The Muddle in the Middle

Learning about teenagers

2012-01-28T12:56:00.000-08:00

Probably the most significant thing I have learned about teenagers in the past year is that just because they are the same size as you does not mean that you can expect adult behavior from them.

It's very tempting. They are suddenly looking you in the eye (or over the top of your head), and much of the time they are very responsible, especially when it comes to things that matter a lot to them, like school or work or relationships with friends.

So you go along, thinking to yourself, "Wow, so and so is so responsible and grown up now." If you are like me, you might even mentally pat yourself on the back for being such a great parent who has raised such a mature child.

And then out of the blue their behavior changes. It may be chores. It may be cleaning up after themselves. It may be total lack of all good judgement in some area that seems so incredibly obvious to a (self-righteous) adult.

You are left shaking your head and can't help but say to the teenager with exasperation, "What on earth were you thinking?!"

After this patterns happens a few times, you wonder what you are doing wrong.

All of a sudden one day, I realized (I'm sure with much nudging from the Holy Ghost) that I was expecting too much.

The truth is, I have been physically just about the same size as my Heavenly Parents for a long time. And I have been bearing and raising children for about 20 years. Yet, I know there has not been an expectation that I be spiritually mature or capable of the same level of parenting as my Heavenly Father shows to me. Mostly what I have felt over the years is lots of love and gentle guidance and encouragement, even as I seem to make the same mistakes over and over.

So it makes most sense to follow D&C 121. Long suffering. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Love unfeigned.

Did I mention long suffering?

For instance, I am finding that, when the teenager does not clean up after himself properly, it helps to think back to when I was young. I don't think I cleaned up after myself properly even through college! (So sorry college roommates. ) So when that teenager comes back around, rather than jump down his throat, I can gently and with more compassion explain what my concern is and do a little teaching.

Or when the teenager makes a poor decision, I can try to remember that he or she is just learning, and I can try to show kindness and gentleness as the consequences of that decision (so often naturally occurring) come to pass.

I am not very good at this now. It takes a LOT of patience, unselfishness, swallowing of my pride, looking at things differently, and self control. Basically teenagers are a fabulous lesson in learning to follow the Savior. Thank goodness we have a long line of teenagers to practice on!

Life is IN the interruptions, part 2

2011-11-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

This is a P.S. to the post that comes just before this.

So I asked Jacob if he understood what "Life is IN the interruptions" means. He said, "Life is in the interruptions because the interruptions are fun. Without interruptions, all you would do is work."

That really made me laugh. It highlights the difference between a teenage boy, who wants to do anything but work, and a mom, who just wants to be able to get her work done. ; )

Life is IN the interruptions

2011-11-28T00:51:00.000-08:00

I finish our Christmas letter, and Rich is proof-reading it. He has a couple of corrections. Then he wants an explanation of one of the favorite quotes I always like to share. "So what does "Life is IN the interruptions" mean?" he aks. "Is it like a play on words, with in and life? What exactly does life mean in that sentence?"

I look at him curiously. "You don't understand what that means?"

He looks back at me a little sheepishly. "Well, I mean, I guess I understand. But do you mean like joy is in the interruptions?"

Katie walks in the room, so I ask her if she knows what the quote means. She responds, "Sure, you know, like life is in being interrupted. You know. Like, you haven't really lived until you have been interrupted?"

Rich pipes in. "Maybe it means that you haven't really lived until you have interrupted someone else?"

At this point, I am figuring out that they don't really understand. Of course. They go to school and work all day. They don't know what it's like to have every thought, every task, every attempt to accomplish something interrupted by someone else.

So I patiently explain.

"You know, life, the things that matter, the things you need to cherish and spend your time on."

"It's like when I am trying to make dinner, and Anna comes in and announces that she wants to help me. Really all I want to do is just get dinner made. But we stop to find her an apron, and then everything takes ten times as long because she wants to do it all. But I let her help, because life is IN the interruptions."

"Or when kids get home from a dance or a date or a party. I really just want to sleep. But I stay up and talk about who was there and who they danced with and how it went. Life is IN the interruptions, even when it's your sleep that is being interrupted."

"Or when, every time we try to have a conversation on the bed after church, three or four kids come plop on the bed to join us. Or when you are trying to think, and somebody wants to read you his birthday list right now, even though his birthday is not for four and a half months. Or somebody else wants to read you the page of funny jokes he just read in the Life magazine. Or when you were just settling down, finally, to read your book, and somebody wants to play Candyland."

"Life is IN the interruptions, especially with children, because someday the interruptions, and the children, will be gone."

Rich says, "Okay, I get it." Then he feels the need to defend himself a little. "I would have guessed right if the question about what it meant had been multiple choice, you know," he says. "I just wasn't quite sure of my answer because it was a fill in the blank."

Redfern twins and the bother of parenting

2011-10-07T08:39:00.001-07:00

Today, my oldest niece gave birth to twin baby boys. The text came in around 6 am telling us that Albus and Jimmer were here. My husband's reaction: "Jimmer? Really?"

The next text came several minutes later. "Just kidding. We couldn't resist." They really named the boys Christian and Connor. 6 lb. 4 oz and 5 lb 14 oz, respectively, mother and babies all doing well.

This took me back nearly 17 1/2 years when my own baby twins were born. They weighed almost the same, 6 lb 4 oz and 5 lb 11 1/2 oz. I just can't help thinking about all we have been through and gained over the past 17 plus years.

Yesterday, Rich ate lunch with an older man who never had children. He told Rich as they were discussing his plans for retirement, "We don't have kids, so we don't have to bother with all that."

Bother. Maybe that is a good word to describe some of the headaches of parenting. It is a bother, when you look back on it, to give up sleep and hot meals and all capacity to think through a complete thought, when children are little. It's a bother not to be able to do things when you want to do them. It's a bother to have to change your schedule based on other people. It's a bother to try to figure out how to pay for college and missions, and basketball camp, and to wonder how on earth you are going to help this busy teenager find time to complete his Eagle project. And to stay up til midnight (or later) helping with big school projects. It is definitely a bother when they are sad or disappointed, and when they are sick. Yes, there is a lot of bother in being a parent.

The problem is, if you give up all the 'bother', you give up all the wonder and amazement and fun too. Like just this week. Rich had to leave for work before 5 am, and I was up with a sick child during the night. So when 6 am rolled around, Katie and Jacob were on their own. They got themselves up, got themselves breakfast, made lunches, and got themselves to seminary and then to school. I was amazed by these fabulous teenagers we have. Wow.

What would life be without laughing with them this morning before seminary about the crazy Jimmer and Albus text? Or without hearing about how it went when Jacob asked Ashley to homecoming? Or figuring out Katie's busy practice schedule for the musical at the high school, looking forward to watching her perform next month?

Life is so much more fun and sweet and full because, 17 years ago, two babies entered our lives. There have absolutely been times full of 'bother'. But there have also been times full of hugs and kisses and learning and teaching and happiness. And in the end, we have these great people to love and to be a part of our lives.

Besides, I think all the bother is a part of the plan. How can we ever become selfless like the Savior if we don't have something that makes us forget ourselves?

Here's a quote by Erika Jong from the Mary Engelbrite book Motherhood that I love:

You give up yourself, and finally you don't even mind. I wouldn't have missed this for anything. It humbled my ego and stretched my soul. It gave me whatever crumbs of wisdom I possess today.

Brandon and Whitney, you are starting on a wonderful road. You will love it. (And there will be times when you will wonder what on earth you've gotten yourselves into!) The babies will grow, and so will you. What a happy day! Enjoy!!

Building

2011-08-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

"Nothing worth having is easy."

Katie is taking a life skills class from a fabulous teacher who tries to inspire her class with simple, meaningful, daily quotes. Katie writes some of them on the white board in our kitchen. This was today's quote.

Boy, is it true.

I was thinking about how this applies to family life this morning, as I dug through the post-Sunday mess and tried to pull the house back together. I feel guilty for thinking this stage of life is hard because people will tell you all the time how the best years are when your children are young. They reminisce about how much they miss the little handprints on the wall and the pitter-patter of little feet. I always want to ask if they miss the footprints on the walls where the boys continually climb up to hang from the ledges that the architect put there just to torture mothers? Or do they miss the feeling that a herd of elephants has escaped and is running through the house, as kids chase one another up and down the hallways? What about the crushed top ramen noodles all over the kitchen floor where somebody was eating at the computer, again, even though it's against the rules? Because I am just not sure I am going to miss any of those things later.

This morning during some rare time alone, I was pondering how messy and busy and crazy life feels right now. Into my mind came this image:

Imagine that you are building a house. You begin with the foundation. At that point, you've created a big mess; it's just a big slab of cement that sure doesn't look like much.

Next, you begin to add the frame. There are nails and sawdust and tools everywhere. The progress is slow, and things begin to take a bit of shape, but the house is really still a picture in your mind. It takes imagination to see how this frame will become the comfortable home of the future.

Eventually, you begin to add the walls and roof. Then the details start to come into place, as you add the specific items needed for each room in the house. It's a long, slow process, but over time, with patience and work, the house will finally be finished.

I realized that we are in the middle of building a family, which is not unlike building a house. We laid the foundation when we had the children. Over the years, we have put up the frame. But now are the years of adding the details to finish each individual. It is slow, specific, time-consuming work. Each person in the family, like each room in the house, needs something different and needs individual attention during this stage. A lot of our time goes to supporting children in sports, school, and activities, and in celebrating their individual achievements and accomplishments. Oh, and in feeding people and then cleaning up from feeding people. It's messy work. Yet there are glimpses of the people they will become.

One additional thought I had. No one would ever tell you as you are building a house that the greatest joy comes during the building time. Sure, it's exciting to see the work progress, and it feels good to be working hard on something that is important. But it's a lot of work. There are years of joy to be had when the majority of the work is behind you, and you get to live in the completed house!

This image sure helped me to feel more patient with our current stage of life. It's messy and it's slow, but we are accomplishing a great work in the lives of each one of our children.

And isn't that what life is really all about?

In good company

2011-07-25T23:15:00.001-07:00

I am not a good summer blogger. In fact, I am not good for much in the summer, except wandering around my house between sprinting from one summer activity to the next, wondering when I am ever going to have time for all those projects I put off until summer break.

However, I did have a moment this week to kneel down in exhausted prayer. I was feeling tired and a bit discouraged. It seems like someone in our family always has something that I am worrying about. Like I naively expected to get projects done over the summer, I think I also--naively--expected to have a break from the worrying. Worrying that someone didn't get invited to the party. Worrying that someone else needs more to keep him busy. Worrying that we are not meeting the needs of this child. Worrying that the athlete won't do well. Or the student won't do well. Worrying about the injured hand, foot, finger, shoulder. Worrying about inexperienced teenage drivers coming home from midnight movies, or a tired husband driving in the canyon.

So I knelt down one day this week, and I expressed the thought that I don't really like it that all these people give me so many things to worry about all the time.

Do you know what the answer was? It sure stopped me in my complaining tracks.

The answer was something like, "So you don't want to be like me? Because my children give me a lot of things to worry about."

Ah. So I when signed up to care about Heavenly Father's children, I signed up for worrying. Okay.

It made me feel a lot better. I guess this is what I signed up for, and I am surely in good company.

Long suffering--even during summer vacation

2011-06-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

For the past week and a half since school got out, I have found myself getting more and more snippety every day.

I think it’s having so many bodies home again all the time. It’s that many more children leaving messes and dragging their feet about breakfast chores. It’s that many more people making food, again, and leaving their 3rd cup on the counter, half-way full of milk.

I think it’s also that we aren’t keeping our regular routine, which means there is a lot more playing going on. That means a lot more toys not put away. And a lot more books, and blankets, and shoes, left right where the person had been lying for hours reading. And a lot more distractions when the time comes to stop playing and get a few things done.

I find myself wandering through the house wondering why I am the one working so much, with all these kids around me vacationing.

Actually, there are lots of fun things about summer, too--things like movies and play dates and blogging at 8 am on a Tuesday.

But the irritating things are making me tense. So I have been a little snippety.

Then I read this scripture. 1 Nephi 19:9 And the world shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it, and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and long-suffering towards the children of men.

The words that really jumped out at me were long-suffering. What does it mean to be long suffering like the Savior?

Well, using the example given in the scripture, it at least means to show submissiveness and patience, even with those who hate us and want to kill us and do terrible things to us. It means putting up with hard things because of love. It also means seeing a greater purpose in the suffering, and thus being willing to suffer long. In the Savior's case, He was suffering these things because He knew He needed to give up His life in order for all of Heavenly Father's children to receive eternal life and to be given the opportunity to live with Him again.

Hmmm....

Maybe long-suffering for me could mean showing the children a little more patience and loving kindness right now, especially since my children actually love me and don't mean to be doing irritating things .

Maybe it means using a nice voice--not a voice laced with irritation and impatience--to ask them do the things I need them to do.

Maybe it means overlooking some of the things they aren't doing just right, giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's vacation and that everyone is tired from a long school year.

Maybe it means trying to overlook the negative and instead focus on the positive things they are doing. They are playing nicely together. Other than that first day, there has been very little fighting, especially when you consider the very depressing and unusually rainy and overcast weather. Several children have school work that has to be done over the summer, or ACT prep, and they are doing it mostly without complaint. When they do forget to do something, and I ask them to come clean up or finish their chore, or whatever, they most often do it cheerfully.

Yes, there are plenty of good things I am not noticing that could be pointed out.

Speaking of seeing things with greater purpose, the great purpose of summer break is to give children some time off from the intense school year schedule (not to mention the teachers.) It also gives families some much needed time together. So I suppose the good always comes with some challenges. In this case, it's more bodies. And more mess. And more thoughtlessness in the face of wanting to get on with the business of having fun. Since it's all for such a good reason, I guess I can try to be a little more patient with it.

So my goal for the rest of the summer is to be more long-suffering, and to show more loving kindness. I'm also going to try to look at the positive and keep the negative to myself as much as possible. I'm going to try to overlook the more obvious mess and enjoy being together as a famlily. And I'm going to keep "I'm sorry for snapping at you" right on the tip of my tongue. Because, let's face it, they all have to learn some long-suffering and loving kindness, too.

Another Lesson about Mercy

2011-05-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was studying the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. I noticed while studying it that both the prodigal son and the older, righteous brother feel that the sins of the younger son are so great that he doesn't deserve any mercy.

I recognized from this parable my inclination to think that we need to 'deserve' mercy and earn it, rather than be given it as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.

At the same time as I was studying this parable for my Sunday School lesson, I was also trying to hold a firm stance with our older kids about finding a summer job. They had been super busy and had not had much time to look. I was worried they would get into summer mode and spend their time relaxing and being with friends and never get a job at all. So Rich and I told them that they would lose their driving privilege, except to look for a job, once the school year was over.

One evening last week, I suddenly realized that Katie would finally be able to drive friends one day before school gets out (which is when the mandatory one-year waiting period required in California would be up.) I also realized that she would immediately lose that privilege because she had not yet found a job. We talked about it, and I explained my position: she needed the consequence of not being able to drive in order to motivate her to look for a job. It would be painful, I explained, but it would be worth it.

It all made perfect sense to me, and I went to bed feeling like a good parent for holding firm despite internal pressure to give in.

That night I had a very vivid dream. I was going to the temple, but I had forgotten to bring my temple clothes. So the nice temple workers were trying to help me gather what I would need to participate in the temple session in time. I had arrived a bit late, and so we were rushing. They gathered me shoes from over here, stockings from there, a dress from some place else. When we finally got everything I needed, I noticed that Katie was with me. We both began to rush down a long hallway, trying to reach the temple session in time.

Just as we were getting closer to the room for the session, the doors closed. We missed it! I couldn't believe it!

Then, a voice came in my mind. "Well, these are the consequences of your actions. You didn't bring temple clothes and you didn't get here on time, so you miss the session."

I then woke up from the dream. This dream felt pretty real to me because I am usually late and rushing every where I go, especially the temple. I always pray like crazy, and it always works out.

Several times, I have come to the temple without a recommend or have been unusually late getting there. Yet every time, Heavenly Father finds a way to show me mercy. The time I left my wallet at home, it just so happened that our Stake President was right in front of us and vouched for me.

It was very clear to me that this dream was to remind me how much heaven gives me mercy in my life, as well as to jog my memory about trying to show more mercy to my children as well.

I knelt down to pray and was reminded how hard Katie has been working in track. Also, how she was offered a job but had to turn it down because it would have forced her to give up running track. Also how obedient and good she had been about obeying the law not to drive friends, even though everyone else around her breaks that law. Also how she had not even complained about the threat to lose her driving period, even thought she had been counting down the days to be able to drive friends.

I felt so dense for not realizing all this before. I also felt pretty unappreciative for what a good daughter we have, and I felt like we had been inappropriately harsh. And I felt very sheepish.

Let's just say that Rich and I decided to modify our position a bit. I mean, looking for a job is probably more under their control than finding a job anyway, right? And I went right downstairs to tell Katie how much I appreciate her obedience to the law and her hard work and to tell her how much I love her.

Why is showing mercy in parenting so hard?

Maybe it's because I don't want our children to make the same mistakes I did. Maybe I see things from a perspective of looking back, and I want them to do it 'just right' to save them the pain of learning the hard way. Maybe I forget what it's like to be a kid, or maybe I expect more from them than even from myself. Maybe I'm not very patient.

Maybe I'm learning.

I think it is of note that the person showing mercy in the parable of the prodigal son is the Father. The Savior didn't hide that comparison or make it hard to figure out, did he? He made it plain as day. The Father always shows us mercy. He always offers up forgiveness with open arms. Are there consequences? Sure, but they are always buffered as much as possible, especially as we try to do our best.

Here is my favorite quote from Sunday's lesson:

Referring to the parable of the prodigal son, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "I ask you to read that story. Every parent ought to read it again and again. It is large enough to encompass every household, and enough larger than that to encompass all mankind, for are we not all prodigal sons and daughters who need to repent and partake of the forgiving mercy of our Heavenly Father and then follow His example?"

Ah, to learn to follow His example...thank goodness for a persistent Holy Ghost.

Following the Master

2011-05-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

Please remember this one thing. If our lives...are centered upon Jesus Christ...nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.

--President Howard W. Hunter

Mistakes

2011-04-18T22:18:00.001-07:00

I had new thought this week on a scripture that I have read many times.

2 Nephi 25:26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

I think it's interesting that Nephi doesn't say that they preach of Christ so that their children will turn out perfectly, or have perfect testimonies.

Instead, he says that they, the prophets, write to make sure their children know where to look when they need to be forgiven of their sins.

It makes me think of Alma the Younger. When he was 'harrowed up' by the memory of his sins, he suddenly remembered that his father had taught about 'one Jesus Christ.' His mind focused on this, and he turned to Jesus Christ and prayed to be forgiven.

This shows me that, once again, making mistakes, big ones and little ones, is a part of the plan. So when people that we love make mistakes, I guess it shouldn't surprise us. All individuals are given their free agency and the ability to learn for themselves right from wrong. This leads to mistakes, which are naturally part of the learning process.

