children. Over the years, we have put up the frame. But now are the years of adding the details to finish each individual. It is slow, specific, time-consuming work. Each person in the family, like each room in the house, needs something different and needs individual attention during this stage. A lot of our time goes to supporting children in sports, school, and activities, and in celebrating their individual achievements and accomplishments. Oh, and in feeding people and then cleaning up from feeding people. It's messy work. Yet there are glimpses of the people they will become.

One additional thought I had. No one would ever tell you as you are building a house that the greatest joy comes during the building time. Sure, it's exciting to see the work progress, and it feels good to be working hard on something that is important. But it's a lot of work. There are years of joy to be had when the majority of the work is behind you, and you get to live in the completed house!

This image sure helped me to feel more patient with our current stage of life. It's messy and it's slow, but we are accomplishing a great work in the lives of each one of our children.

And isn't that what life is really all about?

In good company

I am not a good summer blogger. In fact, I am not good for much in the summer, except wandering around my house between sprinting from one summer activity to the next, wondering when I am ever going to have time for all those projects I put off until summer break.

However, I did have a moment this week to kneel down in exhausted prayer. I was feeling tired and a bit discouraged. It seems like someone in our family always has something that I am worrying about. Like I naively expected to get projects done over the summer, I think I also--naively--expected to have a break from the worrying. Worrying that someone didn't get invited to the party. Worrying that someone else needs more to keep him busy. Worrying that we are not meeting the needs of this child. Worrying that the athlete won't do well. Or the student won't do well. Worrying about the injured hand, foot, finger, shoulder. Worrying about inexperienced teenage drivers coming home from midnight movies, or a tired husband driving in the canyon.

So I knelt down one day this week, and I expressed the thought that I don't really like it that all these people give me so many things to worry about all the time.

Do you know what the answer was? It sure stopped me in my complaining tracks.

The answer was something like, "So you don't want to be like me? Because my children give me a lot of things to worry about."

Ah. So I when signed up to care about Heavenly Father's children, I signed up for worrying. Okay.

It made me feel a lot better. I guess this is what I signed up for, and I am surely in good company.

Long suffering--even during summer vacation

For the past week and a half since school got out, I have found myself getting more and more snippety every day.

I think it’s having so many bodies home again all the time. It’s that many more children leaving messes and dragging their feet about breakfast chores. It’s that many more people making food, again, and leaving their 3rd cup on the counter, half-way full of milk.

I think it’s also that we aren’t keeping our regular routine, which means there is a lot more playing going on. That means a lot more toys not put away. And a lot more books, and blankets, and shoes, left right where the person had been lying for hours reading. And a lot more distractions when the time comes to stop playing and get a few things done.

I find myself wandering through the house wondering why I am the one working so much, with all these kids around me vacationing.

Actually, there are lots of fun things about summer, too--things like movies and play dates and blogging at 8 am on a Tuesday.

But the irritating things are making me tense. So I have been a little snippety.

Then I read this scripture. 1 Nephi 19:9 And the world shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it, and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and long-suffering towards the children of men.

The words that really jumped out at me were long-suffering. What does it mean to be long suffering like the Savior?

Well, using the example given in the scripture, it at least means to show submissiveness and patience, even with those who hate us and want to kill us and do terrible things to us. It means putting up with hard things because of love. It also means seeing a greater purpose in the suffering, and thus being willing to suffer long. In the Savior's case, He was suffering these things because He knew He needed to give up His life in order for all of Heavenly Father's children to receive eternal life and to be given the opportunity to live with Him again.

Hmmm....

Maybe long-suffering for me could mean showing the children a little more patience and loving kindness right now, especially since my children actually love me and don't mean to be doing irritating things .

Maybe it means using a nice voice--not a voice laced with irritation and impatience--to ask them do the things I need them to do.

Maybe it means overlooking some of the things they aren't doing just right, giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's vacation and that everyone is tired from a long school year.

Maybe it means trying to overlook the negative and instead focus on the positive things they are doing. They are playing nicely together. Other than that first day, there has been very little fighting, especially when you consider the very depressing and unusually rainy and overcast weather. Several children have school work that has to be done over the summer, or ACT prep, and they are doing it mostly without complaint. When they do forget to do something, and I ask them to come clean up or finish their chore, or whatever, they most often do it cheerfully.

Yes, there are plenty of good things I am not noticing that could be pointed out.

Speaking of seeing things with greater purpose, the great purpose of summer break is to give children some time off from the intense school year schedule (not to mention the teachers.) It also gives families some much needed time together. So I suppose the good always comes with some challenges. In this case, it's more bodies. And more mess. And more thoughtlessness in the face of wanting to get on with the business of having fun. Since it's all for such a good reason, I guess I can try to be a little more patient with it.

So my goal for the rest of the summer is to be more long-suffering, and to show more loving kindness. I'm also going to try to look at the positive and keep the negative to myself as much as possible. I'm going to try to overlook the more obvious mess and enjoy being together as a famlily. And I'm going to keep "I'm sorry for snapping at you" right on the tip of my tongue. Because, let's face it, they all have to learn some long-suffering and loving kindness, too.

