Pennies in your pocket

I read a great idea yesterday in a magazine. The author was discussing the need to be more positive to children than negative, especially when noticing their character strenghts. He recognized that it is much easier to scold children for what they are not doing than to commend them for what they are doing. That is the truth at our house!

So he suggested putting 10 pennies in one pocket. Then you move a penny to the other pocket every time you give a child a sincere compliment. The goal would be to move all ten pennies to the other pocket by the end of the day.

Isn't that a great idea?

Of course, since we have 8 children, I would have 80 pennies in my pocket!

I love this ideas because it is such a tangible way to remember to praise. I also love it because I want to develop the habit of catching my children being good, but I forget from day to day.

So my plan is to put a pile of pennies in my pocket and see how many sincere compliments I can give each day.

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

Yesterday in Sunday School, the teacher referred to Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." He asked us how we know what our treasure is. Answers came back that our treasure is determined by what we use our time, money and thoughts on. He asked us to consider this in our lives to see if we need a course correction.

I have been thinking about it since the lesson. There are so many endless ways to help, and so many endless distractions and demands on a woman's time. It can be hard, for me at least, to keep it all straight.

Tonight I read a blog post that reminded me about my greatest treasure and greatest responsibility right now. It is from my wise friend, Britt, again. She said:

"a CS Lewis book kept coming into my mind…Screwtape Letters. At one point wormwood is reminding screwtape that if a person must feel charitable and have a desire to help, try to focus it on people as far away as possible. Let them feel all sorts of love and compassion for those on the other side of the world, but for those closest to them encourage little annoyances. Especially in this internet world I feel prone to look at those who have real needs far away. It is possible that God wants me to do something for them. Yet it is equally important to cloth the naked and feed the hungry in my own home. One service may get more attention, but both care for God’s children. If we really feel that we’ll go where God wants me to go, that may include time sitting on the bathtub with a child, or into our very own laundry room."

For me, right now, my treasure, where the Lord wants me to spend the majority of my time, thoughts and energy, is at home.

Perfecting ourselves vs. becoming perfect in Christ

Today I was tired from working so hard last week on a Sunday School lesson. I estimated that I spent 12 hours preparing for a lesson on Matthew 5. You see, I teach Gospel Doctrine, and the Temple President, the Stake President, and the previous Stake President, plus any number of ex-Bishops, can be found in our ward on any given week.

That makes me a little nervous.

So I spent hours looking up cross-references in the scriptures and studying commentary from various sources. I spent about two hours each day, Monday through Saturday. That is all my spare time, the time I usually exercise and read and blog, the time I have to do things that make life fun and more than just a lot of work.

The lesson went well, and I think we all felt the Spirit and learned more about being a follower of Jesus Christ. But today I felt pretty worn out from the effort.

Then, this morning as I sat there feeling reluctant to dive into Matthew 6 for next week's lesson (which the team teacher will be handling, thankfully), I glanced at Matthew 5:48. "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect."

What does it mean to be perfect?

I did my best to prepare perfectly for my lesson yesterday. As a mother, I try to do everything just right so that my efforts will prepare our children to be adults and to be independent. I try to be perfect as I serve and work and take care of all these bodies and juggle all the demands of life.

But am I trying to perfect myself or am I allowing myself to become perfect in Christ?

It's a fine line that divides the need for individual effort versus the need for faith. However, I read a verse this morning that helped me see things differently.

D&C 121:35 ...their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world and aspire to the honors of men...

Am I aspiring to the honors of men? Am I trying to become perfect on my own so that others will give me recognition? Did I work so hard on that Sunday school lesson because the Temple President might be there? Would I have worked as hard for a class of 15 year olds?

The answer is one of those gray areas of life--my motivations aren't completely focused on bringing honor to the Father, but they aren't completely focused on bringing honor to myself either. To have intentions that are free from selfish motive and concern probably takes more than this lifetime.

But the important question I asked myself is who am I relying on?

When I am trying to perfect myself and relying more on my own efforts, then I quickly get impatient with my children for getting in the way of the things I want to get done. When I am depending more on Christ, then I am full of love for my children and I am patient and understanding and slower to react with anger when they don't fall in line with my plans for the day. I know He will somehow help me, and so I can trust that, although things might go more slowly, the important things will still get done.

When I am trying to perfect myself, I am impatient and hard on myself for my weaknesses and imperfections. I am also impatient and hard on those around me. When I am depending on Christ, then I am patient and kind and gentle with others when they make mistakes. I am also more kind and patient with myself. I recognize that change takes time and that we are all doing our best and that the Atonement is real. I see the big picture and am not in such a hurry for everyone to be just the way I want them to be, even myself.

When I am trying to perfect myself, I am focused on worldly things that will bring me the attention of others. When I am depending on Christ, I am focused on spiritual things that will bring me closer to Him and to my Father in Heaven. I feel the Spirit and want to feel it more and care less about things that don't matter eternally.