Our job is t0 keep rejoicing in and preaching Christ to help those we love (and ourselves!) remember that we can turn to Him.

And sometimes the way we rejoice in and preach Christ is very quiet--by loving unconditionally.

Day 5 Elder and Sister Oaks

2011-04-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

Finally, a minute to post about Elder and Sister Oaks' talks from last year. A member of the Quorum of the Twelve, and often his wife, always speak in the closing session of Women's Conference. I love it because you really end on a high note.

(Rich's sister says I am an advertisement for Women's Conference. I guess I am! That's because it's the best women's retreat ever!!)

Anyway....Elder Oaks lost his first wife. Kristin, his second wife, was single before she married Elder Oaks. She is very beautiful. One thing I remember from her talk is that she pointed out how important it is to have occasional 'shopping therapy.' The audience laughed when she said this, and she responded, "It really works!" with a big smile. Cute.

Elder Oaks told a story about when he was called as a new Apostle. Elder Oaks was speaking with a senior Apostle, sharing his feelings of inadequacy regarding his new calling. The senior Apostle (Elder Oaks did not give his name) said that those feelings were understandable, but that he needed to work to be in a position where he was not preoccupied with his own inadequacies and instead put all his effort into concern for the people he was called to serve.

Elder Oaks discussed how teenagers believe there is an imaginary audience in life, that everyone is constantly watching them and noticing how they look and what they do. He called this an over-inflated sense of one's own importance. He said it is not evil to think this way, just childish.

Elder Oaks then suggested that we all need to get to the point where we put aside concern for ourselves and instead focus on those around us that we are in a position to serve. He also pointed out that it is amazing how much we can get done when we don't worry about who gets the credit.

Day 4 Inspiring Thoughts

2011-04-13T12:48:00.001-07:00

Erin Holmes said, "As mortal beings, we will probably do this perfect work imperfectly."

JoAnn Child quoted President Monson as saying, "Love does not grow like weeds or fall like rain. Love has it's price."

Marie K. Hafen, wife of Elder Bruce C. Hafen, expressed that Christ's Atonement allows us the time and space to heal from our weaknesses.

She also said that Christ's Atonement allows us the time and space in which to practice how to love.

She also said that sometimes we have to let others slip so that they will learn for themselves.

Day 3--My God is a God of Miracles

2011-04-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Dr. Elllie Young's talk, part 2

Sister Young talked about the experience she had when she decided to pursue her PhD. She began these studies after she already had children. She felt older than the other students, who were all in their early 20s, and she felt frumpy and old and inadequate. She felt very intimidated by the intense demands placed on her, especially since she had so much else to do other than be a student.

At one point in her studies, they had to take an exam that would determine her ability to continue in the PhD program. She felt that, compared to her peers, she was at a disadvantage in passing the exam. She was placed with a study partner who buoyed her up. When Sister Young shared her concerns with her study partner, her partner said she was not worried. Her partner said, "My God is a god of miracles." She knew that God would bless her and help her to pass the exam. This struck a chord in Sister Young. She knew that her god was a god of miracles, too. She began to look at everything through different eyes, with greater faith in God.

"My God is a god of miracles"

In my notes, I wrote: Ask myself how I would think in a situation if I was showing more faith. What happens when I see things through a lens of faith? In other words, what happens when I see my situation through eyes that are being faithful, that are trusting in the miracles of God, that are seeking His counsel and then trusting that counsel? That are trusting His willingness and ability to answer my prayers? Does God have a miracle out there for me if I just have faith enough to receive it?

Women's Conference Thoughts Day 2

2011-04-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

My very favorite speaker last year was Ellie Young. She is an associate professor at BYU. Every year, there is one talk that really speaks to my heart and addresses the specific struggles I am having at that time. This was that talk.

She shared one principle that her grandfather always taught her. "No one's any better than you, and you're no better than anyone else."

She also talked about the idea of bending to one another's inadequacies. She shared that we all have weaknesses. We can learn to bend to the inadequacies of others. We recognize that no one is perfect, and so we learn to love others despite their weaknesses, as well as to be patient with those weaknesses because we love them.

She said that we can count on others who love us to bend to our inadequacies as well. It may be that we are forgetful or too talkative or not careful about details. When we love others, we overlook their faults. She said that when we bend to one another's inadequacies, and when they bend to our inadequacies, it deepens our relationships.

This reminds me about a line from a book I have been reading lately, Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It is the best marriage relations book I have ever read, other than the scriptures. At the beginning of the book, the author describes what a 'fascinating woman' is. (In the quote, 'she' refers to the woman, and 'he' refers to her husband.) Andelin says, "She is not consumed in remaking him into the man he ought to be, but accepts him for the man he is, overlooking his human frailties and focusing on his better side."

I think that describes perfectly what it means to 'bend to one another's inadequacies.' We recognize that everyone has human frailties, and so we love and accept one another in patience and with kindness.

Update and thoughts from Women's Conference

2011-04-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

First, I wanted to give another quick update on the praising effort. I have still never reached ten pennies in one day. I have, however, noticed that I am getting better at noticing when my children are doing good things and at pointing it out to them. That, I believe, is progress!

Second, I came across my Women's Conference notes from last year, just as I am preparing to go back again this year (hooray!!!) Have I mentioned how much I love Women's Conference? I love it because two days of conference generally translates to about four days away from home. That is do-able for me. It means spending precious time with beloved friends and family (and eating yummy food that I don't have to cook myself), all while sitting at the feet of great men and women, and always one Apostle, to be taught of the Lord. I just love it! I always come home feeling happy to be back with my family and motivated to honor my responsibilities, especially as a wife and mother, with greater enthusiasm.

I remember coming home last year feeling so inspired and wanting to share what I had learned with anyone and everyone who would listen. I never got around to posting anything on this blog, though. So I am going to try to post one thing every day this week from my notes. We'll see how it goes.

Today's thought is from Sister Julie B. Beck's keynote address, which you can read here.

Sister Beck taught us how she learned to prioritize her time as a young mother. She divided her activities into three categories: Essential things, Necessary things, and Nice-To-Do things. Essential things are those important things that must be taken care of every day, eternal things that are essential to our salvation. Necessary things are those things that keep home and family running, like cooking dinner and taking care of the needs of children. She also listed smiling in this category! Nice-To-Do things are activities that are fun and bring variety to life but won't save us or our family members. She took her list to the temple and asked the Lord to guide her to know which category her daily activities fell under.

She said, "To walk with the Lord, we have to know what is essential, what is necessary, and what is nice to do. There is a lot to do, but I find that it is amazing how much I get to do on my nice-to-do list. The Lord blesses us with those mercies, but only if the other priorities are in order."

I wrote in my notes, "The Lord wants me to prioritize so that I am using my limited energy on what really matters."

Penny Update

2011-03-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

So this has been pretty humbling.

The first day I attempted to praise my children, I only moved one penny from one pocket to the other. Okay, so I shouldn't have started on a busy Saturday with a full day of cleaning ahead of us. But still.

I really have to get better at verbalizing the positive things I notice about my children. I am thinking it is like any skill. It will improve with time.

So this weeks goal is to put 10 pennies in one pocket and see if I can successfully move all of them to the other pocket in one day by the end of the week.

I did better than Rich. He didn't move any pennies from one pocket to the other that first day. ; )

Pennies in your pocket

2011-03-24T16:23:00.001-07:00

I read a great idea yesterday in a magazine. The author was discussing the need to be more positive to children than negative, especially when noticing their character strenghts. He recognized that it is much easier to scold children for what they are not doing than to commend them for what they are doing. That is the truth at our house!

So he suggested putting 10 pennies in one pocket. Then you move a penny to the other pocket every time you give a child a sincere compliment. The goal would be to move all ten pennies to the other pocket by the end of the day.

Isn't that a great idea?

Of course, since we have 8 children, I would have 80 pennies in my pocket!

I love this ideas because it is such a tangible way to remember to praise. I also love it because I want to develop the habit of catching my children being good, but I forget from day to day.

So my plan is to put a pile of pennies in my pocket and see how many sincere compliments I can give each day.

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

2011-03-14T22:57:00.002-07:00

Yesterday in Sunday School, the teacher referred to Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." He asked us how we know what our treasure is. Answers came back that our treasure is determined by what we use our time, money and thoughts on. He asked us to consider this in our lives to see if we need a course correction.

I have been thinking about it since the lesson. There are so many endless ways to help, and so many endless distractions and demands on a woman's time. It can be hard, for me at least, to keep it all straight.

Tonight I read a blog post that reminded me about my greatest treasure and greatest responsibility right now. It is from my wise friend, Britt, again. She said:

"a CS Lewis book kept coming into my mind…Screwtape Letters. At one point wormwood is reminding screwtape that if a person must feel charitable and have a desire to help, try to focus it on people as far away as possible. Let them feel all sorts of love and compassion for those on the other side of the world, but for those closest to them encourage little annoyances. Especially in this internet world I feel prone to look at those who have real needs far away. It is possible that God wants me to do something for them. Yet it is equally important to cloth the naked and feed the hungry in my own home. One service may get more attention, but both care for God’s children. If we really feel that we’ll go where God wants me to go, that may include time sitting on the bathtub with a child, or into our very own laundry room."

For me, right now, my treasure, where the Lord wants me to spend the majority of my time, thoughts and energy, is at home.

Perfecting ourselves vs. becoming perfect in Christ

2011-03-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Today I was tired from working so hard last week on a Sunday School lesson. I estimated that I spent 12 hours preparing for a lesson on Matthew 5. You see, I teach Gospel Doctrine, and the Temple President, the Stake President, and the previous Stake President, plus any number of ex-Bishops, can be found in our ward on any given week.

That makes me a little nervous.

So I spent hours looking up cross-references in the scriptures and studying commentary from various sources. I spent about two hours each day, Monday through Saturday. That is all my spare time, the time I usually exercise and read and blog, the time I have to do things that make life fun and more than just a lot of work.

The lesson went well, and I think we all felt the Spirit and learned more about being a follower of Jesus Christ. But today I felt pretty worn out from the effort.

Then, this morning as I sat there feeling reluctant to dive into Matthew 6 for next week's lesson (which the team teacher will be handling, thankfully), I glanced at Matthew 5:48. "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect."

What does it mean to be perfect?

I did my best to prepare perfectly for my lesson yesterday. As a mother, I try to do everything just right so that my efforts will prepare our children to be adults and to be independent. I try to be perfect as I serve and work and take care of all these bodies and juggle all the demands of life.

But am I trying to perfect myself or am I allowing myself to become perfect in Christ?

It's a fine line that divides the need for individual effort versus the need for faith. However, I read a verse this morning that helped me see things differently.

D&C 121:35 ...their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world and aspire to the honors of men...

Am I aspiring to the honors of men? Am I trying to become perfect on my own so that others will give me recognition? Did I work so hard on that Sunday school lesson because the Temple President might be there? Would I have worked as hard for a class of 15 year olds?

The answer is one of those gray areas of life--my motivations aren't completely focused on bringing honor to the Father, but they aren't completely focused on bringing honor to myself either. To have intentions that are free from selfish motive and concern probably takes more than this lifetime.

But the important question I asked myself is who am I relying on?

When I am trying to perfect myself and relying more on my own efforts, then I quickly get impatient with my children for getting in the way of the things I want to get done. When I am depending more on Christ, then I am full of love for my children and I am patient and understanding and slower to react with anger when they don't fall in line with my plans for the day. I know He will somehow help me, and so I can trust that, although things might go more slowly, the important things will still get done.

When I am trying to perfect myself, I am impatient and hard on myself for my weaknesses and imperfections. I am also impatient and hard on those around me. When I am depending on Christ, then I am patient and kind and gentle with others when they make mistakes. I am also more kind and patient with myself. I recognize that change takes time and that we are all doing our best and that the Atonement is real. I see the big picture and am not in such a hurry for everyone to be just the way I want them to be, even myself.

When I am trying to perfect myself, I am focused on worldly things that will bring me the attention of others. When I am depending on Christ, I am focused on spiritual things that will bring me closer to Him and to my Father in Heaven. I feel the Spirit and want to feel it more and care less about things that don't matter eternally.

So how do I stay more focused and dependent on Christ? It all seems to come back to having the Holy Ghost as a companion each day by doing those simple things that the Prophet asks us to do--pray, study, ponder, attend the temple. It also comes from turning my burdens to the Lord in prayer and asking for His help and then trusting that He will give it.

One thing I also realized through this contemplation is that Heavenly Father knows I can't put 12 hours into preparing a Sunday School lesson every week. He doesn't expect me to give up all my spare time and the things I enjoy doing, even for something as worthwhile as service and scripture study. He doesn't expect me to try to perfect myself and rely on my own efforts in order to have successful, uplifting lessons.

He knows who comes to that class. He also knows how much I have to do each day. He just expects me to do the best that I can each week, ask for His help, and then rely on the perfecting power and mercy of the Savior and His Atonement. Then the Sunday School lessons will take care of themselves, and I will still get to exercise and read and blog a little. And maybe I won't be quite so worn out on Monday morning.

What is life all about anyway?

2011-03-04T16:14:00.000-08:00

My friend Britt Kelly posted this very poignant thought in her comments on her new fly lady blog:

Life is IN the interruptions.

Love it.

How do I Serve?

2011-02-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

In Relief Society today, we had a lesson on Service (probably like most people around the world.) The teacher put four categories of different kinds of service on the board, and then we made lists of ways that we can serve under each category. The categories were economical, social, physical and spiritual. It created a very inspiring discussion to think of so many different ways to serve.

Ever since the lesson, I have been pondering how the service of motherhood, probably the greatest service most women give, was not very represented on the list we made.

Maybe we don't see all the work we do for our families as 'service' because it is so menial and so every-day. It doesn't get us much attention from others, and most of it has to be done all over again the next day.

It's like not being able to see the forest through the trees.

Motherhood begins as women are willing to literally 'lose themselves' to provide physical bodies for Heavenly Father's spirit children. What greater physical service could someone give? Then, whether you give birth to the children or adopt them, the work of taking care of them is some of the most demanding physical work around. In fact, there aren't many other professions that require someone to do all his regular work during the day after being on the night shift, and being woken up regularly, all night.

Sister Julie B. Beck said at Women's Conference last year, "...I learned something from my father-in-law years ago. He was steel worker and spent his time working three different shifts. He either worked the day shift, the night shift, or the swing shift. As a young mother I realized that I was working all three shifts, and that's why I was so tired."

And while all acts of service are worthwhile and appreciated by our Father in Heaven, I believe that the most effective and long-lasting service we can give is the service we give to our families.

We serve as we do the physical work, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and carpooling. We also get the fun physical service, like giving lots and lots of hugs and kisses, and playing together.

We serve as we persevere through Family Home Evening and scripture study and Sunday church and trying to go to an event as a family, only to spend most of it watching toddlers in the hall.

We serve as we come up with creative ways to make breakfasts and lunches for everyone, and then get up early to make sure they eat and get out the door with lunch in hand on time.

We serve as we give over our bodies to little growing babies for 9 months, and then to big growing babies for possibly another year or more. We give up our sleep and we give up our fashion style and we give up our cute little compact car.

When they grow up and have some more freedom, we give up our sleep again, this time driving them to and from Stake dances and never really falling asleep until they are safely home once they can drive themselves.

If I had to sit in that lesson again, I would try to make my comments focus more on motherhood, just to give all those great mothers some more appreciation for all of the service they do every day without even thinking about it.

It's nice growing older

2011-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

Today we are having an afternoon holiday, which means that I can post the significant thought that I just had on the blog.

Here is the significant thought: It's nice to get older. It seems, to me, that life gets easier as I get older.

Here is why I had that thought: Last night, Rich and I stayed up late putting together little valentine boxes for each of the children. I had purchased all sorts of little treats at the dollar store the week before. Rich helped me assemble them and then read his book while I cut out hearts and put a short note in each one. Then, when Rich went to brush his teeth, I put out a card and a treat for him.

I had to do this last night because Rich gets up with the high schoolers and gets them breakfast and out the door to seminary (and on Monday, signed up for basketball reffing), and I sleep in.

Just now, Rich called from work. He thanked me for the note in the card. He apologized for not leaving a note for me. I told him that I didn't care. I know he loves me. I told him that my "note" was that he got up with the older children and handled the basketball sign-ups and breakfast and the laundry crisis that happened this morning and let me sleep in. I told him that I know he loves me because he does things.

And I really meant it.

Something about this exchange took my mind back 16 years to our second Valentine's Day together. I remembered, with a cringe, how mad I got because Rich completely forgot Valentine's Day. He finally remembered about three days later and brought me flowers, but I held this against him for something like five or six years. I said I forgave him but, oh, I sure didn't forget about it.

And yet, somehow, with the passing of time and the closeness that comes with weathering the storms of life together, I don't feel like he has to do something special on Valentine's Day to show his love for me anymore. Maybe it's about understanding his heart. Maybe it's about forgetting myself. Maybe it's about getting more mellow with age (even though it seems I am less mellow in a lot of other areas...) Maybe it's called maturity.

Anyway, it's nice, whatever it is.

It's nice to grow older with someone and know them so well that you know what is in their heart. It's nice to give them the benefit of the doubt and not waste a bunch of time pouting or angry. It's nice to just feel happy on Valentine's Day because I was able to do something for my family to show them I love them.

Well, and I could write an entire post about how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. (But I already told him that in my note.)

Yep, it's nice growing older.

It's a new holiday

2011-02-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about the new holiday? It's March 9--Get Over It Day. The best thing is, you celebrate it year-round.

I love this concept. "Get over it!"

For some reason, probably that I am now in my 40s and experiencing those nasty peri-menopausal hormones, I have gotten obsessive about things that I used to take in stride. Like when I recently signed Katie and Jacob up for the ACT before waiting to get their track season schedule. Once I received the schedule, I realized I signed them up for the same day as their biggest home track meet of the season. I should have waited.

I talked to Katie about it. I talked to Rich about it. I talked to Jacob about it. They each said, "Oh well."

I looked it up to see if we could change it. We can--for $20 each--$40 I am not willing to pay just to change the date of a test that I should have waited to sign up for until I got the track schedule.

It still bugs me.

It's at this point--the point where I cannot change the thing that is driving me crazy, the thing that I wish I could go back and do over, the thing that makes me cringe when I think of it--that I need to say to myself "Get over it!"

I did everything I can do. I made a mistake. The consequences aren't that bad. They are only Juniors. They will have another big home track meet next year. They need to take the ACT. They don't seem to really care that much. So get over it!

Issues like this seem to come up more and more these days (hormones). So I am trying to learn to say "Get over it!" sooner.

Like Friday night. I had signed up to bring 2 dozen homemade cinnamon rolls to the Young Women fundraiser. I had also signed up to bring a potato salad. We also had a lot of home schooling to do to finish the week. Daniel also had a basketball game.