Another Lesson about Mercy

Last week, I was studying the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. I noticed while studying it that both the prodigal son and the older, righteous brother feel that the sins of the younger son are so great that he doesn't deserve any mercy.

I recognized from this parable my inclination to think that we need to 'deserve' mercy and earn it, rather than be given it as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.

At the same time as I was studying this parable for my Sunday School lesson, I was also trying to hold a firm stance with our older kids about finding a summer job. They had been super busy and had not had much time to look. I was worried they would get into summer mode and spend their time relaxing and being with friends and never get a job at all. So Rich and I told them that they would lose their driving privilege, except to look for a job, once the school year was over.

One evening last week, I suddenly realized that Katie would finally be able to drive friends one day before school gets out (which is when the mandatory one-year waiting period required in California would be up.) I also realized that she would immediately lose that privilege because she had not yet found a job. We talked about it, and I explained my position: she needed the consequence of not being able to drive in order to motivate her to look for a job. It would be painful, I explained, but it would be worth it.

It all made perfect sense to me, and I went to bed feeling like a good parent for holding firm despite internal pressure to give in.

That night I had a very vivid dream. I was going to the temple, but I had forgotten to bring my temple clothes. So the nice temple workers were trying to help me gather what I would need to participate in the temple session in time. I had arrived a bit late, and so we were rushing. They gathered me shoes from over here, stockings from there, a dress from some place else. When we finally got everything I needed, I noticed that Katie was with me. We both began to rush down a long hallway, trying to reach the temple session in time.

Just as we were getting closer to the room for the session, the doors closed. We missed it! I couldn't believe it!

Then, a voice came in my mind. "Well, these are the consequences of your actions. You didn't bring temple clothes and you didn't get here on time, so you miss the session."

I then woke up from the dream. This dream felt pretty real to me because I am usually late and rushing every where I go, especially the temple. I always pray like crazy, and it always works out.

Several times, I have come to the temple without a recommend or have been unusually late getting there. Yet every time, Heavenly Father finds a way to show me mercy. The time I left my wallet at home, it just so happened that our Stake President was right in front of us and vouched for me.

It was very clear to me that this dream was to remind me how much heaven gives me mercy in my life, as well as to jog my memory about trying to show more mercy to my children as well.

I knelt down to pray and was reminded how hard Katie has been working in track. Also, how she was offered a job but had to turn it down because it would have forced her to give up running track. Also how obedient and good she had been about obeying the law not to drive friends, even though everyone else around her breaks that law. Also how she had not even complained about the threat to lose her driving period, even thought she had been counting down the days to be able to drive friends.

I felt so dense for not realizing all this before. I also felt pretty unappreciative for what a good daughter we have, and I felt like we had been inappropriately harsh. And I felt very sheepish.

Let's just say that Rich and I decided to modify our position a bit. I mean, looking for a job is probably more under their control than finding a job anyway, right? And I went right downstairs to tell Katie how much I appreciate her obedience to the law and her hard work and to tell her how much I love her.

Why is showing mercy in parenting so hard?

Maybe it's because I don't want our children to make the same mistakes I did. Maybe I see things from a perspective of looking back, and I want them to do it 'just right' to save them the pain of learning the hard way. Maybe I forget what it's like to be a kid, or maybe I expect more from them than even from myself. Maybe I'm not very patient.

Maybe I'm learning.

I think it is of note that the person showing mercy in the parable of the prodigal son is the Father. The Savior didn't hide that comparison or make it hard to figure out, did he? He made it plain as day. The Father always shows us mercy. He always offers up forgiveness with open arms. Are there consequences? Sure, but they are always buffered as much as possible, especially as we try to do our best.

Here is my favorite quote from Sunday's lesson:

Referring to the parable of the prodigal son, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "I ask you to read that story. Every parent ought to read it again and again. It is large enough to encompass every household, and enough larger than that to encompass all mankind, for are we not all prodigal sons and daughters who need to repent and partake of the forgiving mercy of our Heavenly Father and then follow His example?"

Ah, to learn to follow His example...thank goodness for a persistent Holy Ghost.

Following the Master

Please remember this one thing. If our lives...are centered upon Jesus Christ...nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.

--President Howard W. Hunter

Mistakes

I had new thought this week on a scripture that I have read many times.

2 Nephi 25:26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

I think it's interesting that Nephi doesn't say that they preach of Christ so that their children will turn out perfectly, or have perfect testimonies.

Instead, he says that they, the prophets, write to make sure their children know where to look when they need to be forgiven of their sins.

It makes me think of Alma the Younger. When he was 'harrowed up' by the memory of his sins, he suddenly remembered that his father had taught about 'one Jesus Christ.' His mind focused on this, and he turned to Jesus Christ and prayed to be forgiven.

This shows me that, once again, making mistakes, big ones and little ones, is a part of the plan. So when people that we love make mistakes, I guess it shouldn't surprise us. All individuals are given their free agency and the ability to learn for themselves right from wrong. This leads to mistakes, which are naturally part of the learning process.

Our job is t0 keep rejoicing in and preaching Christ to help those we love (and ourselves!) remember that we can turn to Him.

And sometimes the way we rejoice in and preach Christ is very quiet--by loving unconditionally.