So how do I stay more focused and dependent on Christ? It all seems to come back to having the Holy Ghost as a companion each day by doing those simple things that the Prophet asks us to do--pray, study, ponder, attend the temple. It also comes from turning my burdens to the Lord in prayer and asking for His help and then trusting that He will give it.

One thing I also realized through this contemplation is that Heavenly Father knows I can't put 12 hours into preparing a Sunday School lesson every week. He doesn't expect me to give up all my spare time and the things I enjoy doing, even for something as worthwhile as service and scripture study. He doesn't expect me to try to perfect myself and rely on my own efforts in order to have successful, uplifting lessons.

He knows who comes to that class. He also knows how much I have to do each day. He just expects me to do the best that I can each week, ask for His help, and then rely on the perfecting power and mercy of the Savior and His Atonement. Then the Sunday School lessons will take care of themselves, and I will still get to exercise and read and blog a little. And maybe I won't be quite so worn out on Monday morning.

What is life all about anyway?

My friend Britt Kelly posted this very poignant thought in her comments on her new fly lady blog:

Life is IN the interruptions.

Love it.

How do I Serve?

In Relief Society today, we had a lesson on Service (probably like most people around the world.) The teacher put four categories of different kinds of service on the board, and then we made lists of ways that we can serve under each category. The categories were economical, social, physical and spiritual. It created a very inspiring discussion to think of so many different ways to serve.

Ever since the lesson, I have been pondering how the service of motherhood, probably the greatest service most women give, was not very represented on the list we made.

Maybe we don't see all the work we do for our families as 'service' because it is so menial and so every-day. It doesn't get us much attention from others, and most of it has to be done all over again the next day.

It's like not being able to see the forest through the trees.

Motherhood begins as women are willing to literally 'lose themselves' to provide physical bodies for Heavenly Father's spirit children. What greater physical service could someone give? Then, whether you give birth to the children or adopt them, the work of taking care of them is some of the most demanding physical work around. In fact, there aren't many other professions that require someone to do all his regular work during the day after being on the night shift, and being woken up regularly, all night.

Sister Julie B. Beck said at Women's Conference last year, "...I learned something from my father-in-law years ago. He was steel worker and spent his time working three different shifts. He either worked the day shift, the night shift, or the swing shift. As a young mother I realized that I was working all three shifts, and that's why I was so tired."

And while all acts of service are worthwhile and appreciated by our Father in Heaven, I believe that the most effective and long-lasting service we can give is the service we give to our families.

We serve as we do the physical work, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and carpooling. We also get the fun physical service, like giving lots and lots of hugs and kisses, and playing together.

We serve as we persevere through Family Home Evening and scripture study and Sunday church and trying to go to an event as a family, only to spend most of it watching toddlers in the hall.

We serve as we come up with creative ways to make breakfasts and lunches for everyone, and then get up early to make sure they eat and get out the door with lunch in hand on time.

We serve as we give over our bodies to little growing babies for 9 months, and then to big growing babies for possibly another year or more. We give up our sleep and we give up our fashion style and we give up our cute little compact car.

When they grow up and have some more freedom, we give up our sleep again, this time driving them to and from Stake dances and never really falling asleep until they are safely home once they can drive themselves.

If I had to sit in that lesson again, I would try to make my comments focus more on motherhood, just to give all those great mothers some more appreciation for all of the service they do every day without even thinking about it.

It's nice growing older

Happy Valentine's Day

Today we are having an afternoon holiday, which means that I can post the significant thought that I just had on the blog.

Here is the significant thought: It's nice to get older. It seems, to me, that life gets easier as I get older.

Here is why I had that thought: Last night, Rich and I stayed up late putting together little valentine boxes for each of the children. I had purchased all sorts of little treats at the dollar store the week before. Rich helped me assemble them and then read his book while I cut out hearts and put a short note in each one. Then, when Rich went to brush his teeth, I put out a card and a treat for him.

I had to do this last night because Rich gets up with the high schoolers and gets them breakfast and out the door to seminary (and on Monday, signed up for basketball reffing), and I sleep in.

Just now, Rich called from work. He thanked me for the note in the card. He apologized for not leaving a note for me. I told him that I didn't care. I know he loves me. I told him that my "note" was that he got up with the older children and handled the basketball sign-ups and breakfast and the laundry crisis that happened this morning and let me sleep in. I told him that I know he loves me because he does things.

And I really meant it.

Something about this exchange took my mind back 16 years to our second Valentine's Day together. I remembered, with a cringe, how mad I got because Rich completely forgot Valentine's Day. He finally remembered about three days later and brought me flowers, but I held this against him for something like five or six years. I said I forgave him but, oh, I sure didn't forget about it.