So I was a little frazzled when I put the cinnamon rolls in the oven. I put two small pans on the top rack, and they cooked too quickly. They were done on top but not it the middle. I didn't realize it until I frosted them. Then I put them back in the oven, but I couldn't be sure they cooked all the way.

I still had the pan from the bottom rack. Those cooked perfectly, as usual. But that meant I could only bring 1 dozen cinnamon rolls. Can I tell you how much this was bugging me? I wanted to bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls. I had signed up to bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls. I always bring 2 dozen cinnamon rolls.

But I only had 1 dozen.

So I told myself, "Get over it!" They will survive with only 1 dozen. No one will notice. It will be fine. It will all work out.

I was still a little tense, but I am new at this.

And so I took only 1 dozen cinnamon rolls, and guess what? It was just fine.

There are lots of things in life about which a mother cannot say "Get over it!" The important things, like keeping the commandments and giving basic care to the family and accomplishing big things that matter to other people. But most things that don't go just right really won't matter in the long run. In fact, most things that go awry will either be a vague memory or a funny story later on.

Oh, why can't I remember that at the time?

So tonight I vow to say to myself "Get over it!" as quickly as possible when the details of something are really getting under my skin.

In fact, here are a few things that have been bugging me lately. I am going to tell myself "Get over it!" right now about these things.

So I am not the weight I want to be and very much not the weight I was when we got married. For 17 years, I have been bearing and raising children. I have the family that I always hoped for. But because I have that family, there hasn't been a lot of free time to exercise. And when there has been free time, there has also been illness and low iron and surgery. I eat healthy food and exercise. My current weight does not interfere with our life or with doing the things that I love. The day will come when I will be able to focus more on myself. So get over it!

So what if my husband does not pick up a room unless specifically asked? He does pick it up when I ask him. And he does a lot of other things that I don't ask, like balance the budget and pay the bills and unclog the toilet. And he never complains about how the house looks. He is 40 years old. He has lived half of his life. If he doesn't notice a messy room now, he probably never will, unless I point it out to him. So get over it!

And speaking of the house, it is more messy than I would like during the week. But we have a large family, and more than half of it is home all day long. We home school, which means I spend much of my time during the day teaching my children, which otherwise would be spent keeping things up. And the toddler spends much of her time undoing anything that I do manage to get done when my back is turned! I like home schooling. The day will come when there are no more children to teach, and no more toddlers, and it will be a lot easier to keep up with the housework. Plus, it will never matter how tidy our house was during the years that we raised our family. So get over it!

I could go on, really I could, but you get my point!

So celebrate with me and say "Get over it!" about something that has been bugging you today!

Done is better than perfect

2011-01-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

I learned this phrase at a meeting last week. We were discussing family home storage. Ward members had taken a survey about food storage, and we noticed that many people feel defeated by and can't make progress in storing food because they can't do it perfectly--don't know what to store, don't know where to store it, don't know what to do with it, etc. I actually see each of these concerns as valid obstacles, but our committee found that often, people don't do anything if they can't do it all perfectly. One committee member then taught us the phrase "Done is better than perfect."

I have been thinking about what that means ever since.

To me, it means that I can't get so caught up in the details of a task that I mentally shut down and don't do the task at all if I can't get the details just right.

Here is an example that I heard last Sunday. Sister Rosemary Wixom, LDS Primary General President, spoke at our Northern California Regional Conference Broadcast. She gave an example of a single mother who read the scriptures to her son every morning as he ate his breakfast. One day, he interrupted her to say that he wasn't listening to her, that he was reading the box of Wheaties. The mother responded that it didn't matter if he was listening; she was commanded by a prophet of God to read the scriptures and she wanted the blessings he promised. Sister Wixom said this mother received those promised blessings because she was obedient in reading the scriptures.

This was a perfect example to me of "Done is better than perfect." The mother could have been discouraged by her son's lack of interest. She could have beat herself up for not being more creative to get her son involved. She could have skipped the whole thing all together, figuring how much difference could reading to a boy who never listens make anyway. But she kept on reading, and she gained the blessings she was hoping for.

I also liked this example, especially one given by a General Authority of the Church, because it made me feel better about the scripture reading that happens in our family.

For example...Just tonight, when we read as a family, Jacob got to choose who would read first. We each read one scripture and rotate around the room until we have read two or three columns. Jacob chose by counting to see what would give Adam the shortest possible scripture to read. He did this because Adam likes to get the longest possible scripture to read. Then, when it happened to turn out that Adam got three very short scriptures in a row, Jacob rolled on the ground laughing. So much for feeling the Spirit as a family.(I used to fume when the Elders would do things like this on my mission, like choose the shortest song, that no one knew, just to be funny. Now I see it's typical teenage boy behavior.)

So now I can tell myself, when scripture reading goes like this, which is most of the time, "Done is better than perfect." We still get the blessings. (Sister Wixom said so.)

I am going to use this phrase to get through Family Home Evening, and fasting with complaining nine-year olds, and when I look at the job the kids do when they clean the house (although I will never tell them this--they don't need any encouragement to put forth less effort when it comes to cleaning!)

Actually, when I think deeply about this concept, I realize it applies to parenting in general. Sometimes, I wonder what on earth Heavenly Father was thinking by sending these children to such inexperienced, young parents. But we have just kept at it, doing our best, and having faith that it will all work out. And we have had faith that the Savior's Atonement will make up for our weaknesses, as real and as big as they seem to be.

But "done" is literally better than "perfect" in this case. Heavenly Father allows us to parent His children, knowing that we will make mistakes (again, evidence that making mistakes is part of the plan) and that we will learn the hard way most of the time. But He also knows that those mistakes will turn us, and will turn our children, to Him, over time. And He knows there is an infinite Atonement that will make up for all the mistakes, over time.

Truly, in this case, done is better than perfect.

Technical Foul!

2011-01-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

I decided this week that being a mom of teenage boys is a lot like being a basketball referee. And not just because we are forever breaking up fights.

I have learned more about referees since the beginning of the year. Our oldest three children are working as basketball referees for the local rec league. They had to participate in a 5 hour clinic to review basketball rules and to practice refereeing games. Now they referee each Saturday for 2-3 hours.

One important thing I have learned from them is that the referee is in charge of the court. No one can give the referee trouble because he or she is the final word. The referee can give warnings and then fouls as freely and as often as required to establish this.

One thing my children are learning is that parents and coaches don't always respect teenage referees like they should. They yell at them and accuse them of making bad calls. It's no fun to be yelled at by a coach for the whole game when you are supposed to be in charge and when you are the one who spent 5 hours going over basketball rules that the coach usually doesn't know, especially when you are a teenage girl who has P.M.S.

The other important thing I have learned about referees, both from my kids and from watching the refs at Daniel's high school basketball games, is that the best refs make the calls as they see them. They aren't always right because they can't always see what is going on as well as the people in the stands. But they make their calls and then stand by them. And they ignore the fans, players and coaches as much as possible. When they can't ignore them, they unemotionally give a technical foul. That shuts coaches and players up pretty fast.

So how is a mother like a referee?

Well, she certainly deserves respect that she sometimes does not get. And she sometimes makes bad calls because she can't always see everything from the same perspective as the spectators (oh, to be a spectator rather than the ref when one child is screaming "he's bugging me!"...)

Mother has to learn to make the call and stand by it. And when they won't stop arguing, unemotionally give a technical foul and walk away.

Unfortunately, the 'unemotional' part is the part that gets me every time. What I usually do is get caught up in arguing my point until I get so frustrated I want to scream (and sometimes I do scream).

So my goal this week is to be more like a good referee. I am going to make a call about who was bugging who and who needs to apologize or do a chore, or about who gets to drive the car, or about who's turn it is to choose the show on Netflix, and then I am going to stand by it. No questions asked. (I am the final word most of the time, after all.)

And if I have to give a technical foul (like another chore or punishment), I am going to do it calmly and unemotionally and walk away, just like those high school refs. Nothing seems to ruffle their feathers.

Of course, they don't have to live with the players...

Things that matter most

2011-01-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

Last week I was worrying. Our van was, again, making a loud noise that surely meant another very expensive repair. We had decided to buy a new-used van. We prayed about it together and separately, and we both got very clear, peaceful answers to go forward with buying a different van. Yet I was still worrying--I was worrying about having a car payment and about rising insurance payments, and I was worrying about giving up our current, beloved van and it's big 14" screen for watching DVDs on long trips.

I read these scripture from the Doctrine & Covenants on one of the days that I had woken up early and had been unable to go back to sleep due to my worrying. This revelation was given as the Saints were being forced to leave Kirtland, Ohio and sell or leave their properties, causing them to experience financial losses.

Section 117:4-8 "For what is property unto me? saith the Lord...For have I not made the fowls of the heaven, and also the fish of the sea, and the beasts of the mountains? Have I not made the earth? Do I not hold the destinies of all the armies of the nations of the earth?... Is there not room enough on the mountains of Adam-ondi-Ahman and on the plains of Olaha Shinehah, or the land where Adam dwelt, that you should covet that which is but the drop, and neglect the weightier matters?"

I love gaining my perspective from the Lord. Suddenly I realized that I was focusing wholly on the drop, worrying about money and things, and neglecting the weightier matters. I was also not trusting that the Lord would provide and that He truly knows best. This helped snap me out of my worrying and back into trusting His judgement and revelation.

Since I read those verses, I have pondered and discussed with my family what falls in the category of the drop and what are the weightier matters. I believe that there is a broad, simple answer to this--eternal, spiritual things are the weighty matters, and temporal, worldly things are the drop.

But I think there are specific, daily choices between this and that which can be separated into these two categories. And I think these are individual to each of us and require personal revelation to figure out what belongs where.

For instance, last week it occurred to me that spending time on-line finding a stick family sticker to replace the one on our old van, which became a very time-consuming endeavor, was really drop since it kept me from keeping my daily goal of doing 30 minutes of family history work. Also, I noticed that talking on the phone or spending time of the computer--drop--can keep me from stopping to really listen to my 5-year-old or reading books to he and Anna when they ask--much weightier matters.

I love being reminded about what matters most. Rich and I are now together looking at things a little differently.

Today, for instance, I texted him to ask if cleaning the garage and taking down the Christmas lights was considered drop or if I could say it was a weighty matter and have us tackle it for family night.

He responded: In December, it's drop. In mid-January, it's in the middle. By February, it becomes a very weighty matter. : )

We cleaned the garage.

Learning more about mercy

2011-01-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday was a busy day. We had the typical Saturday cleaning. Then our oldest three had three different shifts to referee basketball games. Then Jeffrey had a birthday party for his twin friends from 6-8 pm. He had been counting down the days since he received the invitation. Also, it was Stake Temple Day. Katie was signed up to do baptisms for the dead in the afternoon, and Rich and I were scheduled to attend an endowment session at 6:30. Oh, and there was a Stake Dance that night from 8:30-11 pm.

By 5:55 pm, everyone was fed, Jeffrey was ready for the party with two wrapped gifts, the house was relatively clean, instructions had been given for the care of the little children, Rich and I were dressed, and we were ready to head out the door. Then I realized that I couldn't find my wallet. I frantically looked all over the house.

Katie offered to drive Jeffrey to his party, so they left and I had a prayer and kept looking. At 6:10, I told Rich I couldn't go with him to the temple since I didn't have my temple recommend.

At 6:15, Rich found my wallet in the van. We left for the temple at 6:16. I felt like it was a tender mercy that Rich found my wallet, and I wanted to relax and believe that we were going to make it to the temple on time, but the cars in front of us were traveling unusually slow and I was tense.

We pulled into the temple parking lot at 6:22. We hurried in, hoping we wouldn't make the whole room full of people wait for us. Our Stake President and his wife greeted us at the door. They seemed calm. The brethren checking our recommends were friendly. They seemed calm. Then, a nice sister greeted us as we separated to hurry to our individual locker rooms. She said something like, "No need to worry. You are just fine."

I knew we were going to make it into the session, hopefully without embarrassing ourselves too much, through what felt like a series of tender mercies

As I found my seat in the endowment room, I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't even the last woman in there. In fact, another five or six people came in before they started the session.

As I sat there, I thought through our day. Although it had been a busy day, I had spent 30 minutes looking something up on the computer that could have waited. That contributed to our tardiness. I felt humbled by the mercy Heavenly Father showed me, despite my weaknesses, to help us get to the temple on time.

Mercy. This seems to be one of the reigning qualities of our Father in Heaven. My prayers are answered even when I am not perfect in my efforts. I am forgiven every time I ask. I usually only feel love, not chastisement or heavenly scolding. When I make mistakes, which I do daily, He helps me to right the wrongs.

Heavenly Father provided a Savior so that we could make mistakes and repent and still return to live with Him again. It seems as if making mistakes is actually a part of the 'plan.'

Sitting there, I pondered how often I show mercy as a parent, especially when I consider that making mistakes is maybe part of the plan.

Am I patient as my children make the same mistakes over and over? Am I kind enough when they say they are sorry and express a desire to do better? Do I gently offer mercy when they don't live up to my, or their own, expectations?

Right then, I made a promise to be more merciful in the future. Then I prayed for help to feel more inclined to show mercy when that promise is tested.

It was tested right as we walked in the door.

The older three children had left for the dance before we got home. They had left without doing any of their dinner chores. They would be home too late to do the chores before bed. The chores had to be done because we had church the next morning and needed to have some dishes for breakfast.

Upon further investigation, we found that the boys had sat around watching a favorite tv show until it was time to get ready for the dance.

My first reaction was frustration and anger. Those kids! I wanted to get angry at everyone, and then make the teenagers feel the consequences by waking them up early to do their chores in the morning before church.

But then I remembered, I know with a gentle nudge from the Holy Ghost, my promise to show mercy. Funny how my first reaction is always anger at their imperfections.

I was reminded how hard they work all week long and how busy they all are. I was reminded how nice it feels to have the night off and to get a break from work. I was also reminded how it was their first day of referee work and that they were probably extra tired from that.

Instead of fuming and storming about the house, doing their chores, Rich and I came up with a plan to reward the little children to do the undone chores. It worked!

I felt happy, and I was able to be kind to the three teenagers when they got home later.

I am going to try harder to show my family and myself mercy. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. There is a time and a place for consequences, and there is a time and a place for mercy. Thankfully the Holy Ghost is available for guidance as we walk this fine line.

But I think I will try to err on the side of mercy more because that is the way my Father in Heaven treats me.

Parenting Wisdom from the Stake President's wife

2011-01-09T22:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight we went to the Stake Standards Night with our teenagers. Parents were invited, too. We considered sending only one parent, but I'm so glad we both went.

What I expected was a talk on how important it is to keep the standards the Lord has outlined in the For The Strength of The Youth pamphlet. That is what our Stake President spoke about. However, his wife also spoke. She discussed the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives and how to recognize them. She showed a slideshow of pictures of her husband as a boy and of some times in her life when she has felt the tender mercies of the Lord.

Her talk was full of uplifting examples of how personal the Lord is and how often He sends tender mercies to show His love for us.

I went up to Sister Harrison after the meeting to talk with her. She is in our ward, and in fact, is Anna's sunbeam teacher. Anna sat on her lap in sharing time today. : )

In the course of our conversation, I told Sister Harrison that I am having a hard time being patient with our teenage boys, not because they are doing anything wrong so much as that they are hard to live with. They get so angry and crabby a lot of the time, and they bug and tease younger siblings and generally require a lot more patience than our teenage daughter (which is the opposite of what I expected at this stage of life.)

She gave me advice that I know I will always remember and rely on as I raise teenagers, and children, from now on. She said that, because our boys are comfortable at home and know they can trust us, they can release all their negative feelings around us, knowing that we will continue to love them. She said they deal with a lot outside the home and have to be 'good' while they are away. Home is the place where they know they can release all that stress and negative emotion and that we will still love them. Eventually they will learn to find a different release, but for now, they feel safe and comfortable doing it at home with us.

Wow! That was sure a paradigm shift for me.

I love the Gospel and am so grateful for excellent friends, and for timely meetings like Standards Night. I got at least as much as the teenagers out of it.

Potty Training Power Struggle

2011-01-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I am going to write this whole blog post about what is apparently a subject that is unmentionable in a public setting like this. But it's my blog, so I guess if a public discussion of potty training offends you, or bores you, stop reading now.

I am in the middle of a power struggle. It's a power struggle that I have pretty much avoided for nearly 17 years. And it's not my fault. (I don't think it is, anyway.)

Anna is attempting to potty train. Well, attempting if you mean wearing underwear and changing her clothes a lot. But if you mean actually going potty on the toilet, then she's hit and miss with the whole thing. Now that I think about it, maybe she's just making a fashion statement.

I am the mother of seven successfully potty-trained children (well, unless you count Jeffrey, who still struggles with accidents, but he is only 5 and he does have a bladder that gets about twice as big as it should and apparently doesn't feel that painful urge to go that the rest of us have. So I don't think that counts.)

My usual potty training approach is to wait until they beg me to wear underwear for a while. Then we only attempt it if they have some immediate success. Or we bribe them. One of those two approaches has worked every time all these years.

But Anna keeps changing her mind. She begs me to wear underwear, but when it comes time to actually go potty, she refuses to go and begs to have her diaper back about half the time at least. But it goes against my motherly instinct to have a daughter tell me she's going pee while she's wearing a diaper. Or, at the very least, it goes again my penny-pincher instincts.

To illustrate the struggle we are having, let me describe a situation that happened at a basketball game the other day. For some crazy reason, we let Anna wear underpants in public. (So basically we were asking for trouble.) Rich assured me that she had gone potty just before we left, and the game was only an hour or so, so I figured we were okay. But then Anna announced that she had to go potty during half-time.

My first mistake was letting her go into the stall alone. My second mistake was letting her go into the handicapped stall. She immediately locked the door. I told her to go potty on her own while I went in the stall next door. She proceeded to dance about the big open space while singing to herself.

After I had washed and dried my hands, she was still dancing around. I peeked under the door to encourage her to please go potty. She shouted "Don't look!" Just then, two women entered the bathroom. Anna was still shouting "Don't look! Don't look!" at the top of her lungs. One of the women gave me a shocked look.

"She wants her privacy," I told the woman sheepishly.

By the time both women finished washing and drying their hands, Anna was still dancing about and I was done waiting. I jimmied the lock, marched in and forced her to sit on the potty for about half a second until she announced, "I'm done." Grrrrrr......

I gave her a lecture as we washed her hands and went back in to the game, having missed half of the 3rd quarter.

I keep threatening to take away potty training rights. I keep threatening to keep her in diapers until she proves she is serious.

Of course, we have tried bribery--I have a whole pack of bubble gum stashed away and we have offered every prize we can think of--but that also only works when she's in the mood, and never long enough to actually earn the prize.

Yep, she's a tough one.

Over the years, the advice I would give a mother like me is to 'Wait until she is ready' and 'You can't rush these things.' But I'm not buying it now that I am the one that needs the advice. We are talking about being done with diapers! I can see the finish line. Can't we just sprint to the finish?!

