Hard

From June of 1990 until December of 1991, I served an LDS mission in southern France (similar geographical location to where Jacob will be).  That was 23 years ago. I remember a lot of things I loved about France. I could go on and on.  But my biggest memory of  missionary work in France is that it was really, really hard.  I came home from my mission feeling a little disenchanted about the whole thing. All these years later, I had a hard time with the idea of Katie serving a mission because I was worried about it being so hard for her too. I really only encouraged Katie to consider serving a mission because I had a strong, unsolicited impression from the Holy Ghost that the Lord needs her.

In preparation for Katie's mission, she and I have recently been reading blogs of letters from missionaries serving in the France Paris mission.  We came across Soeur Kayleigh Johns, who entered the MTC in February of this year and then began serving in the Paris mission in April.  Her blog, Kales Takes Paris, is full of her cute personality. (She could be Katie's companion!  She could be Katie's trainer!) Despite her strong testimony, her arrival in the mission field was challenging. In this blog post and this blog post, she revived my fuzzy 'missions are sure hard' memories with details and deep emotions.   She is a hoot to read most of the time and has a deep testimony of the Gospel, but she summed up so clearly why trying to share the Gospel with others can be so heart-wrenching and needs to be prepared for. It has been a walk down memory lane for sure.

In hindsight, I am so grateful I served a mission for so many reasons.  For one thing, it prepared me for so many of the life challenges I have faced.  Life can be hard, and it's good to learn how to deal with that reality early on in healthy ways.

BUT...why do things, good and right and inspired things, have to be so hard?

To be honest, I don't know.  But having a family can sure be hard sometimes.  Serving in the church (or supporting your husband as he serves in the church) can sure be hard sometimes. Sending off a missionary is pretty hard, too.  And that's not even talking about the real trials and challenges and problems that come along in life, like illness, job loss, financial struggles, and emotional problems.

One of the things that helps me when life feels hard is reading just the right quote by a leader of the Church.  I love that feeling when a quote speaks to my exact concern or problem.  Here are three of the quotes that have helped me when things have felt hard:

From The Crisis by Thomas Paine, written in 1776 before the start of the Revolutionary War:

These are the times that try men's souls.  The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.   Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value.  Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated. 

I believe you can replace FREEDOM with any good and righteous thing you are seeking after.  Family life, missionary work, an education, etc.  This quote gives me courage to press on.

From Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, p. 597 from a General Authority Training Meeting on October 1, 1996:

I hope you are enjoying your work and service.  I know that it is demanding.  I know that it is strenuous.  But what a tremendous opportunity we all have. What better thing could we be doing?  How could we better spend our time?  We are dealing with the very fiber of eternity.  We are dealing with the salvation and exaltation of our Father’s children.

I love the sentence We are dealing with the very fiber of eternity.  Any work we do to help in the work of the Father literally affects eternity.  That really puts things in perspective, even really hard things. Truly, what better way to spend our time??

Finally, one of my favorite quotes about hard by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland from a talk given at the Provo MTC on 20 June, 2000:   

Anyone who does any kind of missionary work will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn’t it go better? Why can’t our success be more rapid? Why aren’t there more people joining the Church? It is the truth. We believe in angels. We trust in miracles. Why don’t people just flock to the font? Why isn’t the only risk in missionary work that of pneumonia from being soaking wet all day and all night in the baptismal font?

You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience.Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that missionaries and mission leaders have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced. That would be presumptuous and sacrilegious. But I believe that missionaries and investigators, to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, will have to pay a token of that same price.For that reason I don’t believe missionary work has ever been easy, nor that conversion is, nor that retention is, nor that continued faithfulness is. I believe it is supposed to require some effort, something from the depths of our soul.

If He could come forward in the night, kneel down, fall on His face, bleed from every pore, and cry, “Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,” then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us. If you wonder if there isn't an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.  Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn't an easier way.

Those thoughts have carried me many, many times.  When I want to cry to heaven, "Does this have to be so hard?", I just remember that the Savior, who also asked a version of that question, knows what I am going through.  He will bear my burdens.  He will send comfort.  He is there.

Why is life hard, even when we are doing good things? That is a good question for another blog post. However, I know there is purpose in the struggle and that our Father in Heaven is not unaware of us and has given us many things to support us when times are hard.  And I am so grateful.

After the enduring is over

Tonight, I sat looking over the mountains as three of my children and I ate dinner at McDonalds.  It was a lovely evening, with the sun setting, a cool breeze, and beautiful mountains and homes around us. Who knew the McDonalds of Simi Valley could have such a lovely location and be so relaxing on a Tuesday evening?  This nice setting got me to thinking.

It has been a tough few weeks.  Apparently, when you send a missionary off (or when you leave? Jeri, can you confirm?) you receive opposition.  I feel like we faced our fair share of challenges.  Just getting them out the door is tricky because there are long lists of things to get done found in several places: in the call, in the letter from the mission home, and on the MTC website.  Then we were in the middle of replacing our flooring and master bath shower. Things kept going wrong.  Then our kids' car broke down and the repairs came to more than the car is worth. So we found ourselves searching for another car.  Then, just as we were about to leave on our last camping vacation with the whole family, we discovered head lice.  Are you scratching your head?  Just reading those two words together makes me scratch my head.  Or cry.