And yet, somehow, with the passing of time and the closeness that comes with weathering the storms of life together, I don't feel like he has to do something special on Valentine's Day to show his love for me anymore. Maybe it's about understanding his heart. Maybe it's about forgetting myself. Maybe it's about getting more mellow with age (even though it seems I am less mellow in a lot of other areas...) Maybe it's called maturity.

Anyway, it's nice, whatever it is.

It's nice to grow older with someone and know them so well that you know what is in their heart. It's nice to give them the benefit of the doubt and not waste a bunch of time pouting or angry. It's nice to just feel happy on Valentine's Day because I was able to do something for my family to show them I love them.

Well, and I could write an entire post about how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. (But I already told him that in my note.)

Yep, it's nice growing older.

It's a new holiday

Have you heard about the new holiday? It's March 9--Get Over It Day. The best thing is, you celebrate it year-round.

I love this concept. "Get over it!"

For some reason, probably that I am now in my 40s and experiencing those nasty peri-menopausal hormones, I have gotten obsessive about things that I used to take in stride. Like when I recently signed Katie and Jacob up for the ACT before waiting to get their track season schedule. Once I received the schedule, I realized I signed them up for the same day as their biggest home track meet of the season. I should have waited.

I talked to Katie about it. I talked to Rich about it. I talked to Jacob about it. They each said, "Oh well."

I looked it up to see if we could change it. We can--for $20 each--$40 I am not willing to pay just to change the date of a test that I should have waited to sign up for until I got the track schedule.

It still bugs me.

It's at this point--the point where I cannot change the thing that is driving me crazy, the thing that I wish I could go back and do over, the thing that makes me cringe when I think of it--that I need to say to myself "Get over it!"

I did everything I can do. I made a mistake. The consequences aren't that bad. They are only Juniors. They will have another big home track meet next year. They need to take the ACT. They don't seem to really care that much. So get over it!

Issues like this seem to come up more and more these days (hormones). So I am trying to learn to say "Get over it!" sooner.

Like Friday night. I had signed up to bring 2 dozen homemade cinnamon rolls to the Young Women fundraiser. I had also signed up to bring a potato salad. We also had a lot of home schooling to do to finish the week. Daniel also had a basketball game.

So I was a little frazzled when I put the cinnamon rolls in the oven. I put two small pans on the top rack, and they cooked too quickly. They were done on top but not it the middle. I didn't realize it until I frosted them. Then I put them back in the oven, but I couldn't be sure they cooked all the way.

I still had the pan from the bottom rack. Those cooked perfectly, as usual. But that meant I could only bring 1 dozen cinnamon rolls. Can I tell you how much this was bugging me? I wanted to bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls. I had signed up to bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls. I always bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls.

But I only had 1 dozen.

So I told myself, "Get over it!" They will survive with only 1 dozen. No one will notice. It will be fine. It will all work out.

I was still a little tense, but I am new at this.

And so I took only 1 dozen cinnamon rolls, and guess what? It was just fine.

There are lots of things in life about which a mother cannot say "Get over it!" The important things, like keeping the commandments and giving basic care to the family and accomplishing big things that matter to other people. But most things that don't go just right really won't matter in the long run. In fact, most things that go awry will either be a vague memory or a funny story later on.

Oh, why can't I remember that at the time?

So tonight I vow to say to myself "Get over it!" as quickly as possible when the details of something are really getting under my skin.

In fact, here are a few things that have been bugging me lately. I am going to tell myself "Get over it!" right now about these things.

So I am not the weight I want to be and very much not the weight I was when we got married. For 17 years, I have been bearing and raising children. I have the family that I always hoped for. But because I have that family, there hasn't been a lot of free time to exercise. And when there has been free time, there has also been illness and low iron and surgery. I eat healthy food and exercise. My current weight does not interfere with our life or with doing the things that I love. The day will come when I will be able to focus more on myself. So get over it!

So what if my husband does not pick up a room unless specifically asked? He does pick it up when I ask him. And he does a lot of other things that I don't ask, like balance the budget and pay the bills and unclog the toilet. And he never complains about how the house looks. He is 40 years old. He has lived half of his life. If he doesn't notice a messy room now, he probably never will, unless I point it out to him. So get over it!

And speaking of the house, it is more messy than I would like during the week. But we have a large family, and more than half of it is home all day long. We home school, which means I spend much of my time during the day teaching my children, which otherwise would be spent keeping things up. And the toddler spends much of her time undoing anything that I do manage to get done when my back is turned! I like home schooling. The day will come when there are no more children to teach, and no more toddlers, and it will be a lot easier to keep up with the housework. Plus, it will never matter how tidy our house was during the years that we raised our family. So get over it!

I could go on, really I could, but you get my point!

So celebrate with me and say "Get over it!" about something that has been bugging you today!