No, you can't. Not when you're dealing with a stubborn 3-year-old.

Dealing with Anxiety

2011-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. (Inspiring read, but I have to note that there is a decent amount of swearing that began to bother me.) It is written by a woman who has MS and has dealt with a lifetime of chemical addiction. She learns to deal with her illness by giving something to someone for 29 consecutive days. One specific thing she wrote taught me an important lesson. She said, "For me, anxiety always stems from fear, so I ask myself what I am afraid of."

I struggle with anxiety in daily living a lot. It feels like it has gotten worse over time. I think it's because our life moves so quickly, so I feel anxiety about all the demands and my inability to meet them all. I learned several years ago that anger is often a secondary emotion that comes from fear, the primary emotion. So it makes sense that anxiety would sometimes come from fear as well. It's amazing how much easier it is to deal with anxiety when you recognize it as a fear about something specific.

For example, the other day, we were leaving our house to take Daniel to the third basketball game in three days. I was reluctant to leave because I really don't like to be away from our home day after day like that. But I didn't want to miss Daniel play in the last game of the tournament. The tournament was held in Carmichael, which is about 20 minutes from our house. I was feeling very anxious as we left because we were leaving Anna home with the rest of the family while we went to the game. The other two days we had taken Anna with us.

I decided that my anxiety was stemming from fear. So I spent the drive in the car thinking through what I was afraid of. I realized that I was afraid that Anna wouldn't be safe while we were gone. I thought through that fear, mentally disputing it. We left her snuggled in our bed, watching cartoons. We left her with Katie and Jacob watching her. Katie was downstairs cleaning, but Jacob was sitting at the table in the kitchen, doing a project, just a few feet away from her. She is old enough now not to put things in her mouth, and our home is child-proofed, so she was safe from harm if someone wasn't paying attention to her every second.

I also realized that I was feeling badly that she would be watching cartoons all afternoon as well as when we went to the temple later that night. Sure, it wasn't the best thing for her to watch tv for that long, but since it's not our regular routine, it would be okay for one day.

I was able to analyze my feelings and figure out all the things that were making me anxious, and then I was able to let go of the anxiety, realizing everything would be fine at home and that I had no reason to fear.

This one skill is invaluable to my peace of mind! I am so glad I read 29 Gifts, just for this little coping strategy alone. I do a lot of feeling anxious and I have a hard time relaxing. Maybe it's hormones; maybe it's age; maybe it's just motherhood. I am so grateful to learn a way to deal with it rather than just suffering through it.

Lessons Learned

2010-12-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately about abandoning this blog and only writing on our family blog. Except there are some things that I want to write about that aren't really about our family. Like the past few months.

The past few months have been difficult. At the beginning of October, I found out that I was pregnant. Right away, I got very sick. I started having terrible headaches and nausea. I had to go in my room and get rid of all stimulus--turn out the lights, shut the door, put on headphones with quiet music--just to feel like I could survive. It was so bad that I told Rich at the very beginning of December, "If I have a miscarriage, we are done, because I can't do this again."

On December 6, I started spotting. A visit to the doctor confirmed that I had a miscarriage. I had a D&C on December 7. That same week, Beth was baptized. Also, I had not done any of our Christmas shopping, so I had a ton of work ahead of me. I am thankful for helpful friends and an amazing visiting teacher who came to our family's rescue and provided meals and did almost all of the immediate errand running for the baptism. After the baptism, I began the exhausting job of doing all the Christmas shopping. Even with on-line shopping, I still had to do a bunch of shopping at Walmart and Target. In addition, Daniel had a basketball tournament and multiple basketball games. Thankfully, again, my visiting teacher helped me sit and wrap all our presents one night. What would we do without great friends and family for support?

During the month of December, my very favorite month of the whole year, I cried almost every day and felt on the verge of tears all the time. I got mad about things I normally let slide, and I snapped at people a lot. Part of my sadness came from disappointment at ending a pregnancy that took so long to begin. Part of me wondered if this was that final member of our family. If you have a miscarriage, has that baby received his or her physical body? (My kids said that would be pretty lame to only get 12 weeks in utero as a life experience.) I wondered if this was a sign that I was too old to have another baby.

By the few days leading up to Christmas, I had started spotting again and was feeling anxious and exhausted. I kept wondering how long it would take for my hormones to at least settle down a bit and for me to heal and feel better.

On Christmas Day, I took a 3 hour nap. The holiday sprint was finally over. Then I took a 3 hour nap the day after that. I have slept in every day this week, and I have laid around reading or watching old movies. I noticed the most amazing thing today. I haven't cried once this week. I have felt cheerful and peaceful. I am also feeling energetic and motivated. Maybe my tears and anxiety were due to hormones, or maybe grieving, but the were definitely due to fatigue.

Anyway, it feels so good to feel better! I feel so cheerful about the start of a new year. And I have learned some important lessons (that hopefully I will remember) from my recent experience:

1. It takes time physically to heal. I'm not sure what I could have done differently, but I obviously didn't give myself enough time to heal. Maybe not everyone needs as much time, but my body heals very slowly, and I have learned that I can allow myself time to sleep in, read and rest without feeling guilty.

2. I learned that people grow in love for us and are blessed when we allow them to serve us. I have been able to do a favor for my visiting teacher since she helped me so much, but mostly I have just been grateful to her and told her how much I appreciate her over and over. Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to serve us and bless us, and I am so grateful for that.

3. I feel peaceful about the future. I don't know what will happen, but this miscarriage has increased my ability to enjoy my family right now without spending lots of time and energy wondering about the future.

4. I feel so grateful for my family. I have taken for granted the ability to get pregnant easily, to carry a baby full-term, and to deliver eight healthy babies. I don't think I will take that for granted anymore. Not being able to get pregnant, as well as having this miscarriage, has made me understand that it is a privilege to have a baby, not a right.

5. Even though I suffered with morning sickness for two months for nothing, and even though I declared we were done and that I couldn't do this again, I still want another baby. And so do our children. And so does Rich, although I don't think he would take it as hard as I would if we can't. I am willing to leave it to the Lord, though. Once my body is healthy again, we'll just leave it up to Him and see what happens. My sister had 8 and my grandma had 8. Maybe 8 is our number. Or maybe not.

2010-08-21T09:35:00.001-07:00

Today is all I have. I want my kids to know that I love them. I want to smile at them as many times as I can today.

--Michelle Duggar

Teenage drivers...who knew?

2010-08-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

I have had people ask me for years if I was looking forward to having a driver. I would always enthusiastically respond yes, but it was a far-off dream. Now it is a reality, and I love it!

There are lots of reason why I love having extra drivers in the family. Of course, there are the obvious benefits, like having Jacob and Katie drive themselves (and Daniel) to seminary and school every day. They run to the store for me when I am out of something and need it right then for the dinner I am in the middle of making. They went out and bought their own school supplies this year. They even did a lot of their own clothes shopping. They drive themselves up to the church for 8:20 am youth choir practice!

All this self-driving saves me tons of time. But there is one benefit that I never expected--I am no longer the only person capable of returning library books!

For years, we have been debtors to the library as I would lose books, miss emails, or simply put off returning books. We have always had to rotate which card we used to check out books based on the one that had the least fines. Not anymore! Now I have drivers who run books back to the library for me the day they are due. Or even before they are due. It's heavenly!

But it gets better. Katie volunteered at the library this summer, so she got our library reading logs for us, picked up extra logs when we lost the first ones she brought us, checked out the next book in a series someone was reading, brought home stacks of easy readers for the little kids, and then returned everything the next time she went. Beautiful!

Now that school is back in session, she is no longer volunteering at the library. But, her soccer practice is right around the corner from the library. Alright!

So now we use the library again. One more reason to love that handy teenage license!

Awkward moments in parenting

2010-08-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

Pretty much everyone in our family knows that we are "trying" to have another baby. To be honest, that word "trying" makes me uncomfortable, partly because the implications are a little embarrassing and partly because it causes people to make untrue assumptions. What "trying" means around our house is that we are not using birth control. Unfortunately, our entire life style--having eight children--is a very effective form of birth control. My guess is that people who aren't "trying" are more likely than we are to have a baby in the near future, especially now that we are back to school and fall sports.

Recently, one of my male family members (who shall remain nameless so that I can defend myself against the claim that I tell everyone everything) asked me if a woman ovulates when she is having her period. I spent a little time explaining about the menstrual cycle and how ovulation usually falls 14 days after the beginning of a woman's period.

Then he asked, "When you are ovulating, do you guys try every day to get pregnant?"

Uh. . .

So how would you answer that question?

I'll bet many parents, and probably all dads, would respond with "That's none of your darn business!"

That was my knee jerk reaction, to be honest. But I have a couple of good friends involved in family counseling. They have each explained to me that older children need to understand how the intimate marital relationship is something to look forward to, not be embarrassed about, and that, as they show self-control, they will be able to enjoy all these things later, all with no guilt, if they keep the commandments now.

I saw this as a potential teaching moment. An awkward teaching moment, but a powerful one.

So I was honest. I responded with a big smile, "Well, we don't 'try' every day because we have eight children and and can't seem to get any privacy." Then I explained that most people with smaller families would try every day during that time of the month but that we can still get pregnant because sperm hang around for 3-5 days after intercourse. Which means it really only takes one attempt. Then we talked about the difference between male and female sperm, etc, etc, etc, finally leaving the very personal topic of Rich and I.

Several other family members were in the room, so I took the opportunity to announce how great it is to be married and how they have a wonderful physical relationship to look forward to, made even better if they will show self-control now.

Through the whole exchange, I noticed Rich stayed noticeably absent, hiding out in the kitchen. He was probably thinking, "That's none of their darn business!"

Were these questions motivated by real curiosity, or by raging hormones? Was this just a chance to talk about sex? Probably all of the above. But at least this child felt comfortable enough to talk about it at home. I can guarantee they hear plenty of talk at the school, and it's not about how wonderful married life is!

2010-07-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

We took these pictures at Temple Square after our family reunion in July. I love them. For some reason, it really touches my heart to see the children as they look at the temple and the reflecting pond with their cousins.

As usual, the idealism portrayed in the pictures is far from what really happened. It looks so peaceful but it was crazy. We had 14 children with us that night. I kept thinking someone was going to fall in as they ran from one place to another and leaned in as far as they could to reach the money in the reflecting pond. In fact, we decided not to take a family picture. It felt like we were pushing our luck as it was.

Just like life. You get snap shot moments, just like the photo of the kids with the sun and the temple in the background, that remind you what you are doing this for and what the goal is. The rest of the time it's busy and crazy. It feels like we have had a lot of those happy, snap shot moments lately.

I love this picture, too, because the Evans' family minus Nancy (one of Rich's step-sisters) went with us to the temple. I love having them in the picture, too.

My big goal in life, the whole purpose of just about every thing I do every day is to get my children into the temple all together one day. The family reunion made me realize, more than ever, that I want not just my children, but the Evans children and the Snyder children and the Keables children and the Walker children (Idaho and California) and the Arellano children and on and on to be there, too.

I guess it's just really being part of the Father's work, 'to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life' of our family. And everyone's family.

Spiritual Food

2010-07-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

Katie and I attended Girls' Camp together this summer. I went as a counselor group leader and Katie went as my YCL (Youth Camp Leader). Together with another YCL, we were over eight 2nd year campers. This was my first experience at Girls' Camp as a member of the church.

The YCLs had their own tent, but I was stayed with the eight girls in a tiny cabin. We slept together, ate together, hiked together, and attended all the activities, other than free time, together. Because of this, all my regular personal habits, like kneeling prayer and scripture reading, didn't happen.

I loved being a counselor, but one challenging thing was the lack of sleep. It took until nearly midnight every night to get everyone settled and in bed before I could finally fall asleep. Then, one of the girls was determined to get a hot shower every morning, which meant she and her friends next to us were up at 5:30 am every morning.

I need more sleep than that or I start to get really crabby.

Then, on Thursday morning, one of the girls thought it was funny to pretend she was talking in her sleep. She pretended that she was swimming with Justin Bieber and that he was drowing. She would scream, "Justin! Justin! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" in a high-pitched voice, over and over again. The other girls believed her and kept trying to wake her up. She would pause for a minute, and then she would start all over again. She did this from 6 to 6:30 am. All I wanted to do was sleep. The camp alarm wouldn't go off until 7 am, and I was desperate for just another few minutes, but I never could go back to sleep.

I was very crabby that morning. I was wondering how I would talk to her about this so it didn't happen again. I was not feeling like using my nice, kind leader voice.

After breakfast, we had what they call Sacred Grove time. We had to find a place as a group, and we had 45 minutes to read our scriptures and write in our journals.

The camp we attend is built on a mountain, and the lodge overlooks the lake below. You can see the view in the picture above.

We settled ourselves on a rock behind the lodge, with the trees and rocks around us, and a clear view of the lake below. A Stake leader had challenged us to read three specific sections of the D&C, so in this gorgeous setting, I settled in to read for 30 completely uninterrupted minutes.

It was as if I had been hungry and sat down to a great, big dinner. I felt spiritually fed. I felt my heart soften, and my mind fill with love for our Father in Heaven and His Son, and for my camp girls. Suddenly, I remembered how the Savior wants us to treat one another and I felt like being kind and patient with the girls, even though I was tired.

That 30 minutes kept me going for the rest of the week.

I was reminded by this experience that my spirit needs to be fed just as badly my body needs to be fed.

This is supposed to make you laugh, not post comments about what good parents we are (although we aren't necessarily turning those down)

2010-06-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Last Friday night, Rich and I went to the temple together. I happened to sit next to a pregnant woman. I discovered after the session in the changing room that she is expecting her 8th baby. We visited for a few minutes, sharing thoughts and ideas about our families. Her name is Aurelia.

Aurelia asked me how I handle all the laundry. She expressed, "I don't have the laundry handled yet. I don't have a system that works. The toys? Those I have handled. But not the laundry."

As I left the changing room, I thought to myself that we don't have much "handled." But then I realized that this was pessimistic thinking. We have all kinds of things handled.

Rich and I made a short list:

We have putting our kids to bed too late handled.

We have looking past the over-flowing laundry baskets handled.

We have saying sorry over and over again handled.

We have feeling overwhelmed handled.

We have ignoring the mess handled (well, maybe not handled, but we are pretty darn good at it.)

We have collapsing on the bed in exhaustion handled (which might explain the mess...)

Yep, we have a lot of things handled. I hope the other stuff that we don't have handled doesn't matter too much. ; )

Jacob and Katie turned 16 and the laundry piled up

2010-06-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

16 years ago, when we had our newborn baby twins on May 17, three days before my birthday, I was just glad I was able to finish my college classes and get through graduation before they were born. It never occured to me what having two birthdays at the end of May would mean later on. It's not as bad as having two birthday in December, but it is pretty bad.

In the month of May, we attended one track trials, two track finals, two orchestra concerts, three awards banquets, and three graduation/promotion ceremonies. We had my mother-in-law visit, celebrated the twins birthday on two different nights, and held a 16th birthday party on a third, separate night. We also searched for and purchased a used car (after we found out the cost of insurance if we put one of the twins on Rich's car).

I personally went to the DMV three times in one week. In person. For things you cannot do on-line. And I'm not done. I get to go back to the DMV one more time next week. None of these were to transfer the title on the new car.

All of these activities involved our oldest three children who are attending public school. (This is why I always say that home schooling is easier.)

Of course, normal life also went on. During the month of May, we had multiple birthday parties to attend and gifts to buy, and we were invited to three different baby showers. And I had to go grocery shopping and birthday shopping (and baby shower shopping). I was also supposed to be doing laundry, but something had to give. Beth was attending a weekly soccer clinic and Daniel was also playing two sports with its different games/meets, something he will continue to do all summer. (We are against this as a rule in our family but for Daniel--Mr. Energy--we make an exception...)

We also attempted to celebrate my birthday. That didn't go so well in the immediate family, but extended family, friends and Facebook birthday greetings came to the rescue!

Oh, and I need to mention that we all had the stomach flu over the course of the first two weeks of May. All ten of us.

Now my point in writing all this is not to have a pity party. I love our big family, and really busy times come with the territory. However, writing it down justifies to myself why I have about 20 loads of laundry to do and why I cried for an hour after I got home from Stake Conference, telling Rich "I just can't do anything else!" And it explains why all I wanted to do on Memorial Day was sleep.

It also explains why I have about ten different things to post on this blog.

So if you are going to have twins, I wouldn't have them in May or June (or December) if you can help it. Either that, or just get used to wearing some of your clothes for a few days in a row! ; )

Thoughts on throw-up

2010-05-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that parenthood is filled with lessons on not controlling things? From when you get pregnant to what you can stand eating when you are pregnant to the sex of the baby (and you didn't even get to know that before the baby was born until about 20 years ago) to when you have the baby to when they do just about everything they do. It's all mostly out of our control most of the time for a long time.

One great, messy example of this is the stomach flu. When a child gets a cold, or even a virus with a fever, often you can just give him some juice and settle him on his bed to read some books or watch a movie. You can just check in here or there to see what you can do to help. Life often goes peacefully along it's way--maybe even more peacefully with one active body out of commission.

But not with the stomach flu. When the stomach flu hits, you drop everything to take care of it, ready or not. It can hit anywhere, anytime, and you can't anticipate how long it will take over your life. It will determine what you do with your time for as long as it hangs around--sitting next to a child with a bowl, washing endless loads of laundry immediately to get rid of the smell, trying to get a child to take tiny sips of clear liquid (never red, anything but red).

Over the years, we have had the stomach flu show up in the middle of the day but mostly in the middle of the night (why is that?), after a trip to the emergency room, while on vacation, while driving home from vacation--twice, with freshly cleaned carpet, with freshly washed sheets, while on a field trip, in the nursery at church, and even once in Sacrament meeting.

For example, for 48 hours last month, Jeffrey was battling the stomach flu. One Monday night, he fell asleep during family home evening. Rich layed him on our bed (big mistake), where Anna had also fallen asleep. Suddenly, Anna woke up soaking wet. Jeffrey had thrown up all over himself, all over Anna, and all over our bed. We immediately stopped what we were doing to deal with the mess and give two children a bath.

Two days later, as he was getting out after taking Beth to soccer practice, he threw up all over the inside front of the van. (He later assured me that he stayed in the van to throw up because he didn't want to get out and ruin the grass. Thanks, Jeffrey.) Again, we dropped what we were doing to immediately clean up the mess.

You either bow down to vomit and clean it up right away, or you pay a pretty serious consequence for a long time after.

Why are there so many life lessons in parenthood that force us to accept giving up control? I don't know. I am thinking it must be heavenly psychotherapy, preparing us for the day that we have a teenager on our hands who will not let us be in control anymore.

You know, that's not a bad theory. Throw-up, and overdue pregnancies, and teething babies, and that baby boy that the ultrasound tech assured you was most definitely a girl, and boys in general, are all here to prepare us to give up control when it matters most, when the teenagers need to grow up and learn to do some things on their own and make some important choices.