I have done a fair share of crying the past few weeks.  Can opposition really come in the form of head lice???

Finally, last Wednesday, we got Jacob out the door and on the plane.  (And I shed some more tears off and on for a few days about sending off our son.)  We were left with the reality of cars to repair and sell and a new car to pay for, and a remodel, and camping laundry, and HEAD LICE (which makes it hard to get ahead on camping laundry since you do the same few loads of bedding every day.)  In addition, we had a trip to Southern California to take Daniel and Josh to the Santa Barbara EFY.

Late Saturday night, I laid my head on Rich's shoulder and cried one more time.  How could I be expected to do all this? And when do these amazing rewards come for sending off a missionary?  All I felt was tired and worried about another trip.

Rich suggested we to lay there and think about some of the positive things that could come from having head lice, Connie Ten Boom style.  Well, the house has been really clean.  I have had more time with the little girls, as I checked their hair every day.  We booked hotels for our vacation, which would mean extra fun for the little kids (free breakfast, hotel pool) and maybe some extra sleep for me (I have a very hard time sleeping when ANYTHING is going on, like when we are visiting family.)

As it turns out, our vacation has been such a treat so far.  We had a super easy drive down to Southern CA. We have been able to sleep in, read, rest, play in the pool.  We got to watch a movie together, the kids and I.  The weather was absolutely perfect for the water park today. It just could not have been more fun.  Even tonight at McDonalds, overlooking the sunset and the mountains while eating together was so nice.  Then we received two letters from our missionary son.  People tried to tell me, but you can't imagine how much the letters will mean until they come.  Yes, the rewards come.

The moral of the story?  Hang in there.   The problems come and we have to endure them, but then they go away.  And the time after the enduring is over is so sweet.  It is full of deep appreciation for little things. Hang in there through mishaps, and challenges, and worries.  Hang in there through disappointments, broken cars and even HEAD LICE.  Things will get better. The vacation will come.  The problems will pass.  All will be well.  In fact, all will be even better because of passing through the hard.

As President Gordon B. Hinckley used to say, "Oh, things will work out."  They always do.

The power of love

We traveled to the coast last week for one last family vacation before Jacob leaves on his mission.  As we drove over the mountain pass that is the last stretch before reaching the little town of Fort Bragg, I was reminded about how green and plush it becomes the closer you get to the coast.  On this particular drive, the change is dramatic.  You come up over a mountain pass and descend into a forest of pine trees.  The effects of the ocean moisture are almost immediate, and the side of the road is full of a great variety of plants.  The picture I am posting just shows a bit of how the plants go crazy along the coast.  It seems like just about anything can flourish by the coast (and does!)

More than once, the Spirit has gently taught me that love has this same effect on human life.  Almost anything can flourish (and will!) when living in an environment filled with love.  Sometimes I wonder what I can do to have the greatest effect on my children, and on the lives of those around me.  As I drove along the coast last week, looking at the abundance of plants and amazing flowers, I could almost hear a voice in my head say, "Love your children. Love your husband. Love others. "

This reminds me of my favorite quote from the book Les Miserables. It comes at the end when Jean Valjean is saying goodbye.  He tells Marius and Cosette, " Love each other dearly always.  There is scarcely anything else in the world but that: to love one another."

That goes deep into my heart and I know it is true.  There is scarcely anything else in the world but to love one another.  Nothing else works long term but love.  Nothing else lasts.  Nothing else brings about true change.  Love involves patience, long suffering, gentleness, unselfishness, kindness, lots and lots of time, biting the tongue, giving the benefit of the doubt, mercy, humility, a sense of humor and not taking things too seriously.  It involves seeking the Holy Ghost for guidance as to how to act, rather than relying on self.

I loved driving along the coast remembering this.  I know this is how my Heavenly Father and my Savior treat me.  Oh, if I could just remember it when I am hungry or tired or hormonal or it's been a long day!

Thoughts on Missionary Work

Sorry for the long leave of absence...is anyone still out there?  I decided to try writing again because I love it and miss it.

My thoughts lately have been on missionary work.  Our son and daughter have both received mission calls to serve in France, leaving six weeks apart. (Katie France Paris Mission, Jacob France Lyon Mission) It has been so exciting to see them both make this choice, especially since that is where I served my mission. I have been excited right up until the last day or so when it became the actual month that Jacob leaves.  I started thinking about the sacrifice it will be to send off our son for two years.  And then our daughter.  And then another son.  And then probably a son or daughter every few years for a long time.  That thought makes me so sad, and I have wondered how I will be able to do it.  To be perfectly honest, I started to feel pretty sorry for myself over the whole situation.

So I had two thoughts yesterday that helped me to see things very differently.