Whatever the reason, we sure get a lot of practice.

Post-conference Review

2010-05-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

Well, it was just as good as ever. Women's Conference never fails to help me see things more clearly and feel more able to care for our family. This picture of Rich's sister Jen, my roomie, and I was taken after the conference. See how happy and refreshed we look? (What you can't see as clearly are our bleary eyes caused by staying up until at least 1 am every night--all part of the fun!)

Here is the link to the post-conference information, including re-broadcast information and transcripts of selected talks. I would highly recommend Julie B. Beck's talk which is not being re-broadcast. You can only get the transcript. It is excellent. It's not on the website yet but will be in the next week or two.

I thought I would try to record some things that touched me but haven't had the time. So instead, I added some quotes that I love to the sidebar under Favorite Motherhood Quotes. Enjoy!

Top Ten Reasons I Love BYU Women's Conference

2010-04-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

This week, I am going to BYU Women's Conference with Rich's sisters, and I can't wait! Here are the top ten reasons why I love Women's Conference:

10. Other people cook all the food.
9. You get to spend all your time with family and friends that you usually never see. (And everyone wears name badges, so when your visiting teaching companion from your freshman ward happens to be there, you remember her name!)
8. You get to attend spiritually uplifting classes and see members of the General Auxilliary Boards, and hear an Apostle speak, all with no children around. In fact, children are not allowed, so you don't even have to feel guilty for leaving them at home.
7. BYU isn't exactly close, which means you get to either drive or fly there, visiting with friends or reading or just relaxing, all without any children around!
6. Did I mention that there is no kitchen so you actually can't do any cooking and must buy all food out? BYU and the surrounding community have a lot of yummy food options.
5. You get to go to the BYU Bookstore. (If I have to explain this, then you mustn't love bookstores, especially the BYU Bookstore, like I do.)
4. You get to attend the Shadow Mountain Music Sampler night in the Marriott Center, which is like going to a free LDS music concert. Also, you can participate in the service night. I never have, but this might be the year! Really, you can do as much, or as little, as you want. (And you guessed it, no children!)
3. You stay up late and talk and laugh and eat snacks and get almost no sleep but have so much fun with people you love who live too far away. (And you can't make the snacks but must purchase them--no cooking allowed!)
2. You get to be back at BYU with its memories and beautiful campus. Everything at BYU is fun. And this only lasts two days. Anyone can get away for two days.
1. You come home motivated and refreshed (and tired). And you feel ready to cook and you love being back with your children again.

So you can see how much fun it is. And you can see why I am so excited. You can still sign up. Here's the link.

Theory vs. Reality

2010-04-22T20:08:00.001-07:00

So here is the reality of having children do the laundry for a week.

These are the piles of clean clothes. They are supposed to be neat piles that children can carry back to their rooms.

I am so thankful to be feeling good enough to take it over again!

No Pain, No Gain

2010-04-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

This morning, Beth, our seven-year old daughter, asked if she could do her own laundry. A friend came by yesterday to let me rest on the couch while she fed our family lunch and helped get the laundry sorted. I can't lift the laundry basket (and I'm supposed to be taking it easy, remember?) She had the children help her sort. While they were in the laundry room, my friend taught the kids how to run the washer.

I love my washer and dryer. They are a set of those huge front loaders that I got a couple of years ago when our smaller set started putting rust stains on the laundry. I have loved doing laundry ever since, and so I do the laundry for everyone but the teenagers. It never occured to me to teach the 7,8 and 11-year olds to do their own laundry.

Well, last night Josh asked for a laundry basket of his own so he can do his own laundry, and then, this morning, Beth went down and did a load of her own clothes. Amazing!

As I explained in my previous post, I have been ordered to "take it easy" by the doctor--and everyone I know seems to agree except my own family members, who I think at this point are wondering when on earth things are going to get back to normal around here?! Since I have been laying around trying to rest more, I had some time to ponder this strange, but appreciated, request of my children to do laundry, and I realized there is a very practical explanation. It's not because they are concerned about me doing too much or because they have some magnanimous impulse to help more. It's because there is a huge, overflowing basket of dirty clothes in their room, and a bunch more clothes all over their floor that don't fit in the basket. And their favorite clothing items are in that big pile. And they want to wear them. And they are tired of waiting on Mom. So they figure the fastest way to get those clothing items clean is to do the laundry themselves.

It's interesting because it seems to me that, as hard as it is to be unwell, whenever over the years I have been unable to do the work I normally do, like keeping up with the laundry, because I am newly pregnant or just had a baby or have something like this cyst which throws me for a loop physically, my family is forced to pick up the slack. Maybe it's good for Mom to have some things that take her out of the picture now and then.

Now, I'm not saying it's easy. You are supposed to be "taking it easy" and you happen to wander around the house and see all the work left undone. That's enough to make anyone go back to bed. (And it makes you really hope that the nice Relief Society ladies bringing dinner drop it off at the door.) But when Mom is out of the picture, the family eventually gets a little uncomfortable. All those things that are usually just done are not getting done. So they decide to do them, sometimes to be helpful, but more often than not out of self-preservation.

Now I'll admit this is a very, very slow process. And a child's effort is often still a child's effort, which means you have to overlook some of the things they don't do the right way when they try to help. But I love the idea that something so long-term as children learning life skills that they will keep forever comes in the midst of what is really a short-term trial. Because I can't do it, they suddenly have the motivation to do it themselves, and they learn some pretty important things in the process.

This process has been especially painful to me when I have been newly pregnant and am thoroughly sick and exhausted, with no energy or desire to do anything. The house falls apart, and I feel terribly discouraged. But eventually, slowly, everyone helps more. Amazing, afterwards, my fatigue and sickness go away but they get to keep what they gained. They are a little more capable and a little more knowledgeable about how to do some important things like cook, clean and care for themselves.

Often, it 's hard in the swirling of life to slow down and teach. But when life forces you to slow down, then you sometimes have no other choice but to teach (or to have a good friend teach.) In this way, I have taught children to cook while sitting at the table with my head laying on my arms. In this way, I also have taught children to change diapers and do dishes and how to do a good job picking up a room. I have even taught a child to mow the lawn while resting in a lawn chair watching nearby. And apparently, in this way, I am now teaching children to do their own laundry.

That's what I mean by the title "No pain, no gain."

Just a thought.

Taking It Easy

2010-04-13T13:43:00.001-07:00

I have been out of commission because I had surgery last week. What looked to be two ovarian cysts turned out to be one very large, twisted cyst up near my fallopian tube. I didn't lose the ovary or the fallopian tube, and I came home the same day. Great news! It was a less complicated surgery than expected, and I figured I would be back to normal in no time. My doctor, on the other hand, warned me to "take it easy" for two weeks in order to have a good recovery. She emphasized this to me three different times.

Last week, it was no problem to take it easy. For the first two days, I felt so lousy that I was only pain-free when laying flat on my back in bed. Then, my mother-in-law came for the next few days. I could lay on my side and get up more and more, but if I ventured out of bed for too long, it caught up to me pretty quickly, and I would stumble back to my room. Over the weekend, Rich was home and I was able to lay around some more.

Today, I face the first day of my second week of "taking it easy." This morning I took a look at our schedule for the rest of the week. Here it is:

Tuesday
5:30 pick up twins from track
7 pm Book Club (optional but they are discussing Amazing Grace which I loved)
7:30 pm Joshua Boy Scout Board of Review
8 pm Daniel basketball tryouts. Rich has been asked to stay and help rank boys.

Wednesday
3:30 pm Jacob and Katie track meet
4 pm Daniel track meet
4 pm Beth soccer clinic
7 pm Relief Society Weekday meeting

Thursday
5 pm Scoutmaster Review for Josh (wrong order, I know--don't ask)
5:30 pm pick up Jacob and Katie from track
6 pm Daniel basketball game
7 pm Scouts/Youth night at the church which includes Rich, who is a Wolf Den Leader
7:15 pm Drive Daniel up to the church after his basketball game

Friday
4 pm YCL meeting for Katie
4 pm Deacon's Quorum campout drop-off for Josh and Daniel
5 pm pick up Jacob from track
5:30 pm Jacob Teacher's Quorum service project, tentative

Of course, I didn't list all the other daily items like homeschooling, doing laundry and dishes, and supervising children as they do their chores. And I forgot to mention that Rich just started a full-time project that keeps him away until 6 pm every night.

So here's my question. Does it count as taking it "easy" when you have to figure out how to get three children to two different locations on different sides of town at the same time? Is it taking it "easy" to have a son involved in two sports at once? How about if you didn't allow him to play two sports but you found out at the last minute that he is going to play off-season basketball and that the team did not miss registration, which is why you let him run track instead? Am I taking it easy if I have to skip the fun, relaxing things that would allow me to sit down and visit with friends, like book club and Relief Society, and instead spend my time driving children from one place to another? Is it considered taking it easy when I am at home taking care of little children by myself while Rich is off doing Scouts or helping with basketball? Yah, I don't think so either.

So I guess I am done "taking it easy." I'm not complaining. I am grateful for all the help we received, and I love our big, busy family. I just hope my doctor doesn't find out!

No longer in the driver's seat

2010-03-30T17:57:00.001-07:00

Katie and I went to Utah this weekend to attend the LDS Church Young Women General Broadcast in Salt Lake City. I thought this would be a great way for Katie to get some freeway driving time. She did most of the Nevada-driving, and she learned about how to handle a car in high winds. On the way there, she also took us into Salt Lake City, learning how to manage a busy freeway with road construction. She did a great job, and she actually drove more than I did.

Although I am looking forward to having two additional drivers at my disposal, it is actually nerve-wracking to teach a teenager to drive. You spend the first chunk of their lives as the driver. Then suddenly you find yourself on the passenger side of the car with no steering wheel and no brake pedal. You become the instructor, giving tips and encouragement, but you are really out of control of the decisions they make. All you can do is make suggestions about how to handle things, and then pray. You relax a little as they get better and time goes by. But then you tense up as they come up on heavy traffic or bad weather, anxious about how they will handle something new and unable to do anything about it except give a few tips and clench your hands. At one point, after Katie was tired of driving, I got back behind the wheel. It felt so good! I was back in control! But I couldn't stay there because this was her chance to learn. This was her chance to experience some hard driving situations with an adult around as a safety net. I knew someday soon she would be driving on her own, and she needed the practice. So I got back on the other side of the car.

It occurred to me some where along I-80 that teaching a teenager to drive is not unlike parenting a teenager. For so long, you make most of the decisions as the parent. Then suddenly, you climb into the passenger side--no steering wheel, no brake--and you become more of an observer rather than the driver of their lives. You can encourage and give tips. And you can pray. If you get mad when they make mistakes, it doesn't seem to help and maybe even seems to make things worse. But boy is it hard not to do! They are the drivers now. And you tense up as you see them face something new, worried about how they will handle it. But you have to let them make some decisions and handle some things on their own. This is their chance to face some hard life situations with the safety net of parents around in case they need help. Someday soon they will be on their own, and they need the practice. So you try to stay on the other side of the car.

Maybe all this is why so many parents warn about the teenage years. The problem is that, although you can't control the car, you know how dangerous driving is. You don't want them to get hurt. It's so hard to give up control and to trust them. And your life is at risk, too!

What matters most

2010-03-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Rich's sister, Jen, told me about an interview she saw with Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar of TLC's show 19 and Counting. Jen wrote, "They were answering FAQs. One was from a mother of 8 who said-I struggle to keep my house picked up. Your house is always so clean, how do you keep it so clean? The dad was really cute. He answered with- It's more important for your kids to be happy and loved than it is for your house to be clean."

Remembering to use the Atonement

2010-03-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

This is the book our book club is reading this month: Amazing Grace: William Wilberforce and the Heroic Campaign to End Slavery
So far, I love it (although I am only on page 32.)

As I was reading the other night, one paragraph really struck me. The book tells of other historical figures who influenced Wilberforce. One of those was George Whitefield, who helped to bring forth Evangelical Christianity. This is what it said about Whitefield's religious beliefs:

He [Whitefield] saw that the Bible didn't teach that we must work harder at becoming perfect and holy, but that we must instead throw ourselves on God's mercy. Moral perfection wasn't the answer: Jesus was the answer. Jesus had been morally perfect and we weren't supposed to save ourselves--we were supposed to ask him to save us.

We know from revelation that we need both obedience to commandments and the Atonement to save us, but I often focus more on how well, or how poorly, I am doing and less on depending on the Savior. For instance, lately I have not been able to keep up with life like I want to. Actually, if I really think about it, I have never been able to keep with life the way I would like. But, in the past, I always recognized that was because I was pregnant or nursing (or both!) and so would rely heavily on the Savior to make up the difference. I remember spending much time on my knees, praying that the Savior's Atonement would make up for my many, obvious weaknesses and shortcomings. But now I am not pregnant or nursing. I don't have any excuses, and yet I seem to be less capable than ever! Or at least that is how it has felt. I have been so discouraged that I can't seem to do better or handle more or overcome these persistent weaknesses.

I was feeling this way the other night when I read that quote from the book. Then I remembered the Savior! That's right--I don't have to do it all on my own! The Savior is still there, He is still perfect, and His Atonement is still at my disposal. Maybe it is even more at my disposal than ever before because I am not justifying why I am not perfect. I am just admitting it and admitting my dependence on His perfection to make up for my lack of it.

Don't you just love the Gospel?!

More food for thought

2010-03-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was irritated with my older children. They were tired after an early morning and long day, including track practice. In addition, Katie has a pulled hamstring, again, plus other aches and pains that come from jumping hurdles. So they both went to bed early. When I came into the kitchen later, I saw that they had both ignored their evening chores, even though I had reminded them each several times. I was bugged. I stormed around, thinking that I was tired, too, and complaining in my heart that I am always left to finish the chores if they don't do them, as if I don't have enough to do. I was working myself into a real fuss until a thought came into my mind that really made me think.

"How often do I fail to do the chores I am assigned by my Father in Heaven?"

I thought of all the times I haven't followed promptings to help someone or haven't been very diligent in my visiting teaching. I also thought about all the times I have let thing slip in my church callings. It was pretty easy to see that I am certainly not perfect, either, in this area. That made me wonder how many times Heavenly Father has had to get someone else to do the job I have been asked to do. Tail a bit between my legs, I was suddenly feeling much more patient and understanding towards my busy teenagers.

Car trouble...or should I say child trouble?

2010-03-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Three times in the past two weeks, someone has left a light on or the door open in our van, draining the battery.

The first time was two Sundays ago. I had a 7:30 am church meeting. Rich always handles getting the children ready on his own better than I do, so when 9:10 rolled around and they still weren't at church, I began to worry. I sneaked away during the Sacrament hymn, leaving behind the huge portion of empty bench I had covered with scriptures, tote bags, and hymn books, to ask our home teacher to call Rich and find out what was up. He discovered that our van battery was dead because someone had left the inside light on Friday night. That meant it had been on Friday night and all day Saturday. That meant the battery wasn't just dead, it was completely drained. After our battery charger didn't work, Rich was able to borrow a more powerful one from the neighbor. They all filed in just as the Sacrament was coming to an end but, thankfully, before anyone else could claim our empty bench! Did I mention Jacob was assigned to bring the Sacrament bread? (I had wondered why Teachers had been coming up the aisle, one at a time, with piles of individual slices of what I now realize was newly-defrosted bread from a loaf in kitchen freezer.)

The second time someone left a light on was last Sunday. It was Daylight Savings, so we had been struggling more than usual to get everyone up and going. It wasn't until we sprinted out to the van and all climbed in that we realized the van was, once again, dead. Another light had been left on the night before. Lovely. Rich popped the hood and headed to get the charger when Jacob reminded us that he had been assigned the Sacrament bread again, in an effort to redeem himself from the previous Sunday. Oh no! By this time, it was 10 minutes 'til. I jumped in Rich's car with Jacob, leaving him with a completely dead battery, an inadequate battery charger, and no jumper cables for the second Sunday in a row while I attempted to get up to the church with the precious bread. Let's just say Rich was not happy about this situation. (I have to insert here that maybe somebody ought to figure out that you better not give the Pettingill family the responsibility of the Sacrament bread unless you are going to pick Jacob up and bring him yourself or unless you don't mind defrosting bread at 5 minutes 'til.) I drove like a mad woman in an unsuccessful attempt to get the bread to the church on time, telling my permitted driver the whole way that he was never allowed to drive like this no matter how late he was. Then I took a spot on the very back row of the chapel, on the metal chairs no less, and waited for my family to show up. This time, at 9:25, I knew Rich was in for it once again. Why don't I bring my cell phone to church?! I sneaked out, this time after the Sacrament, knowing that no one would take my ten saved chairs (nobody wants to sit on the back row), and called Rich's cell on the foyer phone. Dead battery story, take 2. Except this time, it is Daylight Savings Sunday, so the kind neighbors with the extra-powerful battery charger are apparently still asleep. The family finally dragged in to the chapel at 9:50. The teachers once again razzed Jacob for being late and assigned him the bread again! (What, don't we get any credit for a dead battery, for heaven's sake?!) To be sure that we redeem ourselves this time, I think we'll sneak in during the Stake dance this Saturday night and put the loaf of bread on the Sacrament table before we take the kids home. I also think I am going to send an email to the Teacher's Quorum and ban Jacob from ever being assigned the bread again.

Today, Rich informed me that somebody left the van doors open last night. This afternoon I drive the middle school carpool, but at least this doesn't involve the most sacred ordinance of the church. And at least we know way ahead of time. And at least it's not early in the morning, so we can just go over and knock on the neighbor's door with our heads held high, and a promise that we really are going to get this fixed, to borrow the charger.

Do you ever think that your family would run so much smoother if it didn't have all the children in it? (Just kidding.)

Food for thought

2010-03-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Anna, who is 2 1/2, had set up a little bed for herself and her two babies on the couch. She was siting on a blanket laid down on the couch and then had the babies on her lap. She was trying to get a second blanket pulled up over herself and the babies, but it kept getting stuck on her foot. She was getting more and more angry, and she was shouting with frustration. I finally came over and asked "Can I help you?" She wanted to do it herself, though, and told me so.

As I stood over her, watching her struggle, I knew how easy it would be for me to help her. Something that is so hard for her, to arrange a heavy blanket, would only take a moment for me to fix.

Finally, in desperation and tears, she said I could help. I pulled the blanket off her foot and straightened it on her legs. She was relieved that the blanket was now positioned correctly and so went on happily playing with her babies.

As I walked away, I thought about myself in relation to my Heavenly Father. How often are there times that I am struggling with something in my own life but am reluctant to ask for heavenly help? Do I insist on "doing it myself" when a loving Heavenly Father stands ready to assist? Do I try to handle things that, in my immature spiritual coordination, are difficult tasks for me but would be simple things for Him? How often do I wait until I am angry and in tears with a situation before I think to kneel down and petition heaven?

Just some food for thought.

Keeping the penny a penny

2010-03-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

God knows a mother
needs fortitude and courage
and tolerance and flexibility
and patience and firmness
and nearly every other
brave aspect of the human soul.
But...I praise casualness.
It seems to me the rarest
of virtues.
It's useful enough when
children are small.
It is important to the point
of necessity when they
are adolescents.
--Phyllis McGinley

I have been thinking today about casualness. What is casualness exactly? The Mary Engelbreit illustration in the book that goes along with that quote is of a mother leaning back in her chair on the porch, glancing over the top of the newspaper she is reading, as her obviously distraught, pre-adolescent daughter speaks to her with what appears to be great emotion. I think it is staying calm, being the eye of the storm, when emotions or chaos are raging around you. It is being the one to have a clear head. It is smiling in the face of frustration and difficulty. It is keeping things in perspective.

One of the reasons that I have a hard time with casualness is that theory and reality can be so vastly different. For instance, I may think through my day in the morning, deciding that we will get these chores done, and do these fun activities. It all seems so manageable in the quiet peace of the morning hours before the family is up and stirring. Then theory meets reality. I didn't picture the baby being sick or fussy or the feet-dragging and fighting that inevitably occur as we try to get things done. I didn't plan for the elaborate and very important game they are in the middle of playing just as I am ready to do something with them that is important to me. These things all tend to make me frustrated and impatient that my grand plans for the day are not happening like I imagined. Even worse are the days when I don't get up before the children, and I spend the whole day in reaction mode. On these days, I never even get a grand plan for what was supposed to happened and instead am carried from one crisis to the next without feeling in control of anything. On those days, the reality of life is so very, very...well, real. It is so hard to smile and be calm when life feels like it is whirling out of control.

I think another obstacle to casualness is lack of perspective. In Gloria Child's memoirs, she describes a close friend as always doing everything "as if her life depended on it." Sometimes I forget that my life does not depend on being to church or to a child's basketball practice or to an appointment on time. It doesn't depend on whether the chores get done tonight, or tomorrow for that matter. Can I learn to be more consistently casual and not get upset when we are running late and Jeffrey can't, for the hundreth time, find his shoes? Or when the big kids are fighting with a little kid about who gets to sit where in the van? Or when one child says just the right thing to make another child cry and I have to stop, again, and help solve the conflict?

So how do I learn to be more casual in these emotionally charged situations? I know that going to the temple always helps. The temple helps me forget the daily worries and remember the big picture. It helps me shift from focusing on the small picture of daily life to the grand scheme of where I came from and why I am here and what this is all really about anyway. I always leave with a greater ability to be more calm, more patient, more casual. Maybe that is why we are encouraged to go as often as possible--to keep perspective.

Maybe keeping perspective is the key. This reminds me of an analogy I heard in a talk on BYU-TV . The speaker said that if you tape a penny to the wall and put your eye right up to it, it will take up almost your whole range of vision. But it you step back a foot or two, it comes into proper focus. If you step across the room, it becomes even smaller. If, theoretically, you could still see it from the other side of the house, think how small it would become. Or the end of the street. Or the other side of town. The speaker used the penny to represent our weaknesses, saying how we can keep them in perspective. I think it also works to think of it as other people's weaknesses, or the day-to-day problems that can seem so frustrating at the time, or even the crushing life worries that weigh us down. These things can all seem so immense at the time but are often less so when viewed from the proper perspective. How about viewing them from the perspective of our Father in Heaven, or from the perspective of the Savior? Everything changes when we look at things through Their heavenly, eternal eyes.

Writing this reminded me of an example that happened a few weeks ago. I was feeling really down. I had started my period (which could be enough said right there). I was feeling like our current trials, far beyond not having another baby, things like on-going health problems and employment worries, were never going to end. I was feeling hopeless. I had driven the middle school carpool and had pulled into our driveway. I sat in the car, lost in those deep feelings of discouragement and self-pity. Then I looked up. Here is a close-up of what I saw.These are the blossoms on the trees just outside our bedroom window, which I can also see from the driveway where I park our van. I took this picture yesterday, so the blossoms are turning to green leaves now. On that day, the tree was just overflowing with white, cheery flowers. The sky was full of clouds, so those bright, happy blossoms really stood out in the gloom. In that moment, as I sat in the van, I regained perspective. I almost felt like Heavenly Father had made those trees fully blossoms that very day, a little early for the year, just for me. That helped me see things as He seems them. Somehow, all the worries and fears and discouragement receded as I remembered that Heavenly Father is there, that He will answer our prayers, that He is in charge. I was able to remember why I am grateful for these trials and why I have faith that they are happening for a purpose. I remembered how much my Heavenly Father loves me and how He has answered my prayers so many times in the past.

I guess that is why, in addition to going to the temple regularly, we are encouraged to read the scriptures and pray every day. It's why we go to three hours of church on Sunday. It is also why I love BYU Women's Conference, and General Conference, and EFY music. And it's why Heavenly Father gave us the gift of the Holy Ghost, so that He can speak gentle, encouraging thoughts to our hearts and to our minds. All these things help keep the penny a penny.

Mainstream

2010-02-25T16:20:00.001-08:00

Today we took our five youngest children to Target. Bakugan figures were on clearance, so I promised one (or the equivalent cash value) to everyone who helped me with some undesirable chores. Rich came along to help because it always takes time for each child to choose his or her heart's desire. Multiple times during the trip, we got irritated glances or wide-eyed stares from other shoppers. In the past when this happens, I am always tempted to casually mention the three children who are still in school, just for the shock value. Today, what I really wanted to announce to each one of the questioning fellow shoppers was that our family is actually quite mainstream.

You might wonder how a family with eight children in California could possibly be mainstream. Well, I read an article the other day about the Duggar Family, a family from Arkansas who had their 19th baby in December. Reading the article made me curious to see the TV show about them that I have heard so much about. Since we don't have cable, I had to hunt down episodes on You Tube. I have to say, first, that they seem to be unusually exceptional parents. I admire how committed they are to their faith and how willing they are to share personal family experiences, in a hope to inspire others. That said, I had a complete paradigm shift when I watched their show.

Often, I have sat in church or gone places with our family and felt so different than other people. We homeschool some of our children. We have lots of children. We still want more children. Because of the large number of people in our family, we can't practically do the same things that other, smaller families can do, like eating out or going on expensive vacations or having our children participate in multiple activities all the time. But taking a look into the life of a family with nineteen children made me look at our life very differently. For instance, we dress like most people we know. We go to school. We go to church. We go to college. We dance and date and even think it's okay to kiss before you are married. Sure, we drive a 15-passenger van, but it doesn't take a used Pro-Hockey tour bus to drive our whole family somewhere. I sat in church the Sunday after I had watched those Duggar shows and looked around. You know,I thought to myself, we are pretty much the same as everyone else. We just have a couple more kids.

So the next time someone stares at us open-mouthed when we are in public, or the next time my neighbor rolls her eyes as she moves a scooter off her lawn to my driveway, maybe I'll shout out with a wink, "Hey, at least there are only 10 of us, not 21!"

It feels good to be mainstream.

One last thing about Valentine's Day

2010-02-19T15:09:00.000-08:00

I can't move on from Valentine's Day without preserving in history one last little, but significant, moment from this year. It was 17 years ago this Valentine's Day that Rich first told me he loved me. And it was 15 years ago this Valentine's Day that Rich first forgot to do anything for me. I was patient at first, but after three days had passed with nothing--not even a card--I got mad. I accused him of never forgetting Secretaries' Day but of forgetting his own eternal companion. In hindsight, he was undoubtedly overwhelmed by grad school, baby twins, and his part in starting a new company, and I was too sensitive about my own feelings and not sensitive enough to his. But, being still newly married, I took it personally.

This year, when I was out running errands the day before Valentine's Day, I bought myself a little something for him to give to me. He almost always remembers holidays now, but we had been unusually busy this year, so I thought I would help him out. I brought my little self-purchased treat home and presented it to him, and he thanked me for being understanding.

On Valentine's Day morning, Rich got up while I was taking a shower. He told me he had a little something for me, which I could see sticking out from beneath my towel. It sure didn't look like the treat I had bought myself. It wasn't! He had gotten me a box of See's Candy, my absolutely favorite candy in the whole world. He had even paid full price! When a trained accountant pays full price for something, then you know he really loves you.

So I guess we have both learned a few things over the years. Somewhere along the way, I stopped getting my feelings hurt and learned to give him the benefit of the doubt that, while he really does love me, he just doesn't show his love by making a big deal about insignificant holidays. And somewhere along the way, he learned that, even though something isn't important to him, it probably is to me, and he should make it a priority just in case. : ) I guess we are both getting a little better at this marriage thing!!

Traditions

2010-02-14T17:32:00.001-08:00

I made things harder than I needed to today. We have certain fun traditions that we usually keep every Valentine's Day. I hadn't done a great job with Christmas traditions in 2009. In fact, we mostly abandoned them all. So I have been looking forward to Valentine's Day and thinking of what little treat we would get everyone and what we would have for meals and what the little girls would wear to church--you know, all the fun things that make holidays special. So, at 7 am this morning, when I would have loved to roll back over and sleep for another half hour, I instead dragged myself out of bed. I had to get ready so that I would have time to make pink pancakes and waffles before church at 9 am. I also bought toppings for strawberry waffles for those with more refined tastes. Rich reminded me not, however, to turn the syrup and milk pink, which always make little children wary and would not be good early in the morning when we are trying to get to church on time. I was all ready to serve breakfast as sleepy-headed children wandered up about 8 am. I was met with these happy comments:

"Pancakes and waffles? What about cereal?"
"Can we have cereal anyway?"
"What are we going to do with the cereal then?"
"Well, when can we have cereal?"

We recently started another, obviously more-appreciated tradition of having cold cereal on Sunday morning to save time. We banned cereal during the week ever since Rich bought six gallons of milk on Tuesday after work and discovered we were out again on Thursday (although, in defense of the children, I have to add that we also had chocolate chip cookies during that same time period. I mean, what child can have a couple of chocolate chip cookies without a full glass of cold milk to dip them in?) Well, I just figured children who were used to pink pancakes and waffles every Valentine's Day would be upset if they didn't get them just because I was too tired or because it was Sunday and we were in a hurry. I should have asked the children. On the other hand, if I had gone with cereal, I probably would have gotten a bunch of complaints from other children. Sometimes you just can't win.

So the second half of the story came after we made it to church. We did make it to church on time, by the way. Because we were later than usual, we slipped into nine chairs in the back, which was actually enough space for us all to sit together. One of the burdens of a large family in a big ward is that you don't fit just anywhere, so usually we are crammed into a space smaller than we actually fit in, and frequently, someone has to sit in a pew in front or behind, usually one of the bigger, Sacrament-passing boys who come later. Today, despite being just on time, we all got to sit together. When you sit in chairs in the back, you can't really cram. Everyone takes an individual chair (although Joshua did suggest after church that we could probably fit our whole family in six chairs if we just had a few people sit on half-chairs. I'm not going to try it.) It was such a treat after the Sacrament, after Anna had spilled her juice box and we cleaned it up, and after Beth and Jeffrey had a big fight about who got to sit by just Mom or Dad and who got to sit between them, and after Jeffrey and Anna both had to go "pottie", despite the fact that Anna still wears diapers, after we finally got settled, there we sat with our whole family together. Jacob, Katie, Daniel, Josh and Adam were all sitting to my right. Jeffrey got the coveted spot in between Mom and Dad, Rich had Anna on his lap, and I could just see Beth's white tights and black church shoes sticking out on the other side of Rich. I sat there looking at each of our children, feeling how much I loved each one individually so much. I felt grateful for three independent, helpful teenagers who are all working so hard at school and participating in their individual activities. Then, my two best-friend brothers, who can't be quiet in Sacrament Meeting to save their lives, but who are so sweet and good and fun. Then our little Jeffrey. I kissed his head and told him he didn't need to wear red to church for Valentine's Day. He comes with his own red. And then two little wiggly girls who are sweet and affectionate and love to paint nails and wear pretend make-up and push strollers and pretend to talk on a cell phone. I felt like my heart was full to bursting with love. Could there be a better family than this? It's busy and crazy and I'm not always appreciated for my efforts, but it is very happy and full of love. I absolutely wouldn't change a thing!

All we need is love

2010-02-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Beth attended a long birthday party. We dropped her off at 12:30, and her ride did not bring her home until 5:30. Right around that same time, Rich left to attend a temple session. I hadn't been feeling great, so I was a little crabby when Beth began moaning and groaning to me about what a hard day it had been for her. I had asked her to finish her chores while I made dinner. She immediately started to cry, saying how everyone had so much fun and she never had any fun. The rest of the family had been home all afternoon doing chores, so I reminded her how we had all been working and that she needed to do her part without complaining. I felt impatient with how ungrateful she was and frustrated that I had to work so hard. As I heard her crying and complaining, I thought, "I don't know how Heavenly Father does it with all His children complaining and moaning about this or that to Him all the time." Then I remembered that I am one of the moaners. "I wonder if he ever just gets sick of me," I thought. As if to answer my question, the idea came to think about how my heavenly father responds to me when I come to Him upset or discouraged or with a problem. Almost without exception, when I pray about something that I am upset about, no matter how simple or insignificant it is, I feel loved, understood, listened to, encouraged, and validated. Suddenly, I realized that was what Beth needed. She needed me to just love her.

So I tried it. I stopped what I was doing for a moment, had her come to me, and I gave her a long hug. I told her how sorry I was that she felt tired and sad about her day. Then I asked her to tell me about what had happened that made her feel so sad, while I made dinner. So she began to tell me how the other girls at the party had left her out of some things, and how one girl in particular had told her she was bossy. This same girl had also called her another name during the party. She also felt disappointed that she didn't get to play with the birthday girl as much as she wanted. (This was all a good reminder to me that 5 hours is probably too long for that many little girls to be together!) I listened and tried to understand how she was feeling. I tried to validate her feelings. We talked for as long as she needed, while I made our dinner. It was amazing how quickly she cheered up and went off to do her chores.

Love. Kindness. Understanding. Validation. If only I could remember more that this is what my children are looking for. If only I could slow down before I minimize their feelings, and listen to them. That is how my heavenly father treats me. That is the kind of parent that I want to be more of the time.

Why I Am Glad That I Am Not Pregnant

2010-02-01T12:21:00.001-08:00

Nearly 17 years ago, when Rich and I were dating and engaged, we decided it would be fun to have nine children. It was just a silly number we came up with. I never thought it really mattered, until now. For some reason, I can't give up the idea that someone is missing. So we have been hoping to have another baby for one year now. Can I tell you what an eye opening year this has been?! I don't know how women do this, the emotional ups and downs, the thinking "this is the month" only to be so disappointed when it's not the month, the thoughtless responses by a well-meaning husband who isn't quite as...well, quite as impatient. I have a whole new respect for women who have experienced infertility. I will say it again--how do you do it?

So for some reason I thought this month was the month. I don't why I let myself get all excited. I kept saying it didn't matter, and then the fateful day came when I knew I wasn't pregnant, and I was depressed. It doesn't really make any sense, to be honest. I have a great family and certainly plenty of work to do! But I have still felt disappointed. So laying in bed last night, I started to think of all the reasons why it is so great that I am not pregnant. Here are some of them:

--I get to eat barbecue sauce, which I cannot eat, or even see, or even speak of, or even have others speak of, when I am pregnant. I like barbecue sauce. Hooray for barbeque sauce! I think I am in the mood for chicken with barbecue sauce!!

--The little black hairs, which grow so abundantly all over my husband's chest, back, arms and legs--but curiously not on the top of his head--do not currently make me sick. In fact, I can clean the shower without even noticing those little black hairs. I can change the bed sheets without wanting to throw up from seeing those little black hairs. I can even admire them on my dear husband without feeling even one little bit sick. Hooray for the ability to ignore little black hairs!

--I care about whether or not the house is clean. Now I am not saying that the house is clean, because I just don't think one woman can fight the apathy of nine other people who don't seem to care if the house is clean. But right now I actually do care about the house and so I make efforts to move it in the direction that I like, which is clean. When I am pregnant, I don't care and the apathy takes total control of the house. Oh, they all pretend to care and make pitiful efforts at doing extra chores in the name of "helping Mom" but they know that I don't really have the energy to care and to be pregnant, and they can let a lot slide. So hooray for caring about a clean house!!

--I can put my head on my bed pillow and not feel like throwing up. There is something about smells that really get me when I am pregnant. The smell of the bathroom, the smell of the laundry, the smell of my husband and the smell of myself (both sad but true), the smell of the bedsheets, the smell of the unmentionable barbecue sauce. All these things make me pretty darn sick when I am pregnant, especially in the beginning. So hooray for a comfy bed pillow and the ability to lay my head down on it (especially since that pillow sometimes also has little black hairs on it!)

--Well, I could go on and on, but here's just one last thing. (And I'll bet this is one that Rich will shout hooray for, too.) I like being able to eat the food that we actually have in the house. When I am pregnant, the only food that sounds good to me is food that is not in our house and has not been mentioned recently in our house. Oh, how good it is to be able to eat peanut butter and jelly or tuna, for instance, for lunch today and tomorrow and then again the next day. Isn't that great?! When I am pregnant, I might be able to stand it today, and I might let you eat it tomorrow with me in the room, but the next day, and for the next six months, it will be completely out as a food option. It's so good to just be able to eat and feel full and go on with the day. (And I will bet you anything that Rich is saying how good it is that he is not the one out hunting for the food that sounds good to me that is not in our house!) So hooray for eating normal, easy-to-access, available food!

See all the reasons why I am glad that I am not pregnant? And I think these reasons will sustain me all month long, and I will be absolutely sure that I am so happy not to be pregnant and not to be dealing with all this, right up until that fateful day next month when I find out again that I am not pregnant. And then I will probably be depressed and have to start a new list! ; )

I Will

2010-01-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

Katie and I have a favorite song from the 2009 EFY cd. It's called I Will by Hilary Weeks. I love this song because it makes me want to do more and be better and live at a higher level. It gives me courage to do hard things, and to keep going when I feel discouraged. And I love the violins at the end. The whole cd is fantastic, which you can buy or download here.

Katie copied the words down for me last night:

I made my choice
To mark this day,
The day I pledge
To take His name.
I will be strong.
I will be brave.
Standing for Him,
As I take my place.

I have felt the Spirit burn truth in my heart.
It's in my heart.

I will stand.
I will not fall.
In a world that's weak,
I will be strong.
I'll be true,
I will choose His way.
I know what's right
And I will not change.
In a world where so many will not,
I will.

I may be one,
But one becomes two,
When you stand with me,
And I stand with you.
As we unite,
Our cause is great.
We're not just the candle,
We are the flame.

I will take the light it gives me, and I'll hold it up high.
I'll hold it up high.

I will stand.
I will not fall.
In a world that's weak,
I will be strong.
I'll be true.
I will choose His way.
I know what's right and I will not change.
In a world where so many will not,
I will.