First, I remembered that I am the product of missionaries.  I am the product of member missionaries inviting me to church and activities and into the lives of their families.  I am also the product of full-time missionaries and their great teaching and testimonies.  Everything that I have in my life, everything that is dear to me, I have because I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints twenty-six years ago.  That is not an exaggeration.  I met my amazing husband at BYU.  Also, I served an LDS mission, which influenced decision-making for the rest of my life.  My life is so happy, full and wonderful.  I can share the blessings I have by allowing my kids to go find other people waiting to hear about the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  There is certainly a need.

Second, I read this story.  It is from the LDS April 2013 General Conference, told by Elder Stanley G. Ellis in his talk "The Lord's Way".  This principle was a major paradigm shift for me.

For 16 years I served in the presidency of the Houston Texas North Stake. Many moved to our area during those years. We would often receive a phone call announcing someone moving in and asking which was the best ward. Only once in 16 years did I receive a call asking, “Which ward needs a good family? Where can we help?”

In the early years of the Church, President Brigham Young and others would call members to go to a certain place to build up the Church there. The irony is that even now we have faithful Church members everywhere who would go anywhere the prophet asked them to go. Do we really expect President Monson to individually tell more than 14 million of us where our family is needed? The Lord’s way is that we hearken to our leaders’ teachings, understand correct principles, and govern ourselves.

I learned from this that I need to quit thinking of myself and instead think of others and their needs. I need to think of where we are needed rather than what I want or what it most comfortable for our family. President Monson has told us where he needs our help.  He has changed the age that missionaries can serve.  He needs our missionaries.  I can't personally go build up the church in France, or South America, or in the United States.  But I can send my children, who are willing and worthy to go.

So I feel buoyed up. There will be tears shed on June 26 when Jacob leaves, and more shed on August 7 when Katie leaves.  But I know that we are serving the Lord in the way we can right now. That knowledge strengthens my faith and gives me peace.

What is fullers' soap anyway?

Reading the Old Testament with the seminary kids. Here are some verses that gave me great food for thought today:

Malachi 3:2-3 But who may abide the day of his coming? and who shall stand when he appeareth? for he is like a refiner's fire, and like fullers' soap; And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

So I know what the refiner's fire is. Great heat, burning out the impurities, etc, etc. But what is fullers' soap?

Thank you, google search. On the website of the Church of God's Daily Study, fullers and their tools were described in this way:

"A fuller was someone who cleaned and thickened (to make it "full") freshly-woven (usually woolen) cloth. The process involved cleaning, bleaching, wetting and beating the fibers to a consistent and desirable condition. Fuller's earth was a variety of clay that was used to scour and cleanse the cloth. Fuller's soap was an alkali made from plant ashes which was also used to clean and full new cloth. Since fullers required plenty of running water, along with the natural substances described, a fuller's field was a place where all were available for the fullers to conduct their profession."

So a relationship with the Lord will act to 'clean, bleach, wet and beat' our spiritual fibers to a 'consistent and desirable condition.'

The goal is for us to become 'full'--consistent and desirable. Like the purifying process, it probably isn't much fun at the time, but it works to prepare us to 'make an offering in righteousness' when He arrives.

That puts daily trials and the wickedness around us in a whole new light for me, both for myself and for my children.

It is easy to think Satan is winning in the world right now. There is a lot of wickedness keeping Heavenly Father's children from knowing and coming to the Savior. However, if we can help them come to a knowledge of Him--not just activity in the Church, but gain a testimony and an understanding of the Gospel and a real relationship with Jesus Christ--then they will be made 'full' over time, and their testimonies will become pure and thick and deep.

And this happens not just in spite of the wicknedness around them, but often because of it. When we turn away from sin, we choose for ourselves righteousness.

The cleaning and bleaching come to all of us differently. At the very least, it involves learning to turn away from the things of the world and turning to the Lord. Sometimes it is trials we don't ask for, and sometimes it comes as we make mistakes and then repent.

As parents, it seems like we can help this process by putting the things of God first in our own lives and in our families, taking time to read and pray and go to church and have family home evening and repent.

Pretty awesome and motivating stuff to understand, I think!

Learning about teenagers

Probably the most significant thing I have learned about teenagers in the past year is that just because they are the same size as you does not mean that you can expect adult behavior from them.

It's very tempting. They are suddenly looking you in the eye (or over the top of your head), and much of the time they are very responsible, especially when it comes to things that matter a lot to them, like school or work or relationships with friends.

So you go along, thinking to yourself, "Wow, so and so is so responsible and grown up now." If you are like me, you might even mentally pat yourself on the back for being such a great parent who has raised such a mature child.

And then out of the blue their behavior changes. It may be chores. It may be cleaning up after themselves. It may be total lack of all good judgement in some area that seems so incredibly obvious to a (self-righteous) adult.

You are left shaking your head and can't help but say to the teenager with exasperation, "What on earth were you thinking?!"

After this patterns happens a few times, you wonder what you are doing wrong.

All of a sudden one day, I realized (I'm sure with much nudging from the Holy Ghost) that I was expecting too much.

The truth is, I have been physically just about the same size as my Heavenly Parents for a long time. And I have been bearing and raising children for about 20 years. Yet, I know there has not been an expectation that I be spiritually mature or capable of the same level of parenting as my Heavenly Father shows to me. Mostly what I have felt over the years is lots of love and gentle guidance and encouragement, even as I seem to make the same mistakes over and over.

So it makes most sense to follow D&C 121. Long suffering. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Love unfeigned.

Did I mention long suffering?

For instance, I am finding that, when the teenager does not clean up after himself properly, it helps to think back to when I was young. I don't think I cleaned up after myself properly even through college! (So sorry college roommates. ) So when that teenager comes back around, rather than jump down his throat, I can gently and with more compassion explain what my concern is and do a little teaching.

Or when the teenager makes a poor decision, I can try to remember that he or she is just learning, and I can try to show kindness and gentleness as the consequences of that decision (so often naturally occurring) come to pass.

I am not very good at this now. It takes a LOT of patience, unselfishness, swallowing of my pride, looking at things differently, and self control. Basically teenagers are a fabulous lesson in learning to follow the Savior. Thank goodness we have a long line of teenagers to practice on!

Life is IN the interruptions, part 2

This is a P.S. to the post that comes just before this.

So I asked Jacob if he understood what "Life is IN the interruptions" means. He said, "Life is in the interruptions because the interruptions are fun. Without interruptions, all you would do is work."

That really made me laugh. It highlights the difference between a teenage boy, who wants to do anything but work, and a mom, who just wants to be able to get her work done. ; )

Life is IN the interruptions

I finish our Christmas letter, and Rich is proof-reading it. He has a couple of corrections. Then he wants an explanation of one of the favorite quotes I always like to share. "So what does "Life is IN the interruptions" mean?" he aks. "Is it like a play on words, with in and life? What exactly does life mean in that sentence?"

I look at him curiously. "You don't understand what that means?"

He looks back at me a little sheepishly. "Well, I mean, I guess I understand. But do you mean like joy is in the interruptions?"

Katie walks in the room, so I ask her if she knows what the quote means. She responds, "Sure, you know, like life is in being interrupted. You know. Like, you haven't really lived until you have been interrupted?"

Rich pipes in. "Maybe it means that you haven't really lived until you have interrupted someone else?"

At this point, I am figuring out that they don't really understand. Of course. They go to school and work all day. They don't know what it's like to have every thought, every task, every attempt to accomplish something interrupted by someone else.

So I patiently explain.

"You know, life, the things that matter, the things you need to cherish and spend your time on."

"It's like when I am trying to make dinner, and Anna comes in and announces that she wants to help me. Really all I want to do is just get dinner made. But we stop to find her an apron, and then everything takes ten times as long because she wants to do it all. But I let her help, because life is IN the interruptions."

"Or when kids get home from a dance or a date or a party. I really just want to sleep. But I stay up and talk about who was there and who they danced with and how it went. Life is IN the interruptions, even when it's your sleep that is being interrupted."

"Or when, every time we try to have a conversation on the bed after church, three or four kids come plop on the bed to join us. Or when you are trying to think, and somebody wants to read you his birthday list right now, even though his birthday is not for four and a half months. Or somebody else wants to read you the page of funny jokes he just read in the Life magazine. Or when you were just settling down, finally, to read your book, and somebody wants to play Candyland."

"Life is IN the interruptions, especially with children, because someday the interruptions, and the children, will be gone."

Rich says, "Okay, I get it." Then he feels the need to defend himself a little. "I would have guessed right if the question about what it meant had been multiple choice, you know," he says. "I just wasn't quite sure of my answer because it was a fill in the blank."

Redfern twins and the bother of parenting

Today, my oldest niece gave birth to twin baby boys. The text came in around 6 am telling us that Albus and Jimmer were here. My husband's reaction: "Jimmer? Really?"

The next text came several minutes later. "Just kidding. We couldn't resist." They really named the boys Christian and Connor. 6 lb. 4 oz and 5 lb 14 oz, respectively, mother and babies all doing well.

This took me back nearly 17 1/2 years when my own baby twins were born. They weighed almost the same, 6 lb 4 oz and 5 lb 11 1/2 oz. I just can't help thinking about all we have been through and gained over the past 17 plus years.

Yesterday, Rich ate lunch with an older man who never had children. He told Rich as they were discussing his plans for retirement, "We don't have kids, so we don't have to bother with all that."

Bother. Maybe that is a good word to describe some of the headaches of parenting. It is a bother, when you look back on it, to give up sleep and hot meals and all capacity to think through a complete thought, when children are little. It's a bother not to be able to do things when you want to do them. It's a bother to have to change your schedule based on other people. It's a bother to try to figure out how to pay for college and missions, and basketball camp, and to wonder how on earth you are going to help this busy teenager find time to complete his Eagle project. And to stay up til midnight (or later) helping with big school projects. It is definitely a bother when they are sad or disappointed, and when they are sick. Yes, there is a lot of bother in being a parent.