Striking a blow for freedoom

2010-01-25T10:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I got a kind comment from a friend, wondering why I don't post on this blog more. I pondered it last night. There are lots of reasons, the main one of which I will discuss in another post. However, I thought for a long time about why I don't make posting on here more of a priority. I started this blog because there are constantly so many things I learn everyday about life and about parenting that I wanted to keep a record of them for my children, especially my daughters. Then maybe they will have something to encourage them later on when they are going through some of the same things. That seems like a pretty noble cause, worthy of some time and effort on my part, I think.

So, for whatever the reasons, I got away from writing down all those inspiring thoughts. Part of the problem is that I was raised by a mother--a mother of two children, by the way--who would never relax until after the work was done. The problem with following that rule in my life is that, if I waited until the work was done, I would never be able to relax. The work is literally never done around here. When I told Rich about the friend's comment while laying in bed last night, he miraculously responded (instead of being sound asleep like usual), saying that she could read his blog. He writes a trader's blog five days a week, and he never misses a post. You can read the blog here. I never do because, frankly, I have no idea what he is talking about. In fact, I tried to post a comment once just to be supportive, but it is hard to comment on something when you have no idea what it means, and I felt dumb saying "Great work, dear!" or "Very insightful, honey," knowing my lack of knowledge would be pretty transparent. At least 49 other people read him daily, though, and they seem to appreciate what he says, or at least feel the need to disagree, because his phone is constantly buzzing with this comment or that after he posts each day. Anyway...my point here is that he doesn't wait for the work to be done before posting his blog every night--and I speak from experience here. So if he makes writing about something as temporary as the stock market such a priority, shouldn't I make writing down inspiration for posterity at least as much of a priority? I think so!

So I am striking a blow for freedom here. I am giving myself permission to write even when the work isn't done. In fact, for this very first post, the dishes remain undone and I wrote anyway. So there!

Two great quotes

2009-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

Here are two of my favorite quotes from the year:

Often the greatest service to others is one-on-one. It need not be on a grand scale, and it is noblest within the family.
--President James E. Faust

You just have to muddle...You don't have to handle everything that comes your way. There is no rule book somewhere that says all good people must go around handling everything.
--Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

Reminiscing

2009-05-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

Today, Jacob and Katie turned 15, and on Wednesday, I turn 40. I remember so clearly bringing home newborn baby twins from the hospital and wondering what on earth the hospital people were doing sending us home with these babies when we didn't know anything about how to take care of them! I had had some complications in the hospital, and the twins had literally been in the nursery the whole time I was there. On my 25th birthday, after getting almost no sleep that first night, Rich and I sat facing one another on the couch with our feet touching, each of us holding a baby in our lap, waiting for my mom to arrive from the airport. She would know what to do!

When Rich and I were engaged, we decided we wanted to have 9 children. People wonder why 9? We wanted a large family and figured that, if I had a baby every 2 years from age 25 to age 40, we would have 9 children. We haven't made it to 9, but we got off to a running start with the twins coming (three weeks early) a couple of weeks before we had been married 9 months. Boy, have we have learned some things in the past 15 years since we sat there waiting for my mom to come take over. Once she left, we had to--it was sink or swim! I was thinking about all that I have learned from marriage and family this morning. Here are a few of the things that came to mind:

I learned that, with the Lord's help, you can accomplish anything. I am the baby in a family of two girls, and to think I would be able to have 8 children was actually laughable to my mom. I didn't really know how to cook when we got married, and I wasn't much of an organizer or homemaker. Over and over, I have gone to the Lord for encouragement and ideas. That process has never failed me. I am still not much of a homemaker in the organizing sense, but we are making it!
Which made me think of the second thing I have learned, and relearned, over the years. The most important thing to the Lord in parenting is not whether you keep a clean, organized, decorated house. I know that He will help us with that, if it is important to us, but if you can't ever get it quite together (I am speaking from personal experience here), that's okay, too. On the other hand, what does matter is to love the people in our lives.
I am learning all the time that Savior's way really is the best way. This applies to marriage and motherhood and everything else. When I follow the Savior in how I treat others by being patient, unselfish, long-suffering, kind and gentle, I am much happier. Family life sure seems to be a natural, if sometimes painful, path to learning how to be better in this area.
I have learned that I am a better mother when I forget myself and put other people first. I am a much better wife when I do this, too! Oh, to always remember!!
I have learned that the ideal of having a family is pretty different from the reality of actually raising one. What you don't see in that family snapshot where everyone is smiling for the camera is the fighting and teasing and wrestling and broken windows and broken bones and tears and mess and work. But you also don't see all the laughing and fun times and sweet moments and chubby little arms wrapped around your neck, either. All in all, it's worth it!

It has been a hard 15 years in many ways. I have spent a lot of time on my knees. But it has also been a great, happy, full 15 years as well. In fact, it has been the best 15 years of my life, so far. I am so grateful for our family and for the many lessons in forgetting myself. And you know what else I am grateful for? I am grateful for so many little people who each want to sit by me in church and for people who call my name out every 60 seconds to share their every thought with me no matter where I am or what I am doing and for endless cute pictures that say "Mom, I love you" and for so much to do that blogging usually comes at the end of a long list. It won't always be this way, so I am just thankful for now.

A glimpse of joy

2009-04-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, we got to spend most of the day at Folsom High School watching Katie compete in a big invitational track meet involving 10 schools from all over the area. This was the first time we have been able to attend one of her big meets this season. Up until now, we have had to hear her results by text message. She ran the 100m hurdles, 300m hurdles, the 4x100m relay and competed in high jump. It was a sunny, warm day, and several of us went at at time. What a treat it was to relax in the bleachers and watch her compete. She did well, despite an injured hamstring, and she came away with three personal records for the day.

On Saturday night, as I got ready for bed, I thought about what a great day it had been. There have been so many years when I have wondered if the work would ever end. I have spent most Saturdays trying to drag myself, and our children, through the endless list of chores that are essential to keep this family running, and faced so many Mondays when I didn't think I could handle the week of work ahead. There have been years of struggling with little children, tied down to the home with a nursing baby, or so tired from lack of sleep that I didn't feel like going anywhere even if I could. I felt like this Saturday was a glimpse of some of the reward that is coming after years of foundation-building. I felt deep joy watching Katie compete in her events, so much deeper than anything I ever felt when I was the one out there on the track years ago. I felt in my heart on Saturday that all the sacrifice has been worth it. It feels like the sacrificing goes on forever, and we are nowhere near done, but there is satisfaction that comes, unlike anything I have ever experienced, from watching children that we have loved and served and given our all to do good, happy things. Just thought I would pass along to anyone who is reading (or will be reading someday) that the hard times are all worth it. There are great times ahead!!

True parenting

2009-04-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am reading a great book by a speaker I heard in a BYU Devotional Forum called Authentic Happiness by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman. Here is a quote from the book that gave me all kinds of food for thought on what parenting is all about. It is in the context of a story he tells when he is crabbing at his five year old daughter. She informs him that she had to learn not to whine when she was little and that it was the hardest thing she had ever done. She said that if she could learn not to be whiny, he could learn not to be a grouch. He realized she was right. But he also learned something significant about influencing people. He says:

I realized that raising Nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. She could do that herself. Rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed...and help her mold her life around it. Such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. Raising children, I knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. It was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niches where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

I think this perfectly describes the kind of influence used by our loving Father in Heaven. Focus on the good and on the big picture, amplify positive traits, lift up, encourage, support, strengthen, guide and direct, love, only finding fault when absolutely necessary.

Love, love, love, love, love

2009-03-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

Despite the changes that come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days--as much as we can--with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed.
--President Thomas S. Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey, Oct. 2008 General Conference

It is hard for me to relax and love sometimes--well, lots of times. I love having a living prophet to remind me what life is all about!!

2009-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

From a talk I read today entitled Celestial Marriage by Elder Russell M. Nelson, given in Oct. 2008 General Conference:

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort...That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness...Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteeems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities.

This comes naturally to Rich. I confess that, on the best day, Rich's needs usually only make it to number 9 on my list of priorities, and on a bad day, he's lucky to make it to number 10. This morning, I realized that many of my complaints and challenges in life would fade away if I spent more time forgetting my own "selfish demands" and focused more on making his welfare one of my "highest priorities." I am going to work on that.

The power of faith coupled with the Holy Ghost

2009-03-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

A young woman shared this quote by Brigham Young in her talk on Sunday. "If the Latter-day Saints walk up to their privileges and exercise faith in the name of Jesus Christ, and live in the enjoyment of the fullness of the Holy Ghost constantly day by day, there is nothing on the face of the earth that they could ask for that would not be given unto them."

I love that! I believe that promise is literal.

Sick days

2009-03-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

A really bad cough/fever virus + eight children = no time to sleep or shower let alone blog!

However, my sister posted a beautiful video about the Savior that takes 5 minutes to watch, if you want something uplifting in your day.

Visit her blog here.

A little time alone + a good night's sleep = appreciation

2009-02-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

Rich and I went away to San Francisco for one night while a good (and brave) friend babysat our family. We had such a wonderful time together, and I am posting some pictures and details on our family blog. This weekend helped me to see a couple of things differently.

First, I love being with my husband alone. When we are alone, we can talk without being interrupted. We can hold hands and sit next to each other without someone plopping themselves right in between us. Everything is more fun with Rich, including walking around in the rain on a cold night, eating at a little city diner, and even laying around in our pajamas and reading separate books. However, as I watched the other people in the city shopping or sitting alone or dressed in perfect corporate-world outfits, I felt deeply how grateful I was to have such a fun, busy, full life with so many great people in it to go home to. I love my life and all the little (and big) people in it that demand so much of my time. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Second, I am grateful to be able to take care of all these people. I spoke last night for a long time with a friend who has had life-threatening complications after the birth of her last baby. She has five children about the same age as our five youngest. Because of her health problems, she cannot even lift her baby, who is 10 months old. She mostly can only care for herself and help with only the simplest needs of her family. What a blessing that, although it is a lot of work to take care of this big group, I am strong and healthy and able to do it.

Life is good.

2009-02-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

Here is what one of our daughters wrote during the Sacrament today:

I am six yere's old
Don't bug my brothers
I'll triey to ctr
becuse I know that
Jesus loves me and that
he died for me
I shood ctr becuse
I love Jesus

She also made a list of things she is going to do to be better, including ctr, not bug my brothers, and not scream at my parents. Two of the things that family members complain about is her bugging and screaming.

At the time she showed me this, I had been thinking about my own goal of using kind words with our family and how I just couldn't seem to change my behavior on my own. Reading her note gave me great insight into both her behavior and into myself as a parent. Once again, I realized that she and I are not so different. She wants to change, too. She can't do it on her own, either. She is trying, at her own level, just like I am. Except I am not the patient, long suffering, kind parent that my Father in Heaven is. He doesn't scold me when I make the same mistake over and over. He doesn't lose His patience. He doesn't get angry or throw His hands up in disgust. He just patiently tries to help me remember what I want to do and to help me change, and then He waits while I give it another try, over and over and over.

I thought of the Savior's parable on forgiveness in which a servant is forgiven of a large debt by his Lord but then fails to forgive his own fellowservant of a much smaller debt. My Father in Heaven is unfailingly patient with my inability to change, and I am like the unforgiving servant if I am not patient with my children as they struggle with their own weaknesses.

Great Builders

2009-02-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

My mother-in-law sent me an article entitled "The Invisible Mother" by a woman named Charlotte, a US Embassy doctor's wife in India. Charlotte discussed the idea that we feel invisible as mothers and that our work goes unseen by most, and compared it to the makers of the great cathedrals of the world. Here is a portion of the article. (Please email me if you want me to forward the whole text.)

No one can say who built the great cathedrals--we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story... told of a rich man who came to visit a cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees it."

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewed on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral , but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the anti-dote to my strong,
stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours, and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there's anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we're building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

The very fiber of eternity

2009-01-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

Anna is cutting six teeth. On top of that, she has a bad cold. For the past five nights, we have not been sleeping much. Yesterday, I went to Walmart to hastily grab a few things. I looked liked a mother who had not slept much and had no time to do much for herself. While there, I saw a friend and we visited for a few minutes. As we talked, I noticed how good she looked. Her hair was done, she had on make-up and jewelry, and she was dressed in a cute outfit. Mentally making the contrast between how she looked and how I felt, I found myself wondering why life has to be so hard sometimes, especially when I am just trying to raise a family like I am supposed to be doing.

I needed a pep talk. I have spent the last 24 hours composing that pep talk in my mind, and I am typing it up here.

Matthew 16:25 says "For whosoever shall save his life shall lose it, and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." This scripture perfectly applies to motherhood. We literally lose our lives, or in other words, give up control of our daily expectations and schedules in order to care for our children. When they are young, their physical care can often take over our day. When they are older, their emotional and spiritual care can take over our nights! It is so important to remember the promise that as we willingly lose ourselves now, we will later find ourselves. This time of intense care for other people, which sometimes takes up all our time, will come to an end and we will come away with something great, including time to ourselves and eternal relationships with our children (and certainly appreciation for the ability to put on make-up, do our hair, and pick out a nice outfit without spit up or runny nose rubbed on the shoulders).

I read an article on Meridian Magazine (that you can read here) in which the author compared the well-known pioneer story of the three young men who carried many of their party across the freezing Sweetwater River to the sacrifice required to bear a baby, where each mother carries her child from the bank of the pre-existence across the chasm into mortal existence. I think this same comparison can be made about caring for our children. We figuratively carry them on our back or in our arms throughout childhood until they reach the bank of adulthood and are ready and strong enough to stand on their own and continue on the path back to Heavenly Father. Sometimes the day to day of that effort can feel like such a heavy sacrifice. But when you think of it that way, doesn't that make motherhood seem so noble? Doesn't it take you above the runny noses and mundane work to see it as something grand, something that is about saving souls?

I love the statement by President Gordon B. Hinckley which he made to a group of General Authorities. I know it also applies to parents. "I hope you are enjoying your work and service. I know that it is demanding. I know that it is strenuous. But what a tremendous opportunity we all have. How could we better spend our time? We are dealing with the very fiber of eternity. We are dealing with the salvation and exaltation of our Father's children."

I have thought of that quote many times. What better could I be doing with my time than to be helping to raise up Heavenly Father's children? We are dealing with the very fiber of eternity. What I am wearing or whether I got to do my hair just right or what the house looks like today will not matter over time. In fact, it will not even matter tomorrow. But it will matter that I spent my time taking care of my sick baby, loving her, meeting her needs.

The day will come when I will get to decide exactly how I look, and how much sleep I've had, when I go to Walmart, but that day can wait. There are children that need to be raised right now, and this is the only chance I get.

The Power of the Atonement

2009-01-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

Do not forget who you are. You are sons and daughters of God, our Eternal Father, and He loves you. You can lay any burden that you feel like you are carrying on the shoulders of the Lord Jesus Christ as you internalize the Atonement and let that be real in your lives. Remember what He did in Gethsemane and what He did on Golgotha for you and me. Then, somehow, someway, the power of heaven gives you the strength to carry on, do the best you can, to move forward, and not to be too concerned about your own personal worries.
--Elder M. Russell Ballard, Single Adult Conference, May 2007

Grace to help in time of need

2009-01-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16

I love this scripture. Jesus Christ is the High Priest of the Church. He understands our inclination toward weakness as well as all of our struggles. He is available to offer mercy and grace when we need it.

I was thinking of this scripture the other night after I had once again failed to keep one of only two personal goals for the new year--to use a gentle rather than berating voice when correcting my children. Frankly, I am not sure I have it in me to accomplish this goal. Every day, I start out with good intentions, but when things heat up and tempers flair, I can't seem to keep myself from ranting and raving. It is the exact pattern as someone who has an addiction. The brain path naturally follows the same direction every time there is stress, right back to the same unhealthy behavior.

I want to change, though. That is why I like this scripture. I looked up grace this morning in the Bible dictionary. Two sentences really stood out to me. First, grace is "divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ." Then, more specifically, "individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means.

Change takes patience and time. During this slow process, we depend on the grace of Jesus Christ. We lay our burden of sin before Him, asking the Father for forgiveness and help to change. Then we to do our best to improve but also to trust Him, being kind to ourselves and patient with the slow progress, knowing that His Atonement will not only bring strength and assistance but also make up for all the mistakes. Grace to help in time of need.

The trouble with boys...

2009-01-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

The trouble with boys is that they are messy and loud and energetic. I have one boy that makes loud noises all the time, over and over and over. As if there is not enough noise in our house! Another boy delights in teasing his siblings. He especially likes the ones that scream the loudest. I have other boys who sneak downstairs and play legos all the time. I am forever standing at the top of stairs, yelling down for boys to come back up to do school work or chores or whatever. And when they play legos upstairs, they leave them all over the house. The boys also leave their dirty socks just about anywhere they feel like taking them off, like on the kitchen counter. That can drive you batty!

This morning, we had a rare moment when all five boys (plus Anna) were upstairs as I was reading aloud. I paused to look at them. They are so cute and sweet and considerate of my feelings. Well, they try anyway. I realized something surprising as we sat there. I only have four more years guaranteed to be with all of my boys. Jacob will turn 18 and head off to college in about four years, or less, really. Wow!

That put me to thinking. So is it really so bad when they are loud? Maybe I could be a little nicer when I ask them to be quiet or to do chores or to put away dirty socks. Is it really so bad when they are teasing? Mostly, it is just in good fun. Maybe I could encourage the screamers to try laughing instead. Okay, that won't work, but maybe I don't have to get so mad. I wish I were better at keeping my temper and using a nicer voice.

I had a friend remind me just this week that you spend a lot more time with your husband alone than with your children at home with you. She said children grow up too fast. She should know because her sixth and last child just went off to college last fall.

I'm going to work on that. I am going to work on using a nicer voice and being a little more patient and not taking things quite so seriously. And not just with the boys. The trouble with boys (and children) is that they grow up so fast!!!

I choose joy

2009-01-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up crabby. We have not been getting much sleep lately because Anna is cutting six teeth simultaneously, and she has had an ear infection and the flu, and Beth had an abscessed tooth and the flu, etc, etc, etc. I have this gastritis stomach thing, undoubtedly aggravated by the wakeful nights, that forces me to be sure to get extra sleep or suffer from stomach pain. So this morning, I couldn't get up when I wanted and therefore began the day playing catch up. This makes me crabby. The thing is, I love the days when I can get my shower and scriptures read before the little children are up. This was not one of those days, and I was feeling pretty bugged by life. I was dragging myself through the morning routine, wondering how I would make it through a day of what felt like total drudgery ahead. Crab, crab, crab.

I decided to read the scriptures with breakfast. A gentle thought came as I was reading, probably the first chance I had given the Holy Ghost to influence me all morning, that it was unusually quiet. I looked around to see children doing an amazing thing--for the first time since the new year, they were doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing. Josh was reading; Jacob was doing homework; Adam began practicing the piano. No one was bugging anyone else, and I didn't have to drag someone away from the beloved legos to get started on school work. Suddenly, I viewed the day from the perspective of what was going right instead of was going wrong.