The problem is, if you give up all the 'bother', you give up all the wonder and amazement and fun too. Like just this week. Rich had to leave for work before 5 am, and I was up with a sick child during the night. So when 6 am rolled around, Katie and Jacob were on their own. They got themselves up, got themselves breakfast, made lunches, and got themselves to seminary and then to school. I was amazed by these fabulous teenagers we have. Wow.

What would life be without laughing with them this morning before seminary about the crazy Jimmer and Albus text? Or without hearing about how it went when Jacob asked Ashley to homecoming? Or figuring out Katie's busy practice schedule for the musical at the high school, looking forward to watching her perform next month?

Life is so much more fun and sweet and full because, 17 years ago, two babies entered our lives. There have absolutely been times full of 'bother'. But there have also been times full of hugs and kisses and learning and teaching and happiness. And in the end, we have these great people to love and to be a part of our lives.

Besides, I think all the bother is a part of the plan. How can we ever become selfless like the Savior if we don't have something that makes us forget ourselves?

Here's a quote by Erika Jong from the Mary Engelbrite book Motherhood that I love:

You give up yourself, and finally you don't even mind. I wouldn't have missed this for anything. It humbled my ego and stretched my soul. It gave me whatever crumbs of wisdom I possess today.

Brandon and Whitney, you are starting on a wonderful road. You will love it. (And there will be times when you will wonder what on earth you've gotten yourselves into!) The babies will grow, and so will you. What a happy day! Enjoy!!

Building

"Nothing worth having is easy."

Katie is taking a life skills class from a fabulous teacher who tries to inspire her class with simple, meaningful, daily quotes. Katie writes some of them on the white board in our kitchen. This was today's quote.

Boy, is it true.

I was thinking about how this applies to family life this morning, as I dug through the post-Sunday mess and tried to pull the house back together. I feel guilty for thinking this stage of life is hard because people will tell you all the time how the best years are when your children are young. They reminisce about how much they miss the little handprints on the wall and the pitter-patter of little feet. I always want to ask if they miss the footprints on the walls where the boys continually climb up to hang from the ledges that the architect put there just to torture mothers? Or do they miss the feeling that a herd of elephants has escaped and is running through the house, as kids chase one another up and down the hallways? What about the crushed top ramen noodles all over the kitchen floor where somebody was eating at the computer, again, even though it's against the rules? Because I am just not sure I am going to miss any of those things later.

This morning during some rare time alone, I was pondering how messy and busy and crazy life feels right now. Into my mind came this image:

Imagine that you are building a house. You begin with the foundation. At that point, you've created a big mess; it's just a big slab of cement that sure doesn't look like much.

Next, you begin to add the frame. There are nails and sawdust and tools everywhere. The progress is slow, and things begin to take a bit of shape, but the house is really still a picture in your mind. It takes imagination to see how this frame will become the comfortable home of the future.

Eventually, you begin to add the walls and roof. Then the details start to come into place, as you add the specific items needed for each room in the house. It's a long, slow process, but over time, with patience and work, the house will finally be finished.

I realized that we are in the middle of building a family, which is not unlike building a house. We laid the foundation when we had the children. Over the years, we have put up the frame. But now are the years of adding the details to finish each individual. It is slow, specific, time-consuming work. Each person in the family, like each room in the house, needs something different and needs individual attention during this stage. A lot of our time goes to supporting children in sports, school, and activities, and in celebrating their individual achievements and accomplishments. Oh, and in feeding people and then cleaning up from feeding people. It's messy work. Yet there are glimpses of the people they will become.

One additional thought I had. No one would ever tell you as you are building a house that the greatest joy comes during the building time. Sure, it's exciting to see the work progress, and it feels good to be working hard on something that is important. But it's a lot of work. There are years of joy to be had when the majority of the work is behind you, and you get to live in the completed house!

This image sure helped me to feel more patient with our current stage of life. It's messy and it's slow, but we are accomplishing a great work in the lives of each one of our children.

And isn't that what life is really all about?

In good company

I am not a good summer blogger. In fact, I am not good for much in the summer, except wandering around my house between sprinting from one summer activity to the next, wondering when I am ever going to have time for all those projects I put off until summer break.

However, I did have a moment this week to kneel down in exhausted prayer. I was feeling tired and a bit discouraged. It seems like someone in our family always has something that I am worrying about. Like I naively expected to get projects done over the summer, I think I also--naively--expected to have a break from the worrying. Worrying that someone didn't get invited to the party. Worrying that someone else needs more to keep him busy. Worrying that we are not meeting the needs of this child. Worrying that the athlete won't do well. Or the student won't do well. Worrying about the injured hand, foot, finger, shoulder. Worrying about inexperienced teenage drivers coming home from midnight movies, or a tired husband driving in the canyon.

So I knelt down one day this week, and I expressed the thought that I don't really like it that all these people give me so many things to worry about all the time.

Do you know what the answer was? It sure stopped me in my complaining tracks.

The answer was something like, "So you don't want to be like me? Because my children give me a lot of things to worry about."

Ah. So I when signed up to care about Heavenly Father's children, I signed up for worrying. Okay.

It made me feel a lot better. I guess this is what I signed up for, and I am surely in good company.

Long suffering--even during summer vacation

For the past week and a half since school got out, I have found myself getting more and more snippety every day.

I think it’s having so many bodies home again all the time. It’s that many more children leaving messes and dragging their feet about breakfast chores. It’s that many more people making food, again, and leaving their 3rd cup on the counter, half-way full of milk.

I think it’s also that we aren’t keeping our regular routine, which means there is a lot more playing going on. That means a lot more toys not put away. And a lot more books, and blankets, and shoes, left right where the person had been lying for hours reading. And a lot more distractions when the time comes to stop playing and get a few things done.

I find myself wandering through the house wondering why I am the one working so much, with all these kids around me vacationing.

Actually, there are lots of fun things about summer, too--things like movies and play dates and blogging at 8 am on a Tuesday.

But the irritating things are making me tense. So I have been a little snippety.

Then I read this scripture. 1 Nephi 19:9 And the world shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it, and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and long-suffering towards the children of men.

The words that really jumped out at me were long-suffering. What does it mean to be long suffering like the Savior?

Well, using the example given in the scripture, it at least means to show submissiveness and patience, even with those who hate us and want to kill us and do terrible things to us. It means putting up with hard things because of love. It also means seeing a greater purpose in the suffering, and thus being willing to suffer long. In the Savior's case, He was suffering these things because He knew He needed to give up His life in order for all of Heavenly Father's children to receive eternal life and to be given the opportunity to live with Him again.

Hmmm....

Maybe long-suffering for me could mean showing the children a little more patience and loving kindness right now, especially since my children actually love me and don't mean to be doing irritating things .

Maybe it means using a nice voice--not a voice laced with irritation and impatience--to ask them do the things I need them to do.

Maybe it means overlooking some of the things they aren't doing just right, giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's vacation and that everyone is tired from a long school year.

Maybe it means trying to overlook the negative and instead focus on the positive things they are doing. They are playing nicely together. Other than that first day, there has been very little fighting, especially when you consider the very depressing and unusually rainy and overcast weather. Several children have school work that has to be done over the summer, or ACT prep, and they are doing it mostly without complaint. When they do forget to do something, and I ask them to come clean up or finish their chore, or whatever, they most often do it cheerfully.

Yes, there are plenty of good things I am not noticing that could be pointed out.

Speaking of seeing things with greater purpose, the great purpose of summer break is to give children some time off from the intense school year schedule (not to mention the teachers.) It also gives families some much needed time together. So I suppose the good always comes with some challenges. In this case, it's more bodies. And more mess. And more thoughtlessness in the face of wanting to get on with the business of having fun. Since it's all for such a good reason, I guess I can try to be a little more patient with it.

So my goal for the rest of the summer is to be more long-suffering, and to show more loving kindness. I'm also going to try to look at the positive and keep the negative to myself as much as possible. I'm going to try to overlook the more obvious mess and enjoy being together as a famlily. And I'm going to keep "I'm sorry for snapping at you" right on the tip of my tongue. Because, let's face it, they all have to learn some long-suffering and loving kindness, too.

Another Lesson about Mercy

Last week, I was studying the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. I noticed while studying it that both the prodigal son and the older, righteous brother feel that the sins of the younger son are so great that he doesn't deserve any mercy.

I recognized from this parable my inclination to think that we need to 'deserve' mercy and earn it, rather than be given it as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.

At the same time as I was studying this parable for my Sunday School lesson, I was also trying to hold a firm stance with our older kids about finding a summer job. They had been super busy and had not had much time to look. I was worried they would get into summer mode and spend their time relaxing and being with friends and never get a job at all. So Rich and I told them that they would lose their driving privilege, except to look for a job, once the school year was over.

One evening last week, I suddenly realized that Katie would finally be able to drive friends one day before school gets out (which is when the mandatory one-year waiting period required in California would be up.) I also realized that she would immediately lose that privilege because she had not yet found a job. We talked about it, and I explained my position: she needed the consequence of not being able to drive in order to motivate her to look for a job. It would be painful, I explained, but it would be worth it.

It all made perfect sense to me, and I went to bed feeling like a good parent for holding firm despite internal pressure to give in.

That night I had a very vivid dream. I was going to the temple, but I had forgotten to bring my temple clothes. So the nice temple workers were trying to help me gather what I would need to participate in the temple session in time. I had arrived a bit late, and so we were rushing. They gathered me shoes from over here, stockings from there, a dress from some place else. When we finally got everything I needed, I noticed that Katie was with me. We both began to rush down a long hallway, trying to reach the temple session in time.

Just as we were getting closer to the room for the session, the doors closed. We missed it! I couldn't believe it!

Then, a voice came in my mind. "Well, these are the consequences of your actions. You didn't bring temple clothes and you didn't get here on time, so you miss the session."