A quote from President Monson's Oct. 2008 talk "Finding Joy in the Journey" came to mind (which my sister shared in a recent blog):

“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend . . . when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”

Here was this principle in action in my life. I could choose to focus on what was missing, having everything the way I wanted, or I could focus on what was going well, like children choosing to follow the routine and a sunny day and a stomach that didn't hurt.

Our Bishop gave a fantastic talk on Sunday. One thing that struck me was his discussion on the need to purify the heart of pride. I can see that the things that make me the most crabby and irritable are directly related to my pride, like not being able to do what I want or have the house look the way I want or have my children behave the way I want. If I follow President Monson's thought, then I humbly and patiently submit to the things that are not the way I want and recognize the things that are the way I want with gratitude and appreciation. So I am working on that.

Today, I chose to be cheerful instead of crabby and to be grateful for the things that were going well instead of the ones that weren't. It turned out to be a pretty great day, and the drudgery ended up being pretty fun.

Confessions

2009-01-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. I am in over my head. I have more than I can handle. I am a blue diamond mother trying to make it on a black diamond family ski run.

Anyone who has gone downhill skiing knows the feeling when you head down a run harder than your skill and realize it partway down the hill. You have that out-of-control feeling where the poles are flying and you are going quite a bit faster than you can handle. You feel like you are going to crash any minute, every minute. You want to yell to the other skiers "Get out of my way! Novice skier coming through!" and you pray like crazy. Yeah, well that's how I am feeling about our family. This is out of control.

You might ask, "Well, why did you have so many children?" Good question! What I want to know is why Heavenly Father didn't stop me when I got married and say something like, "Now, Khristine, you weren't raised in the church and you were the baby, so you better just take it slow. Let's keep you on the bunny hill for a while. Let the gals who helped raised all their younger siblings have the fast and furious big families. Let's not overdo it." But no, He sends us twins right off the bat, and there I am, with no idea what I am doing, on the blue diamond hill to start. Then He lets us hop on the lift and head right up to the black diamond course without so much as a warning, "You might not want to do that!"

The problem is that we sure love all these children. Who would we do without? If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change one thing. Maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. So what is there to do? I guess I am going to have to pray my way all the way down to the bottom of the hill!

Perspective is everything

2008-12-27T19:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, as I sat in the temple, what really matters came into sharper focus for me. When you think about the grand scheme of where we came from and where we are going, suddenly the little details like spots on the carpet or drawing on the walls, or my weight or whether we have just the right clothes for church can be seen for what they really are--insignificant and unimportant. I love the quote by Elder Packer that I put on the blog today. What really matters to is nurture children and people. What really deserves my time and attention are the things that will make a difference in the future. I have a hard time with this. My natural inclination, which I follow too often, is to get all the work done before I slow down and take the time to really meet needs. The problem is that the work never ends. I think that is doing things in the wrong order. Love first, then do the work with whatever time is left. I think that is what it means to be a well of affection rather than a fountain. It means allowing children to draw upon our love when they need it rather than when it is convenient for us. One of my favorite literary quotes is from Les Miserables. Jean Val Jean says, "Love each other dearly always. There is scarcely anything in life that matters than that--to love one another."

A child's effort

2008-12-27T19:53:00.001-08:00

Tonight, the children were working for the right to select one of the candy bars that we had been given in a Christmas gift. The harder workers got to choose first. Adam was helping me do dishes by drying them and stacking them on the counter for me to put away. It was a sizeable job for a 7 year old, and he recognized that. "I am working harder than anyone else," he informed me. I chuckled, thinking of the big kids downstairs who were picking up and vacuuming whole rooms. He was working hard, for a 7 year old, but not harder than the big kids. Then I though of myself. Do I think this way? Do I look at my efforts in the kingdom and think I am working harder than anyone else when I am really giving a child's effort? Maybe so.

Gratitude

2008-12-25T20:20:00.001-08:00

It was a busy week leading up to Christmas. I think everyone (or maybe every woman) feels that way as we try to manage all the details of showing our love for other people. At one point, I was feeling especially impatient with the demands and craziness of this large family. As I knelt down to say my bedtime prayer, I expressed my frustrations to the Lord. A gentle answer came to reassure my heart. "It will all be worth it."

On Christmas morning, I received a reinforcement of that answer. It had been a tough night. Including us, we had 23 people at dinner Christmas Eve. We had a great time, but everyone was tired from all the fun. We climbed into bed at 11:08 pm, a record for Christmas Eve, but that unfortunately didn't lead to extra sleep. Anna had been sick with an ear infection and the flu, so she was having an ususually hard time sleeping. Apparently Josh got the flu too because he felt terrible by bedtime and eventually threw up. Jeffrey woke up around midnight and came to get in bed with us. A storm was raging outside, and I could hear things banging around the backyard. Neither Rich or I got much sleep. At 5:30 am, just as I thought children were maybe going to sleep in, I heard footsteps on the stairs. I groaned inside at the lack of sleep and early hour, but then I smiled as I heard excited giggles and shouts. I shut the door but could still hear running up and down the stairs and lots of laughs and shouting. The rule is that they can look at their presents and sort out the gifts, but we don't have to come out until all the little children wake up. Their excitement was contagious. I wished so much to have a video camera so that I could see each child as he or she discovered the unwrapped gifts that were waiting. I was worried because Santa hadn't left much in the stockings, but nobody cared. At 6 am, Anna woke up and wanted a snack. Rich took her out, and Daniel came in to lay in bed and chat with me. He told me all about how excited everyone was. He even told me how cute Beth was when she discovered her Nutcracker, "big enough to crack real nuts" she exclaimed. Daniel doesn't think anything Beth does is cute, so that shows how happy he was feeling.

I lay there listening to the fun going on out in the living room, and I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. This is worth it. It is worth it now, and I believe it will always be worth it. I am so grateful for each of our children and for the opportunity to be their mother. I am grateful for the fun and joy of family life and for the struggles that make these happy times especially sweet. I heard Elder Boyd K. Packer say once that someday we will really understand what the name father means, and then we will have captured the true pearl of great price. On Chrismas morning, I understood what he meant just a little more.

Casualness

2008-12-16T20:16:00.001-08:00

I was making dinner when I heard Jacob yell, "Mom, Joshua just stood on the footstool and jumped over the loveseat!" Our living room is mixed up right now, with the footstool hiding behind the loveseat instead of in front of it to make room for the Christmas tree. This makes jumping over the loveseat from behind even more tempting than usual. It's pretty darn cute when Anna climbs up on the footstool and then dives over the back of the couch. It is dangerous when big boys do it. And I don't mean dangerous to them so much as dangerous to the couch, not to mention the Christmas tree! So my reply, with a sigh, was "Josh, please don't jump over the couch." I guess I should get them in trouble or make a big deal when they do this if I want the behavior to stop. Any seasoned parent knows that you have to give some kind of consequence that is more painful than the fun of breaking the rule. The problem is that most seasoned parents are often too tired to follow up with consequences! Anyway, this parent is too tired tonight!

So what is the deal? We are beaten down when they are rowdy, energetic children, and then, to really suck the life out of parents, there is early morning seminary when they are teenagers. It almost seems like there is a conspiracy! I ask myself, is there purpose in the wearing out of parents? And yet, maybe there is. Maybe, by the time they are teenagers, we need to be so mellow that we only get upset about the really important things because that's all we have the energy for. We have to pick our battles because the rest of the time we are sagging on the sidelines watching as, with unlimited energy, they use this moral agency they've been given to make some real life choices. And it's not just whether or not to jump over the couch but whether or not to do things that will really affect their lives. I guess they are past the lecture stage and into the life lab session--how to choose the right. I'm not saying that we give up on parenting, just that we are forced to learn the difference between the things that matter and the things that don't.

Phyllis McGinley calls this casualness. She said, "God knows a mother needs fortitude and courage and tolerance and flexibility and patience and firmness and nearly every other brave aspect of the human soul. But...I praise casualness. It seems to me the rarest of virtues. It's useful enough when they are small. It is important to the point of necessity when they are adolescents."

A Perfect Plan

2008-12-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight Rich and I were in the temple to seal together a couple and most of their children. It was a great experience, but I was feeling slightly frustrated beforehand because we were missing one son. We had not been able to get that endowment done and couldn't include him in the sealing. I was hoping to do the whole family, so it was kind of bugging me. During the sealings, the sealer said something interesting. He was doing some Danish couple sealings for another family, and he was butchering the names. None of us spoke Dutch, so we couldn't help him. He pointed out that it is good to have the problems. He said that if we came in and everything went perfectly, we would go out so proud of ourselves for getting all the work done, thinking how great we are. Instead, we are imperfect and there are problems, so we remember that the Savior is the one who is perfect and who made all this work possible with His Atonement. The work is accepted, even if our efforts are imperfect, because of the Savior. That really made me feel better.

Later, I thought of that concept in relation to motherhood. It is the same thing. Often, parenting can be so painful and so humbling. We see our weaknesses up close as we lose our tempers or handle things poorly or whatever. However, if we didn't have the problems, we might think we are so great and that we have it so together. We might never rely on the Savior and on His Atonement. We might never turn to the Father and benefit from His infinite knowledge and wisdom. It really is a perfect plan, weaknesses and all. And the great thing is that the Savior makes up the difference so that our imperfect efforts are good enough. Wow! Don't you just love the Gospel?!

A thing of joy and beauty

2008-12-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

Rich's patriarchal blessing says that our family home evenings will be a thing of joy and beauty. When I think about what that means, I expect evenings where we quote scriptures, sing lovely songs, and have deeply spiritual Gospel discussions. It would look like one of those pictures in the Primary lessons with everyone sitting around listening attentively.

That is not what our family home evenings are like. Our family home evenings are loud. There is a lot of Rich and I going, "Shhhhhh!" There is a lot of wiggling and funny comments and poking siblings. There is also a lot of fighting. Family members fight over who gets to sit next to Mom or Dad, why it isn't their turn to conduct, who gets to lead the songs, which songs we sing, and which person gets to be the last speckled frog left on the log. Lessons must be pretty short or we begin to lose people. I have heard that children learn to sit reverently by practicing it in family home evening. We can't seem to manage reverence. We are more worried about managing the crying. If everyone is happy, then we call it good, even if they are loud.

The other thing about our family home evenings is that the dishes are never done beforehand. It is something like a family tradition now. It seems we can we can either do the dishes or have a family night. When our oldest children were little, the First Presidency made a statement that inspired us on this point. It said, "“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities." We decided that highest priority meant more important than anything else, even the dishes! I was so grateful that they didn't say to give highest priority to a clean house or a consistent, orderly bedtime. We never could have done that. But neglect the dishes for family time? Alright!

So I was thinking last night about the description "a thing of joy and beauty" as we struggled through another family night this week. We were making a Christmas CD for grandparents who are serving a mission far away. We only had one hour before basketball practice, even without doing the dishes. Our opening song was almost ridiculous. Some children made faces for the camera, while others sang opera. Unfortunately, things seemed to go downhill from there. Anna cried because she wanted to hold the video camera. Jeffrey cried because he didn't think he was going to get a treat because he never ate dinner. Siblings bugged other siblings. Siblings ran through the scene when other siblings were performing violin or piano or harmonica pieces. I am sure you get the picture. I am guessing you have been there. Please tell me someone else has been there! Anyway, I love the scripture in Isaiah "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." I guess this chaos and craziness is a thing of joy and beauty. I guess families who love each other, even when they fight like crazy in a small space a lot of the time, are a thing of joy and beauty to the Lord. So are parents, and children, who are doing the best they can. I guess it doesn't have to perfect, or even quiet, to be pleasing to the Lord.

To laugh or to cry: that is the question!

2008-12-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

It can be hard to find a secret closet around here. One day, when I was at my wits end, I snuck into my bedroom closet for a little pity party by myself while Rich had the kids picking up the house. Within one minute, someone tried to open the door. "Who's in there?!" the child shouted. I was quiet. "Who's in there?!" the child shouted again while trying to force the door open. "Someone's in there." I heard the first child tell someone else. The door began to open again. It caught on my feet and stopped. The child pushed and pushed. "I can't get it open! Who's in there?!" I said nothing and waited. I heard the child walk away. I breathed a sigh of relief and settled in to the quiet. The quiet lasted about 30 seconds. The door opened just a little and someone dropped something into the laundry hamper. Then the door closed. It opened again. More clothes dropped into the hamper. This happened about ten times before I finally gave up, chuckling. I headed back out to be with the family again, giving up on the pity party.

Sometimes we get to sneak away and cry. Other times we have to pull ourselves up by the boot straps, forget the crying and try to laugh. I like what Marjorie Pay Hinckley said. “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

Praying Works

2008-11-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Wednesday was a hard day. My cold had gone from bad to worse, Anna was sick, and Jeffrey had been up in the night throwing up. I had to make four pies for Thanksgiving the next day, do laundry, pack for our trip to Chico, and provide meals for 9 children, including three cousins who were with us on a visit-swap. Oh, and Rich was frantically trying to get enough on-line education hours for his CPA renewal deadline at the end of the week. Yah, it was one of those days! I started it with a prayer. Please help me to accomplish all this and to be nice. I said the second prayer when Anna cried outside the shower door for my entire shower and then cried at my feet while I tried to get dressed. I can't do this! How am I supposed to do this? This is too hard. Please help me. The answer came gently to be patient with Anna's demands and trust that everything would work out. A while later, when Jeffrey came to me for something, I noticed his sunken eyes and strangely swollen mouth. I recognized at least some of the signs of dehydration, which affects him more quickly than other children because of his chronic kidney problems. That is when I said the third prayer. What do I do? I am scared and I'm not sure what is wrong. We don't have insurance. Do I take him to the doctor? Please help me. Rich and I decided to give extra fluids and watch him since he seemed full of energy and happy. Anna took a nap, so I got the pies made, in between sneezes. Then I took a nap. Dinner was already in the crockpot and Jeffrey seemed to be doing better.

When I awoke, I took one look at Jeffrey and called Rich. His face was terribly swollen so that one eye was swollen about half-way shut. His lips were so big it was hard for him to close his mouth. We were terrified. Rich called the doctor, and I said the fourth prayer. Please bless my little boy. Please help me to know what to do. Please allow the Priesthood to bless him because of our faith. Please help me not to be scared. Please help me to take care of the other children. Please help me. I had been reading that day about Lazarus being raised from the dead . The thought came that the Lord blessed others because of the their faith in Him. I just had to trust that. A friend came to help administer the blessing with Rich since the home teacher was out of town. The blessing promised quick alleviation of symptoms and healing of organs. The doctor called to say we could watch him at home as long as he was still urinating and not lethargic.

At 8:45 at night, I leaned up against the counter as I finished the last pie-making and dinner dish. Jeffrey's face was already less swollen. Once again, we evaded a possible medical emergency while without insurance. Everyone had dinner and baths. We were mostly packed. The pies were done. Anna seemed more cheerful, and my cold already seemed to be improving. Rich had finished the last of his CPA courses, and the house was mostly picked-up. Wow. Praying works. Even on really hard days (maybe especially on really hard days because I go more quickly to me knees), praying works. When things seem impossible or out-of-control or scary, praying works. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who listens to and answers our prayers. I am grateful for a place to turn to get through the hard days. Praying works.

P.S. As I was making Thanksgiving pies, my cold had gotten so bad that I could not smell or taste. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself that I was making pies I would not be able to taste. Usually, when I lose my sense of taste, it is gone for several days. Miraculously, by that night, I could slightly taste our dinner. By the next morning, I could mostly taste breakfast. By Thanksgiving dinner, I could taste everything. Rich told me later that he had said a prayer, asking for a tender mercy for me to be able to taste. Even in the little things, praying works.

Mom tantrums

2008-11-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

I threw a tantrum this morning. I was sick, the baby was sick, and the house was a mess. No one had really done their pick-up chores the night before, and things were looking pretty dismal. So I threw a tantrum. I yelled at everyone, telling them that no one could do anything else until they got their neglected chores done. I stormed around the house, muttering about how no one cares about our house but me. I even slammed a door. I was feeling completely angry and sorry for myself. Finally, because I was feeling so miserable and since I hadn't read my scriptures yet, I hid out with them behind a shut and locked bathroom door.

As I sat there reading, praying for some heavenly guidance, a couple of scriptures jumped out at me. Ether 12:4 Whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world. I was certainly hoping for a better world! I was hoping for a world where family members did their chores without being asked and Mom didn't have to work so hard!

Then I read D&C 25:10 And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better. As I read, I began to calm down and realize that I was probably seeking for the things of the world by wanting my family to march at all times according to my instructions. Maybe wanting a clean house all the time was a thing of a better world and that I would just need to be patient (until I didn't have so many messy kids around!)

It was then, as I calmed down, that the Spirit came in and taught me the real lesson. Maybe the thing of a better world really is to be patient. Maybe my reaction, my overblown tantrum of impatience was the thing of this world that I needed to set aside. Maybe this is really all about learning to lay aside tantrums and pride and anger. Maybe Heavenly Father doesn't care how clean my house is but instead how I handle it when people and things don't go my way. Maybe what I am supposed to be seeking, rather than a perfect home and perfectly obedient children is, instead, patience and kindness and gentleness and meekness. Maybe this world with all its frustrations and imperfections (and messy kids) is a perfect setting for me to seek these Christlike characteristics. Ah, to find purpose in the struggle. So I'm not just a lousy mom with lousy, inconsiderate kids. I am just a work in progress!! One more chance to learn to be like the Savior.

I love the moment when the Spirit teaches me that, once again, Christ is the example I can look to for my behavior. I love the scriptures. I love that we can make mistakes and start over. And I love that, for the most part, the children have experienced enough tantrums that they don't get too upset but know that Mom is just blowing off steam.

I'm sorry! I'll do better! Us too! Let's get this place picked up and go on with the day.

Muddlin'

2008-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

I am not one of those mothers who just handles things. At least every week or so, life becomes more than I can bear and I have a pity party, saying things like "I can't do this! This is too hard! I am not cut out for this kind of life. What was I thinking to have so many children!? Help!" After many years of directing these rants to my husband, my sister or a close friend, I eventually learned that the real source of lasting peace and help comes for turning to my Father in Heaven, who knows exactly what I need to hear to keep going. Since these melt-downs happen frequently, I find myself going to Him regularly for peace, comfort, and encouragement. Elder Neal A. Maxwell called this life the "muddle in the mortal middle." I believe that we receive inspiration to live according to grand ideas and principles, but then the reality of daily life comes along, or the muddle in the mortal middle, making us wonder how we can possibly finish what we have started. At these times, when we turn to the source of our original inspiration, He who knows all things can comfort our hearts and give us encouragement to keep going in ways that no mortal, no matter how dear, can do. This blog is an attempt to record the weekly and often daily guidance from heaven that comes as a result of my muddling in mortality. My first purpose is to record these things for my children and their children. However, if these ideas are also helpful to you, than we all will have benefited! Let's muddle together!