I then woke up from the dream. This dream felt pretty real to me because I am usually late and rushing every where I go, especially the temple. I always pray like crazy, and it always works out.

Several times, I have come to the temple without a recommend or have been unusually late getting there. Yet every time, Heavenly Father finds a way to show me mercy. The time I left my wallet at home, it just so happened that our Stake President was right in front of us and vouched for me.

It was very clear to me that this dream was to remind me how much heaven gives me mercy in my life, as well as to jog my memory about trying to show more mercy to my children as well.

I knelt down to pray and was reminded how hard Katie has been working in track. Also, how she was offered a job but had to turn it down because it would have forced her to give up running track. Also how obedient and good she had been about obeying the law not to drive friends, even though everyone else around her breaks that law. Also how she had not even complained about the threat to lose her driving period, even thought she had been counting down the days to be able to drive friends.

I felt so dense for not realizing all this before. I also felt pretty unappreciative for what a good daughter we have, and I felt like we had been inappropriately harsh. And I felt very sheepish.

Let's just say that Rich and I decided to modify our position a bit. I mean, looking for a job is probably more under their control than finding a job anyway, right? And I went right downstairs to tell Katie how much I appreciate her obedience to the law and her hard work and to tell her how much I love her.

Why is showing mercy in parenting so hard?

Maybe it's because I don't want our children to make the same mistakes I did. Maybe I see things from a perspective of looking back, and I want them to do it 'just right' to save them the pain of learning the hard way. Maybe I forget what it's like to be a kid, or maybe I expect more from them than even from myself. Maybe I'm not very patient.

Maybe I'm learning.

I think it is of note that the person showing mercy in the parable of the prodigal son is the Father. The Savior didn't hide that comparison or make it hard to figure out, did he? He made it plain as day. The Father always shows us mercy. He always offers up forgiveness with open arms. Are there consequences? Sure, but they are always buffered as much as possible, especially as we try to do our best.

Here is my favorite quote from Sunday's lesson:

Referring to the parable of the prodigal son, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "I ask you to read that story. Every parent ought to read it again and again. It is large enough to encompass every household, and enough larger than that to encompass all mankind, for are we not all prodigal sons and daughters who need to repent and partake of the forgiving mercy of our Heavenly Father and then follow His example?"

Ah, to learn to follow His example...thank goodness for a persistent Holy Ghost.

Following the Master

Please remember this one thing. If our lives...are centered upon Jesus Christ...nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.

--President Howard W. Hunter

Mistakes

I had new thought this week on a scripture that I have read many times.

2 Nephi 25:26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

I think it's interesting that Nephi doesn't say that they preach of Christ so that their children will turn out perfectly, or have perfect testimonies.

Instead, he says that they, the prophets, write to make sure their children know where to look when they need to be forgiven of their sins.

It makes me think of Alma the Younger. When he was 'harrowed up' by the memory of his sins, he suddenly remembered that his father had taught about 'one Jesus Christ.' His mind focused on this, and he turned to Jesus Christ and prayed to be forgiven.

This shows me that, once again, making mistakes, big ones and little ones, is a part of the plan. So when people that we love make mistakes, I guess it shouldn't surprise us. All individuals are given their free agency and the ability to learn for themselves right from wrong. This leads to mistakes, which are naturally part of the learning process.

Our job is t0 keep rejoicing in and preaching Christ to help those we love (and ourselves!) remember that we can turn to Him.

And sometimes the way we rejoice in and preach Christ is very quiet--by loving unconditionally.

Day 5 Elder and Sister Oaks

Finally, a minute to post about Elder and Sister Oaks' talks from last year. A member of the Quorum of the Twelve, and often his wife, always speak in the closing session of Women's Conference. I love it because you really end on a high note.

(Rich's sister says I am an advertisement for Women's Conference. I guess I am! That's because it's the best women's retreat ever!!)

Anyway....Elder Oaks lost his first wife. Kristin, his second wife, was single before she married Elder Oaks. She is very beautiful. One thing I remember from her talk is that she pointed out how important it is to have occasional 'shopping therapy.' The audience laughed when she said this, and she responded, "It really works!" with a big smile. Cute.

Elder Oaks told a story about when he was called as a new Apostle. Elder Oaks was speaking with a senior Apostle, sharing his feelings of inadequacy regarding his new calling. The senior Apostle (Elder Oaks did not give his name) said that those feelings were understandable, but that he needed to work to be in a position where he was not preoccupied with his own inadequacies and instead put all his effort into concern for the people he was called to serve.

Elder Oaks discussed how teenagers believe there is an imaginary audience in life, that everyone is constantly watching them and noticing how they look and what they do. He called this an over-inflated sense of one's own importance. He said it is not evil to think this way, just childish.

Elder Oaks then suggested that we all need to get to the point where we put aside concern for ourselves and instead focus on those around us that we are in a position to serve. He also pointed out that it is amazing how much we can get done when we don't worry about who gets the credit.

Day 4 Inspiring Thoughts

Erin Holmes said, "As mortal beings, we will probably do this perfect work imperfectly."

JoAnn Child quoted President Monson as saying, "Love does not grow like weeds or fall like rain. Love has it's price."

Marie K. Hafen, wife of Elder Bruce C. Hafen, expressed that Christ's Atonement allows us the time and space to heal from our weaknesses.

She also said that Christ's Atonement allows us the time and space in which to practice how to love.

She also said that sometimes we have to let others slip so that they will learn for themselves.

Day 3--My God is a God of Miracles

Dr. Elllie Young's talk, part 2

Sister Young talked about the experience she had when she decided to pursue her PhD. She began these studies after she already had children. She felt older than the other students, who were all in their early 20s, and she felt frumpy and old and inadequate. She felt very intimidated by the intense demands placed on her, especially since she had so much else to do other than be a student.

At one point in her studies, they had to take an exam that would determine her ability to continue in the PhD program. She felt that, compared to her peers, she was at a disadvantage in passing the exam. She was placed with a study partner who buoyed her up. When Sister Young shared her concerns with her study partner, her partner said she was not worried. Her partner said, "My God is a god of miracles." She knew that God would bless her and help her to pass the exam. This struck a chord in Sister Young. She knew that her god was a god of miracles, too. She began to look at everything through different eyes, with greater faith in God.

"My God is a god of miracles"

In my notes, I wrote: Ask myself how I would think in a situation if I was showing more faith. What happens when I see things through a lens of faith? In other words, what happens when I see my situation through eyes that are being faithful, that are trusting in the miracles of God, that are seeking His counsel and then trusting that counsel? That are trusting His willingness and ability to answer my prayers? Does God have a miracle out there for me if I just have faith enough to receive it?

Women's Conference Thoughts Day 2

My very favorite speaker last year was Ellie Young. She is an associate professor at BYU. Every year, there is one talk that really speaks to my heart and addresses the specific struggles I am having at that time. This was that talk.

She shared one principle that her grandfather always taught her. "No one's any better than you, and you're no better than anyone else."

She also talked about the idea of bending to one another's inadequacies. She shared that we all have weaknesses. We can learn to bend to the inadequacies of others. We recognize that no one is perfect, and so we learn to love others despite their weaknesses, as well as to be patient with those weaknesses because we love them.

She said that we can count on others who love us to bend to our inadequacies as well. It may be that we are forgetful or too talkative or not careful about details. When we love others, we overlook their faults. She said that when we bend to one another's inadequacies, and when they bend to our inadequacies, it deepens our relationships.

This reminds me about a line from a book I have been reading lately, Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It is the best marriage relations book I have ever read, other than the scriptures. At the beginning of the book, the author describes what a 'fascinating woman' is. (In the quote, 'she' refers to the woman, and 'he' refers to her husband.) Andelin says, "She is not consumed in remaking him into the man he ought to be, but accepts him for the man he is, overlooking his human frailties and focusing on his better side."

I think that describes perfectly what it means to 'bend to one another's inadequacies.' We recognize that everyone has human frailties, and so we love and accept one another in patience and with kindness.

Update and thoughts from Women's Conference

First, I wanted to give another quick update on the praising effort. I have still never reached ten pennies in one day. I have, however, noticed that I am getting better at noticing when my children are doing good things and at pointing it out to them. That, I believe, is progress!

Second, I came across my Women's Conference notes from last year, just as I am preparing to go back again this year (hooray!!!) Have I mentioned how much I love Women's Conference? I love it because two days of conference generally translates to about four days away from home. That is do-able for me. It means spending precious time with beloved friends and family (and eating yummy food that I don't have to cook myself), all while sitting at the feet of great men and women, and always one Apostle, to be taught of the Lord. I just love it! I always come home feeling happy to be back with my family and motivated to honor my responsibilities, especially as a wife and mother, with greater enthusiasm.

I remember coming home last year feeling so inspired and wanting to share what I had learned with anyone and everyone who would listen. I never got around to posting anything on this blog, though. So I am going to try to post one thing every day this week from my notes. We'll see how it goes.

Today's thought is from Sister Julie B. Beck's keynote address, which you can read here.

Sister Beck taught us how she learned to prioritize her time as a young mother. She divided her activities into three categories: Essential things, Necessary things, and Nice-To-Do things. Essential things are those important things that must be taken care of every day, eternal things that are essential to our salvation. Necessary things are those things that keep home and family running, like cooking dinner and taking care of the needs of children. She also listed smiling in this category! Nice-To-Do things are activities that are fun and bring variety to life but won't save us or our family members. She took her list to the temple and asked the Lord to guide her to know which category her daily activities fell under.

She said, "To walk with the Lord, we have to know what is essential, what is necessary, and what is nice to do. There is a lot to do, but I find that it is amazing how much I get to do on my nice-to-do list. The Lord blesses us with those mercies, but only if the other priorities are in order."

I wrote in my notes, "The Lord wants me to prioritize so that I am using my limited energy on what really matters."